Only the Cubs would spend this season celebrating the anniversary of 100 years of championship-free baseball and the 25th anniversary of their manager calling all of their fans cocksuckers. Can we also please celebrate the five-year anniversary of the Game Six dick kick? Or the one-year anniversary of getting swept out of the playoffs by the team who got swept by the team who got swept by the team who won the World Series? No wonder you guys drink so much. Anyhow, here’s your Roundup, you self-loathing bastards:

• Unfortunately, Marmol can’t pitch every single inning this season, which means that Wuertz should seriously contemplate not giving up strings of 11 hits in a row.
• Sometimes I do weird things like skipping Rich Hill in the rotation instead of skipping the nitroglycerin that is Ted Lilly right now. I blame alcohol.
• So, Mariotti shits out an article called, “Cubdom Rule No. 1: Don’t talk Series in April.” I’m working on a counterpoint entitled, “Mariotti Rule No. 1: Don’t talk.”
• It looks like Soriano is doing everything he can to avoid getting Wally Pipped.
• Hey, Joe Smith. If you’re going to heckle the fans at Wrigley, don’t you think you could at least have an name that isn’t an alias?
• What better to follow the worst headline ever written than the worst article ever written?
• Thanks to you guys, the Cubs removed the racist shirts from outside of Wrigley Field. Whaddya mean, “It was probably because Commissioner Gordon brought the shirts to the Cubs’ attention?” If these self-fellating douchebags can take credit for it, then so can we!
• I really wish Rick Morrissey would swallow something radioactive. He’s still making excuses for Dusty, and his head looks like a thumb.
• Some people are up in arms because I said Soriano would be back at leadoff when he gets back. I also said Dempster was going to be in the rotation last year. I lie all the time. Just last night, I said to Anita, “It was the dog.” It was the broccoli, sweetheart. The broccoli.
• Remember how prior to the season everyone said the AL Central and the AL East would be the toughest divisions in baseball? Well, they probably still are. But the NL Central is sure off to a hell of a start.
• If we threw the 1918 World Series, in ten years can we celebrate 100 years of losing all over again?
• If we all pool our money, can we buy a Wrigleyville bar?
• Bruce Miles says what you’re all thinking. “What the hell has gotten into this team?” The answer? A hot injection of Sweet Uncle Lou.
• Wouldn’t it be hilarious tragic if the difference between Johan Santana going to the Mets and him coming to the Cubs was a shitty secretary who can’t deliver a message?
• Steve Rosendouche reminds the Cubs to not only play well, but to also play lucky. Seriously. We should also apparently embolden random phrases to start certain paragraphs.
• Maybe Guillen always acts so angry because he has repressed homosexual feelings that confuse him. It’s okay, Ozzie. No one will judge you, because no one can understand you. Embrace your lifestyle. Drink the sweet drink of freedom, since you can’t even drink water anymore.
• It’s too bad Marty Brennaman already dubbed Cubs fans the worst in baseball. Because the Red Sox fans try really hard to win that award every year.
• Police in the Congo have arrested 13 people accused of stealing or shrinking their victims’ penises. So, if you’re wondering why Carrie Muskat has written less lately, there’s your explanation.

Well, gang, I need to get ready for tonight’s game against one of the only teams in baseball that wishes it was as good as the Giants. Have a good weekend.

-Sweet Uncle Lou