Hire Jim Essian

Carlos Marmol is out of his mind when it comes to striking dudes out. The surprising Ryan Dempster is out of his mind with WACKINESS! Only one of them can finish the season with more strikeouts. Unless they tie. But let's not acknowledge that. VS. ... Read More

Well, the Cubs are getting waxed. You know what's more entertaining than watching them lose? PHOTOSHOP! ... Read More

It's late in the day, and you've probably already done most of your work avoiding internet reading, so I'm going to keep this brief. After all, I have to get back to my BEST TEAM IN BASEBALL. But since we're in a rain delay, read this: Too bad this guy mentions the IGH knob, because otherwise this article would ... Read More

I don't know whether to be thrilled or depressed that I'll never run out of completely ridiculous comments by Cubs fans as fodder for mockery. Mark DeRosa's, "The Pulse" is just the gift that keeps on giving, though. In this week's entry, DeRosa (or ROSIE, as that fat fuck Chris Berman calls him) "interviews" (read: plays grabass) with ... Read More

As you all know, hardly anything ever pisses me off. Certainly the fat, old, lovable, self-proclaimed "ambassador of baseball" couldn't do so on a night that found the Cubs cleanly beating the Dodgers by a 3-1 score. Well, he did. Everyone's so in love with the doddering old fool, that no one is willing to say it. ... Read More

As a Memorial Day Weekend gift to you, Carrie and her band of buffoons are back for another Mailbag. Yay? I don't understand the move to send Pie down and sign Edmonds. I like that Edmonds is a power hitter, and a good fielding outfielder, but his numbers in San Diego were awful. Why make this move? -- Jeremiah W., Valparaiso, ... Read More

EXT.--JUNGLE--DAY PINIELLA LOU, a grizzled baseball manager, trudges through an overgrown jungle. The rugged adventurer is in search of a 100-year-old relic, a World Series trophy. With him is his companion, a native named ROTHSCHILDO. The two approach a dark cave, the opening to a deep temple. LOU So, this is where Baker cashed in. ROTHSCHILDO A friend of yours? LOU An idiot. ... Read More

Clearly, the St. Louis Cardinals are at the top of every Cub fan's Hate Chart (everyone else has Hate Charts too, right?). Which NL Central team is number two, though? I'm assuming everyone is exactly like me and at least respects the Pirates and the Reds, so the Astros and the Brewers are going into the Fukudome. VS. ... Read More

So, Kermit is still working on his 20,000-word post. He's hoping to have it up later tonight. This better be one hell of a dick joke. Look, it would have been nice to take two of three from the Astros, but maybe the doom-sayers should think about it this way: Dempster had his second-worst start of the season, and ... Read More

Skip Johnson, aka Jim Essian here. Thought I'd stop in with the season 47/162nd of the way through. If you've checked the Cubs' May 2008 schedule, you might have noticed a couple of things: 1) The Cubs are 11-9 so far this month, not bad for starting the month 1-5 and having to play three games in Houston. If ... Read More