For the first time since he ruined my life from 2004 through 2006, Dusty Baker will be back in Wrigley Field this Tuesday. In honor of his return, I suggest that Lou Piniella coach this week Dusty-style. Here are my suggestions:
- Double switches for any substitution.
- Any player that walks will be fined.
- Instead of having the team wear #42 jerseys in honor of Jackie Robinson, they will wear #44 in honor of Hank Aaron.
- All postgame interviews must be conducted with a small child sitting on his lap.
- The center fielder will lead off, and his second baseman will hit second.
- Lou’s lineup card will begin as follows: “My Guy, Dude, Neifi, Reorder toothpicks.”
- Lou will not be allowed to leave the dugout to argue.
- No player under the age of 35 years old will be in the starting lineup.
- Lou will wear eyeblack as if he might be called upon to pinch hit late in the game.
- Babe Winkelman will sing the seventh inning stretch.
Welcome back, Dusty.
