The Mailbag: Important Issues, Like Wood’s Entrance Music
After a brief hiatus, the Mailbag is back, more ridiculous than ever! Now that the Cubs season has started, there are a bunch of interesting topics to discuss. Will Jon Lieber pitch his was into the rotation? Will Jason Marquis pitch his way out of it? Does Carlos Zambrano have a legitimate shot at the Cy Young this year? Or, what should Kerry Wood’s entrance music be?
I’ve got an idea — or several — for Kerry Wood’s entrance. How about “No Chance” (Vince McMahon’s entrance theme on the WWE shows) or Triple H’s music?
– Steven M., Lafayette, Ind.
I’m not sure you understand what the word “several” means.
CARRIE: I’m not sure if Wood is a WWE fan.
I’m not sure that answers his question. We’ve all wasted each other’s time, haven’t we?
How about “Woodchoppers Ball” by Woody Herman? It’s probably too old to suit most.
– Paul E., Huntsville, Ala.
Some guy from Alabama is asking the Cubs beat report a question about a Woody Herman song. Where the hell am I?
CARRIE: My husband knew that tune. It’s kind of catchy.
Yep. And nothing will strike fear into the hearts of NL batters quite like this little ditty.
Maybe we can also start having a moment of silence before each game for Amelia Earheart. And maybe they can sell war bonds at the concession stands. Ooo! I wonder if we can get FDR to throw out the first pitch! Clark Gable can sing the Seventh Inning Stretch!
Top notch Mailbag so far, Carrie.
If the Cubs are looking for a song for Wood’s entrance into a game, how about playing “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen?
– John F., Melbourne, Fla.
I prefer the Weird Al parody, “Another One Rides the Bus.” Parodies are great. Sort of like how this Mailbag is a parody of an actual Q&A with good questions and interesting responses.
CARRIE: I also received a suggestion from Denny K. to use “Knock on Wood” by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I’m going to let Wood and the Cubs’ marketing department figure this one out. Wood says he’s indifferent, but he did not pick AC/DC’s “T.N.T.,” which was played in his first two appearances. On Saturday, Wood entered to “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns ‘N Roses, and he picked up his second save.
Oh, we’re playing on his name, now? Well, then, I suggest “WOULDn’t It Be Nice” by the Beach Boys.
With Scott Eyre slowly recovering from his injury, aren’t the Cubs a little nervous to have only one southpaw in the bullpen? And, to make things worse, he’s a rookie. Where are the Cubbies going to go in a tough game down the stretch against a tough lefty (say Milwaukee’s Prince Fielder) if Carmen Pignatiello falters and Eyre doesn’t make a strong comeback this season?
– Steve B., Kensington, Md.
Only someone who would use the word “Cubbies” could possibly be worrying about a hypothetical Prince Fielder at-bat in the last series of the season. Hey, Steve, in about five billion years, the sun will die. Better get a lefty warmed up in the pen for when that baby expands and engulfs the planet.
CARRIE: Cubs manager Lou Piniella was ready to break camp with one left-hander, and that would’ve been Eyre. That’s because the club’s right-handed relievers have done well against lefty batters. Last season, left-handed hitters batted .192 against Bob Howry, .209 against Carlos Marmol and .238 against Michael Wuertz. It’s early, and in talking to Eyre in Arizona, he didn’t want to rush back and was looking ahead to the “stretch run.”
So, that fatass just wants to sit at home, eat Ding Dongs, and cash paychecks until, when, September? Nice competitive drive.
After Zambrano exited on Opening Day with forearm cramps, both he and Piniella downplayed the seriousness of the injury. Why is it that every time Zambrano leaves a game early, everyone makes it sound like it’s the first time this has happened? I remember him exiting several games last year with arm cramps, and before that he missed games because of carpal tunnel syndrome. Is there something seriously wrong with Zambrano’s arm?
– Adam B., Chicago
Holy shit, Columbo, did you piece that together all by yourself? I think I need a nap after winding my way through your complex thought process. Also, in case you need a refresher, the very first line of the Tribune story about Zambrano’s cramps reads as follows:
“The Cubs have pleaded with Carlos Zambrano to drink fluids during starts to prevent the cramping that has haunted him in the past, but their words have fallen on deaf ears.”
Apparently, you weren’t the only one to notice the cramping. Looks like you’re going to have some tough competition in the gumshoe department, Detective Adam.
CARRIE: There’s nothing seriously wrong. The Cubs have tested Zambrano, they’ve talked to him and they’ve hid the Red Bull. The problem is too much caffeine and dehydration, and lately he’s been seen drinking lots of water.
Zambrano drinks too much caffeine? I never would have guessed.
I’ve noticed this every year since I can remember. Is there any specific reason the Cubs, and I believe all Major League teams, play on Opening Day and then take the next day off?
