Okay, Ryan Dempster. You’re two starts into the 2008 season, and you should be 2-0. You’ve pitched well, so far, which leads me to believe this this is an elaborate hoax. I suspect you’re going to pitch great for a while, just to fool us. You’ll hover around a 3.50 ERA, strike out about 5 guys a game, and stop doing your Harry Caray impression. You’ll even learn a relatively cool card trick, with which you’ll impress your little cousins at the Dempster Fourth of July BBQ.

So, when is the punchline coming, Ryan? May? The All-Star Break? The stretch run? The playoffs? The World Series? Just tell me now, Ryan. I don’t want to get my hopes up and pretend you’re a different pitcher than the 52-58, 4.97 dog of a starter that you’ve been throughout your career.

So, come on. I’m dying to know. I’m the guy who peeks at his Christmas presents. What’s the punchline? Are you going to give up two grand slams in an inning? Deliver a bases-loaded, walkoff beanball? Give up eight earned runs without making an out? Lose the game that allows the Cardinals to clinch the NL Central? Run into Derrek Lee while trying to catch a popup, killing him? Huh? Huh?!

Come on, Ryan! I’m dying here! You have to tell me! I can’t handle the suspense!!!

Until the punchline, though, can you please keep pitching like you’ve been pitching?