Only the Cubs would spend this season celebrating the anniversary of 100 years of championship-free baseball and the 25th anniversary of their manager calling all of their fans cocksuckers. Can we also please celebrate the five-year anniversary of the Game Six dick kick? Or the one-year anniversary of getting swept out of the playoffs by the team who got swept by the team who got swept by the team who won the World Series? No wonder you guys drink so much. Anyhow, here’s your Roundup, you self-loathing bastards:
- Unfortunately, Marmol can’t pitch every single inning this season, which means that Wuertz should seriously contemplate not giving up strings of 11 hits in a row.
- Sometimes I do weird things like skipping Rich Hill in the rotation instead of skipping the nitroglycerin that is Ted Lilly right now. I blame alcohol.
- So, Mariotti shits out an article called, “Cubdom Rule No. 1: Don’t talk Series in April.” I’m working on a counterpoint entitled, “Mariotti Rule No. 1: Don’t talk.”
- It looks like Soriano is doing everything he can to avoid getting Wally Pipped.
- Hey, Joe Smith. If you’re going to heckle the fans at Wrigley, don’t you think you could at least have an name that isn’t an alias?
- What better to follow the worst headline ever written than the worst article ever written?
- Thanks to you guys, the Cubs removed the racist shirts from outside of Wrigley Field. Whaddya mean, “It was probably because Commissioner Gordon brought the shirts to the Cubs’ attention?” If these self-fellating douchebags can take credit for it, then so can we!
- I really wish Rick Morrissey would swallow something radioactive. He’s still making excuses for Dusty, and his head looks like a thumb.
- Some people are up in arms because I said Soriano would be back at leadoff when he gets back. I also said Dempster was going to be in the rotation last year. I lie all the time. Just last night, I said to Anita, “It was the dog.” It was the broccoli, sweetheart. The broccoli.
- Remember how prior to the season everyone said the AL Central and the AL East would be the toughest divisions in baseball? Well, they probably still are. But the NL Central is sure off to a hell of a start.
- If we threw the 1918 World Series, in ten years can we celebrate 100 years of losing all over again?
- If we all pool our money, can we buy a Wrigleyville bar?
- Bruce Miles says what you’re all thinking. “What the hell has gotten into this team?” The answer? A hot injection of Sweet Uncle Lou.
- Wouldn’t it be
hilarioustragic if the difference between Johan Santana going to the Mets and him coming to the Cubs was a shitty secretary who can’t deliver a message? - Steve Rosendouche reminds the Cubs to not only play well, but to also play lucky. Seriously. We should also apparently embolden random phrases to start certain paragraphs.
- Maybe Guillen always acts so angry because he has repressed homosexual feelings that confuse him. It’s okay, Ozzie. No one will judge you, because no one can understand you. Embrace your lifestyle. Drink the sweet drink of freedom, since you can’t even drink water anymore.
- It’s too bad Marty Brennaman already dubbed Cubs fans the worst in baseball. Because the Red Sox fans try really hard to win that award every year.
- Police in the Congo have arrested 13 people accused of stealing or shrinking their victims’ penises. So, if you’re wondering why Carrie Muskat has written less lately, there’s your explanation.
Well, gang, I need to get ready for tonight’s game against one of the only teams in baseball that wishes it was as good as the Giants. Have a good weekend.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
I’m going to put the last bullet as another reason I hate the continent of Africa. Besides diamonds and people like Michael Jordan, what has it given us that’s been good?
Michael Jordan was from North Carolina. Jesus, didn’t you ever watch the bulls? They told you before every home game.
As much as I hate Marrioti, I have to agree that Carlos needs to concentrate on the games we’re playing now instead worrying about cancelling his travel plans in October. Even Lou doesn’t like these guys making world series predictions, just by what he said about cedeno when he made his comment. But part of that’s probably because Lou got a bunch of shit for “planning too far ahead” in the playoffs last year (taking z out early to save him for game 4).
Yeah, but his reasoning is insanely fucking stupid. “Don’t talk about the World Series because you’re the Cubs and you’re tempting fate.” It’s the same old “curse” article in sheep’s clothing. It’s a terrible, terrible column from a shit-for-brains hack of a sportswriter.
I agree that behind an otherwise valid point, is a pretty fucking stupid reason. No denying that. Kinda par for the course for ole Morioni to work the whole bad luck/curse thing into it rather than say it’s just plain unprofessional, and is going to make him look like a total ass if it doesn’t come true (like the cy young prediction last season).
I saw that Mariotti article this morning, it’s getting ridiculous. How easy is it to be a sportswriter and write the same cliche-ridden garbage day after day?
But did those T-Shirts *really* offend anyone? I can easily see how some people would be put off by them, and how others would find it funny, but to call them “racist”? (I’m not saying anyone here called them that, but the term has been used elsewhere) Isn’t that abusing that term a little bit?
You’re probably right that technically “racist” isn’t the right word to describe it. “Ignorant,” “insensitive,” “stupid,” and “juvenile” would all work, though.
damnit, i forgot the reply function, see my response below.
Dear JC and BK,
Of course they’re racist – they were mocking something specific to the Japanese (and to the Koreans, too) – their ethnic disability, generally, to pronounce the letter ‘l’.
In case anyone’s interested, it’s usually (but not always) due to the fact that both Korean and Japanese have letters that, when pronounced, can sound like an ‘r’ and an ‘l’ combined.
I’m glad responsible Cubs fans such as yourselves were able to get rid of these cheesy quick-buck festerheads.
But on second review, BK’s descriptions are apt.
Agreed. But it’s not an “ethnic disability.” Anybody anywhere can pronoune “l” just as they can pronounce the double r in Jarritos. It just takes practice.
Also, those shirts offended Fukudome, which is more than enough reason to kick the guy who was selling them in the junk.
I dunno, I think they’d call it racist if you put a black guy with big ole lips on a shirt, give him some harry caray glasses and put “holy ciz-ow” on it.
so yeah I think the fukudome shirt is racist.
I agree. I think racist does apply.
I think racist certainly applies. Sort of discouraging that our star right fielder had to see this shit. God help him if he had struggled out of the gate. Who knows what garbage he would have heard or seen. These shirts were pathetic beyond belief and props to the Cubs organization for not turning a blind eye to it. Fukudome’s response to it all was very classy as well, which just makes me even more disgusted that he had to see this crap at all.
And BCB can take all the credit they want, but HJE was the first place I had heard the story, and the first site to call for the removal of said product.
Uncle Lou, please stop posting links to BCB.
I clicked on it without checking where I was going.
My eyes rolled so far into the back of my head they are now stuck there.
Thanks a lot.
please don’t use the word prior in any sentences. It make me ill.
Thumb head + swallowing something radioactive = horrifying supervillain.
Be careful what you wish for.
“Up and at them!”
Up and atom!
Better.
Jiminey jillickers!
It’s weird, I’m sure there are way more Cubs fans than White Sox fans, and yet I cannot escape the feeling that far more of the newspaper and radio journalists (and, in cases like Mariotti’s, “journalists”) lean towards the Sox. Certainly on ESPN 1000, which doesn’t broadcast either team’s games, the personalities lean heavily towards the Sox when they have a preference. This makes listening to sports radio even more annoying than it normally is.
I know what you mean. Every single one of the douchetards that writes for the Red Eye seems to like nothing better than shitting on the Cubs. Ah well, I guess I get what I pay for.