Phil Rogers, you are an inspiration to writers everywhere. In fact, Phil, you’ve inspired me to write HJE Power Rankings. I figure they can’t be that hard, if professional sportswriters like you, Phil, somehow manage to rank the 30 professional teams and come up with a 32-item list. So, here we go.

HJE Power Rankings:

  1. That Girl that Got Wanged in the Head by a Hawk: Finding out there was a girl named Alexa Rodriguez was the biggest news since I found out there was a guy named Evan Longoria.
  2. Baltimore Orioles: They’re 5-1, and on pace to win 135 games.
  3. Brett Favre: Get your Tivos ready. It’s almost Brett Favre Tribute Video season.
  4. Milwaukee Brewers: Prince Fielder weighs a trillion pounds.
  5. Cincinnati Reds: Dusty is the King of Cin City, and Paul Bako and Corey Patterson are his court jesters.
  6. Alex Rodriguez’s Team: Did you know that since the Yankees joined A-Rod’s team, they haven’t won a World Series?
  7. The Sacrifice Bunt: Screw you, Bill James. Even if technically the sacrifice bunt is statistically worthless, only a completely blown bunt could give us a moment like this.
  8. Saint Louis Cardinals: Now that Cesar Izturis is moving up the leadoff role this team is going to wipe the ass of the competition.
  9. The Major League Version of the Cleveland Indians: Rick Vaughn. Willie Hayes. Pedro Cerano. Roger Dorn. Jake Taylor. Lou Brown is ready to put this team over the top.
  10. San Francisco Giants: Barry Bonds was sort of a jerk, so losing him makes them a big +1 in the “getting rid of big jerks” category.
  11. Chicago White Sox: I heard an interview with Ozzie Guillen the other day. He was either really confident that the Sox were going to be good this year or he was working on his stand-up set. Either way, it sucked.
  12. The New Yankee Stadium Construction Site: It’s going to have that new-stadium smell, AND it gives us a reason to talk more about the Yankees? Heavenly!
  13. The AL West: If you took all four of those teams and combined them into one All-Division team, you’d have- Well, you’d have a lot of Angels on that team.
  14. San Diego Padres: They’re so great, they don’t have to cheat, but it certainly couldn’t hurt.
  15. Arizona Diamondbacks: Fun fact: There are cacti in the desert!
  16. Washington Nationals: They’re in a new ballpark in our nation’s capital during an election year! So what if they’ve lost five in a row after starting the season 3-0?
  17. The New Episodes of Lost: What the hell is Miles’ deal? That one episode with Desmond was awesome. I’m glad Karl is dead. Is Locke losing his mind? Is Hurley fatter than Prince Fielder?
  18. Chicago Cubs: Did you know it’s been almost 100 years since they last won the World Series? They didn’t even have Tivo back then!
  19. Kansas City Royals: If you don’t believe that the Royals are going to make some noise in the AL Central, then you hate God and all of His creation.
  20. Toronto Blue Jays: David Eckstein is due for a growth spurt. And a kidney transplant.
  21. Los Angeles Dodgers: The only thing they’re dodging is everyone’s radar. As in they’re on no one’s. Except mine. Because Juan Pierre is still in Dodger blue. And that means everything is going to be A-OK.
  22. Florida Marlins: Moises Alou was once a Marlin. Hey, remember when Moises Alou almost caught that ball in the 2003 NLCS, but Steve Bartman deflected it, so we all ruined Bartman’s life?
  23. Every Other Major League Team: Once the records get similar, it’s really tough to rank these teams!
  24. Several AAA and AA Teams: Some of those kids down there can be best described as “gritty,” “determined,” and “Les Walrond.”
  25. Detroit Tigers: Only one team in the MLB has yet to win a game. Did you know if they won a million times more games than they’ve won so far, they would still go 0-162? Numbers are so much fun.