– Daniel I., Oswego, Ill.
I bet the answer to this question has tormented you for years. Let’s let him hang, Carrie.
CARRIE: The off-day is in case Opening Day has to be postponed because of the weather. It gives teams an immediate makeup date. It also gives players on the home team a chance to unpack.
You suck.
I’m still confused about why Matt Murton is not on the roster after batting .348 this spring. What’s so special about Reed Johnson? Why couldn’t Murton play center field? Does Johnson really possess that much more speed than Murton? I’m confused.
– Phil C., Hendersonville, N.C.
Why can’t Matt Murton play center field? Probably because of the way he plays left field, right field, and short center field on his 16″ softball team.
CARRIE: Yes, Johnson is faster than Murton, and he can play all three outfield positions. If the Cubs carried 11 pitchers — not 12 — then Murton would’ve made the Opening Day roster. They just didn’t have room.
Matt Murton is reading your words in Iowa and weeping, Carrie. WEEPING.
Why wasn’t Micah Hoffpauir on the Opening Day roster? He was killing the ball in Spring Training. Couldn’t he be a huge player coming off the bench?
– Tyler F., Beebeetown, Iowa
The Cubs were looking for something in Micah Hoffpauir that they just didn’t see. What that is, is hard to define.
CARRIE: Yes, but he’s in the same predicament as Murton. Johnson is the only backup available for center field; Ronny Cedeno was out of options; Mike Fontenot can play second, shortstop and third, if needed; and Daryle Ward is an exceptional pinch-hitter who can sub at first base or the corner outfield spots. Unfortunately, Hoffpauir now is sidelined with a strained oblique, which he injured in an exhibition game last Tuesday before the Triple-A season began.
So, it’s safe to say that you can put your Scott McClain poster back up until he comes off the DL, Tyler.
What happened to the Cubs’ “notes” pieces? They were my favorite articles to read. Thanks.
– Brian D., Buffalo, N.Y.
My favorite articles are the Mailbags.
We’ve tweaked our format, and we’re breaking off what previously were notes as separate stories. The items that were included in “Extra bases” now are in the previews. Also, what was previously called “Minor matters” in the Cubs notebook now is in a “Cubs Daily Minor League Roundup.” Scroll down on cubs.com to “News & Notes,” and you’ll see a headline in the features section for the Minor League roundup. Click on that for the latest game results.
I just learned either how to find articles on Cubs.com, or calculus.
[QUESTION REDACTED FOR BEING HORRENDOUSLY BORING]
Do you know if the Cubs are going to offer a replica of the Ernie Banks statue, and perhaps one signed by Mr. Cub for the public to purchase? I had tears Monday watching Mr. Cub. In my youth, I enjoyed many moments from the Banks, Billy Williams and Ron Santo era. Those were special times, especially the 1969 team.
– Bob G., Chicago
Remind me not to sit next to you at Banks’ funeral.
CARRIE: You can find information on purchasing a replica Ernie Banks statue on cubs.com. I don’t believe autographed statues are available.
What do I click to find that? Is it under “Rounding the bases,” “Swiping bags,” or “Wondering aloud”?
I purchased two brick pavers, and I’ve received the replicas and a certificate with the number. How do I find the brick at the park? Is there a locator director or something? I’ve been writing to the Cubs for weeks, and no one has gotten back to me. Thanks for your help.
– Karen K., Chicago
Aren’t there only four of you people out there who actually wasted their money on bricks? I wouldn’t think it’d be that hard to find.
CARRIE: I’m told that you — and others who purchased brick pavers — should be getting a letter within the next two to three weeks to help you find your bricks.
I received an advance copy of the letter, so I’ll spare you the suspense, Karen.
Dear idiot:
It’s in the ground. Thanks for the money, chump.
(Up) Yours,
The Cubs
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Boy, those Iowa folks love them some Micah Hoffpauir.
I’ve remarked previously on the genius of the pavers. Get some idiots to drop a c-note for a paver that costs a couple bucks to produce, so they can have their name covered in gum on Addison Street. After labor expenses, the Trib still manages to redo their sidewalk and turn a profit while doing so.
For a limited time, I’m offering personalized tiles for my bathroom floor.
Wood’s entrance music should be “I like big butts” by sir mixalot, maybe we could get some big booty hoes to dance in front of the dugout during the song too.
The best is if you can find one that matches your name…then you can just tell people that it is about you, haha
I think this was the gayest mailbag ever. Yeah, Micah Hoffpauir had a great spring. Big whup. Unless he’s part of an Orioles trade that nets Brian Roberts, I don’t give a tin shit. Yeah, let’s just displace our GOLD GLOVE winning 1st baseman who’s currently seeing the baseball like its a big pair of triple E titties. Good plan, junior. No clubs called to offer you their GM spot? Color me shocked.
