So, the last time Dusty was in town, earthquake. This time Dusty is in town, and BOOM, another earthquake. Coincidence? Maybe. Anyhow, here’s the Roundup:

• Hey, Marty Brennaman, go ahead and fornicate yourself. It seems Marty melted down about Cubs fans throwing a bunch of balls on the field after an Adam Dunn home run Wednesday night. Since his comments are so colossally stupid, let’s address them point-by-point.

  This is what makes you want to see this Chicago Cubs team lose. Among all baseball fans — I can’t attest to the Yankees and Red Sox because we don’t see them with any degree of regularity unless it’s interleague play — but far and away the most obnoxious fans in baseball in this league are those who follow this team right here.

  And you’re far and away the most tedious announcer in baseball, and your son is a bad version of Joe Buck. HOW CAN GOD ALLOW THERE TO BE A BAD VERSION OF JOE BUCK?!

  Throwing 15 or 18 balls on the field, there’s absolutely no excuse for that and that is so typical of Chicago Cub fans. It’s unbelievable.

  Yep. That’s so typical of Cubs fans. Like that time we assaulted a first base coach. Or that time we buried a jersey in our rival’s stadium. Or that time we pissed off a rival bullpen so much that we they threw a chair at us. It’s so typical of Cubs fans. They should really be held to the high standards of all the other classy fans in baseball.

  Throwing the ball back, that’s great, that’s a Chicago Cub tradition that other teams have picked up on, and that’s fine.

  Oh, so it’s just the NUMBER of balls that’s a problem? I would assume that’s a big problem in the Brennaman family, too.

  It’s ridiculous, it really is … You simply root against them. I’ve said all winter, people talk about this team winning the division, and my comment is they won’t win it because at the end of the day, they’re still the Chicago Cubs and they will figure out a way to screw this whole thing up.

  Here’s a simple test to determine whether you’re a fucking hack of a broadcaster:

  When you mention the Cubs, do you suggest that they’ll never win anything “because they’re the Cubs”? If yes, then you are a fucking hack of a broadcaster.

  Brantley: And then they’ll have no one to boo but themselves.

  Brantley, how are you even still allowed to speak after (to quote John McClain) getting butt-fucked on national television by Edwin Encarnacion. Also, why exactly would anyone boo themselves? That doesn’t even make sense.

  Brennaman: Well, they never blame themselves.

  Good thing you guys don’t speak in hyperbole, because that’d just be unprofessional and childish.

  Brantley: They’ll blame that old billy goat.

  No, that’d be media shitheads like you. We fans mostly blame baseball reasons. Go fuck yourself, Brennaman. I’m sorry your team isn’t relevant and that the BREWERS are a better rival to the Cubs than your shitty team. Have fun watching Dusty Baker mismanage your pitching staff, you miserable old piece of shit.

• Chris DeLuca wants Pie to go back down and work on his plate discipline in AAA. Two problems with that. What more is he going to learn down there, for one? And what do you do with center field when Johnson needs a day off? Fukudome? If DeRosa is in left, then who plays right? Murton? Ward? Maybe someone smarter than DeLuca should iron this out. Is there anyone like that in the organization? Or maybe I’ll just have to take Pie and Piniella him up.
• As exciting as Fukudome has been to watch this season, let’s not forget that Zambrano is pretty goddamn fun to watch, too. Oh, and so is Derrek Lee.
• The Commish is a few weeks behind HJE, but for once he makes a good point. Get rid of the racist shirts, morons. Fukudome doesn’t think it’s funny, either.
• And, finally, if there was any doubt that the alligator is the most badass animal on earth, now its blood has healing powers. Take THAT, Chuck Norris!

Well, I have a game in- shit less than an hour. I should probably make up a lineup. Ah, screw it. I’ll just have them line up shortest to tallest. It’s what I’ve been doing since Soriano went down.

-Sweet Uncle Lou