Jim Hendry, you’ve done an awful lot of dumb things in your tenure as the Chicago Cubs’ general manager. You signed Neifi Perez a couple of times. You thought Shawn Estes belonged in a starting rotation. You traded Kyle Farnsworth right after a crap year instead of right after a good year. You ate that whole cheesecake that had been sitting out on the counter for a week, even though I told you that the top shouldn’t feel slimy. I’ve forgiven you for most of those things. But so help you God, if you sign Jim Edmonds, you are dead to me.

You know who is a better option in center field that Jim Edmonds? Everyone. Seriously. Do you realize that everyone in the NL West is ahead of the 14-24 Padres, FOR WHOM JIM EDMONDS WASN’T EVEN GOOD ENOUGH?! If you really have the urge to sign a left-handed center fielder, sign Kenny Lofton. Even if Edmonds were even remotely decent, I’d hate you for this, Jim.

Just for you, Jim, I’ve compiled a list of things I would rather do than watch Jim Edmonds fake hustle (thanks, CT) his way around center field at Wrigley.

  1. Record over my copy of The Big Lebowski with Anchorman.
  2. Drink Jim Hendry’s bathwater out of Scott Eyre’s cup.
  3. Call Carlos Zambrano a “sissy little girl who fights like a Barrett.”
  4. Be Ryan Dempster’s joke editor.
  5. Pay Mark Prior to pitch.
  6. Start a business with the It’s Gonna Happen guy.
  7. Listen to the entire series of Pat Hughes/Ron Santo Square D commercials on a continuous loop.
  8. Let Chad Fox pitch in every bases-loaded situation for the rest of the year.
  9. Root for the White Sox.
  10. Stumble drunk down a dark alley in which Ted Lilly lurks.


  • Jon

    Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

    If this happens I will burn this town to the ground and salt the earth.

  • I thought Hendry was already dead to you, Kerm.

    I’ll play the unpopular contrarian here. Reed’s stunning HR yesterday notwithstanding, CF could be a problem for this team. I wouldn’t mind if they gave the collie molestor a look, see if he has anything left. Seriously. I was easily able to root for the Bulls when they got Rodman. I can get over my past hatred for this dick. Centerfield is small at Wrigley and Edmonds can hardly hit worse than Pie. At least it’s possible he would be an imprcovement. Give him 2 weeks and if he really looks finished, cut his ass. Even that would make it worthwhile.

    • RV

      Edmonds can hardly hit worse than Pie.

      You bet he can.

      Pie: .571 OPS, .637 against RHP
      Edmonds: .498 OPS, .532 against RHP

      Ignoring the fact that he’s an insufferable douche, Edmonds has been in decline for 3 years now, is turning 38 next month, and at this point in his career isn’t as good of a defender as Felix. If I’m going to watch somebody flail away at the plate, it might as well be someone who might improve as the season goes on, rather than someone who will most likely continue his decline.

    • At this point in their careers, Lofton can do everything Edmonds can do, only better.

      • Why has Lofton not been signed yet? Is that common sense isn’t common anymore?

        • How about this? If Hendry REALLY wants to win, sign Bonds put him in left, move Fukudome to center, and move Soriano to right. As shitty as that OF defense would be, and even if you left Soriano at leadoff, they’d have the best offense in baseball.


    • Poon

      I’m a little confused on why you possibly couldn’t root for the bulls when they got Rodman. Yeah, he was a Pissed’on but screw that. He was the only player that could effectively shut down Shaq during his prime.

  • al

    Quite a funny list Kerm.

  • You forgot “Be internet friends with IAN.”

    • PS, I miss Fork and morph. And especially TDubblies.

      • morpheus

        I thought you had gotten that straightened out, IAN…

        • I’m working on it, morph. Our IT lady is busy. I think she needs further waterboarding.

    • It’s Jim Edmonds. Not Satan himself.

  • There’s no way in hell this move is even justified. Okay, Pie has been bad. That doesn’t mean we need to get Jim Edmonds. My personal irrational hatred of the man aside, he’s got nothing left. He’s a broken player, a paltry version of his former self. I don’t need to give Jimmy a flier to see that this is true. Watching his play last year with the Deadbirds and his pathetic tenure in San Diego was more than enough for me. He’s done. Jim Hendry, you’ve got to let this go, man. All the good will I’ve been feeling about the Lilly, Fukudome, and Johnson signings you’ve made will vanish if you do this. Please Jim, for the love of God: don’t let Jim Edmonds wear a Cubs uniform. I’ll puke blood and rip my eyes from their sockets in rage. If you do this, I vow to personally destroy every Krispey Kreme and fried chicken franchise in your vicinity. You’ll never eat another glazed doughnut again, this I swear. There’s no circle of hell good enough for you if you do this Jim. Fuck, I’d rather get Nyjer Morgan, Tike Redman, or some other minor league douchebag than have you make this move. Please Jim. There has to be another way.

  • TDubbs

    11. Play tummysticks with Bocaj

    • I miss your musk. Maybe we should rent an apartment together?

  • Poon

    First off, I thought we found our center fielder in Johnson. He’s speedy enough, hits to get on base, and has been doing very well in the outfield so far. Yeah, he’s not gonna make the all star team, get a gold glove, or find his way on a Wheaties box but that’s not his role. Some friends laughed at this signing but it made sense to me even if was only the second outfielder getting 2 or 3 starts a week. He’s past that.

    Replacing Pie with Mr. Latebreak makes no sense what so ever. Pie’s defense is leaps and bounds above Lady Frosty Tips. His speed on the bases runs circles around Senior Manscara. Oh, and he can hit better than that over rated douchebag as well. I’m chalking this up to a rumor to get people talking and nothing more than that. Jimmy has done plenty of good things for this team and honestly, I don’t understand why so many people hate him. I have only one thing to say about Hendry. Name one big contract he’s signed that hasn’t panned out. Go ahead and say Soriano, yeah he’s not living up to the hype but he is doing his job and helping us win games.

    Also, aren’t they getting Cedeno practice in center? Yeah, this is nothing but a lame rumor. Cubs fans are gluttons for punishments and we need something to smack us down after a sweeping one of baseballs best teams.

    • Actually, Reed Johnson is pretty awful, outside of those first two or so weeks to start the season. He’s now “hitting” .254/.338/.322 on the season. That’s entering 2007 Ryan Theriot territory. And his defense is not that good. He’s a good defender for the same reason Sam Fuld is.

      Pie, on the other hand, at the very least gives you near-Gold Glove caliber defense in CF, one of the most important positions in the field. Plus he’s young and only has room to get better. Sending him back too AAA at this point will basically be saying we’ve given up on him. It’s stupid and by far the worst move Jim Hendry will have made in his career of bad moves. In his very, VERY limited playing time this year, he’s pretty much putting up the same numbers against righties as Reed Johnson, yet providing far superior defense. And hell, we had Ronny shagging fly balls in CF for a reason. Put his scrawny ass in there. Anyone but Jim Fucking Edmonds.

  • PenFoe

    11. Introduce my 15-year old sister to Roger Clemens

    • level5

      That’s just wrong. Hilarious, though.

  • Poon

    12. Go to Nick Swishers’ stylist.


    • bocaj

      Hell, if it will get me this…:


  • patpieper

    Play Boggle with the “neighborhood guy”

  • Garczar

    13. Watch every season of Family Guy

  • gianluca

    when did Fahrnsworth have a good year?

    • During every single odd-numbered year in his career (except his first and his last). Look it up. It’s science.

  • cubnut

    It’s worth it to sign Edmonds if it inspires blog posts like this.