Jim Hendry, you’ve done an awful lot of dumb things in your tenure as the Chicago Cubs’ general manager. You signed Neifi Perez a couple of times. You thought Shawn Estes belonged in a starting rotation. You traded Kyle Farnsworth right after a crap year instead of right after a good year. You ate that whole cheesecake that had been sitting out on the counter for a week, even though I told you that the top shouldn’t feel slimy. I’ve forgiven you for most of those things. But so help you God, if you sign Jim Edmonds, you are dead to me.

You know who is a better option in center field that Jim Edmonds? Everyone. Seriously. Do you realize that everyone in the NL West is ahead of the 14-24 Padres, FOR WHOM JIM EDMONDS WASN’T EVEN GOOD ENOUGH?! If you really have the urge to sign a left-handed center fielder, sign Kenny Lofton. Even if Edmonds were even remotely decent, I’d hate you for this, Jim.

Just for you, Jim, I’ve compiled a list of things I would rather do than watch Jim Edmonds fake hustle (thanks, CT) his way around center field at Wrigley.

  1. Record over my copy of The Big Lebowski with Anchorman.
  2. Drink Jim Hendry’s bathwater out of Scott Eyre’s cup.
  3. Call Carlos Zambrano a “sissy little girl who fights like a Barrett.”
  4. Be Ryan Dempster’s joke editor.
  5. Pay Mark Prior to pitch.
  6. Start a business with the It’s Gonna Happen guy.
  7. Listen to the entire series of Pat Hughes/Ron Santo Square D commercials on a continuous loop.
  8. Let Chad Fox pitch in every bases-loaded situation for the rest of the year.
  9. Root for the White Sox.
  10. Stumble drunk down a dark alley in which Ted Lilly lurks.