I love Thunder Matt, too, but do any of these people WATCH the games? Matt Murton couldn’t FIND center field on his best day. I’d sure love to have him on the bench, but since the Roberts trade imploded, the Cubs were unable to ditch their garbage-er, Ronny Cedeno, so there’s no roster spot for him. If Thunder can’t play center, hed be royally fucked in the infield, so there you go.
And regarding both of these guys, the Cubs would be fucking crazy to give them a spot over King Badonkadonk, Mr. MightyCheeks, Daryl Ward.
I wouldn’t mind the Reed Johnson signing so much, if he’d just shave that mouse off his chin or at least grow a mustache for Chrissakes. Even guys in moody bands don’t look like that anymore.
And the Cubs hid El Toro Loco’s Red Bull? Seriously? Oh, man. I hope the other teams have good trainers. And health insurance. Plenty of health insurance.
Holy crap, a Murton question. What a surprise.
Like there aren’t 25 other players you could ask a question about THAT ARE ACTUALLY ON THE MAJOR LEAGUE ROSTER.
And “It’s in the ground” almost made me pee.
Fork, could I have the bathroom tile that’s underneath where the Bucket Boys play?
Next stop Pottersville, next stop Pottersville!!!
Thank you, Kermit. You read the mailbag, so I don’t have to.
If Wood’s going to use a WWE song, it needs to be “Biscuits and Gravy.”
If you want to laugh, go to bleedcubbieblue and read Unique’s request for us not to boo Dusty Baker.
Oh, dear Lord, that’s awesome. If you don’t want to try to navigate the total disaster that is the BCB homepage, here is the link. While you’re over there, take note that there are ONE HUNDRED SIXTY comments re: the MLB.tv coverage map. Wow.
I actually went to the Cubs website and looked up the question that BK “redacted.” Someone actually asked if Fukkake qualified as a rookie. Yup. Thank you for your brilliance, sir…I couldn’t have figured it out that if you have never played in the Major Leagues before, you are in fact still a “rookie”. Wow.
Yeah. It was a pretty offensively stupid question and a boring response by Carrie.
Wow. Just wow.
I wish Carie would get a little more like this site in formulating her answers. She’s in a unique position of power to insult these mushroom heads and I really wish she would start taking advantage. If she’s even halfway normal, answering this shit has to be killing her.
I’m thinking that some of these people should be on the “real people of genius” commercial for Budweiser
Kerry Wood’s entrance music should be a recording of Henry Blanco farting on a snare drum.
Airheads reference anyone?….anyone?
“I just learned either how to find articles on Cubs.com, or calculus.”
That made me laugh really hard.
So did the dude who thinks Murton could play center.
Why wouldn’t they just play the song “Big Booty Hoes” then?
Hey, you can post without me pretending it’s spam now!
The more I think about it, the more I think Wood’s entrance music should be “Never Gonna Give You Up”.
I don’t even think Brendan Fraser would have picked up on that one.
“Instead — let’s stray away from the norm and be the best fans in the world.”
Too late buddy – the moonshine chugging inbreds already have that title reserved. Since we’re not going to be the best, we might as well boo his ass off.
too late, the mets are using that as their 8th inning song crap. like sweet caroline, but somehow just as shitty, even though mets fans are less douchey. ah well.
i think itd be interesting if kerry chose going home (the theme from local hero) by mark knopfler. not a necessarily outstanding choice, but pretty freaking true.
I wonder how Carrie Muskat feels that as a beat reporter for MLB.com, she has to deal with e-mails from fans asking questions about where their bricks are going to be located. I would have been tempted to reply with “What the fuck makes you think I know or care, shithead?”
The Cubs are looking for something in Wood’s entrance music. What that is, is hard to define.
Re: Don’t Boo Dusty
For a guy who only wrote about five sentences (of pure unadulterated crap), Unique nevertheless offered this gem: “He brought us in players…”
Is “in” an adjective? I hope so.
It is an adjective. He forgot to capitalize. That should have read, “He brought us IN players…” Meaning he brought us players from Indiana. Like LaTroy Hawkins. Fuck you, Dusty.
I can’t believe there are that many Cub fans who would defend Dusty or refuse to boo him. I actually saw the comment, “I don’t like Dusty, but I respect him”. Wha? Like Dusty gives a shit if we respect him or not. And what fucking players did Dusty bring in exactly? Ramon Martinez. Neifi Perez. Shawn Estes. Guh. What about coaches? Wendell Kim. Chris “DUI” Spier(You picked the wrong NL Central team, Chris. It’s DOWN I-55, not up. You’d have fit right in.) Gary Matthews almost gets a pass just for beign the Sarge, but Gene Clines. Did you know Gene Clines played with Willie Stargell? AND Roberto Clemente? Bet you didn’t. Maybe they didn’t either.