HJE Power Rankings
Posted by Bad Kermit on Tue, Apr 8, 2008
Around the MLB, Broadcasters & Journalists, Cubs, Power Rankings
Phil Rogers, you are an inspiration to writers everywhere. In fact, Phil, you’ve inspired me to write HJE Power Rankings. I figure they can’t be that hard, if professional sportswriters like you, Phil, somehow manage to rank the 30 professional teams and come up with a 32-item list. So, here we go.
HJE Power Rankings:
- That Girl that Got Wanged in the Head by a Hawk: Finding out there was a girl named Alexa Rodriguez was the biggest news since I found out there was a guy named Evan Longoria.
- Baltimore Orioles: They’re 5-1, and on pace to win 135 games.
- Brett Favre: Get your Tivos ready. It’s almost Brett Favre Tribute Video season.
- Milwaukee Brewers: Prince Fielder weighs a trillion pounds.
- Cincinnati Reds: Dusty is the King of Cin City, and Paul Bako and Corey Patterson are his court jesters.
- Alex Rodriguez’s Team: Did you know that since the Yankees joined A-Rod’s team, they haven’t won a World Series?
- The Sacrifice Bunt: Screw you, Bill James. Even if technically the sacrifice bunt is statistically worthless, only a completely blown bunt could give us a moment like this.
- Saint Louis Cardinals: Now that Cesar Izturis is moving up the leadoff role this team is going to wipe the ass of the competition.
- The Major League Version of the Cleveland Indians: Rick Vaughn. Willie Hayes. Pedro Cerano. Roger Dorn. Jake Taylor. Lou Brown is ready to put this team over the top.
- San Francisco Giants: Barry Bonds was sort of a jerk, so losing him makes them a big +1 in the “getting rid of big jerks” category.
- Chicago White Sox: I heard an interview with Ozzie Guillen the other day. He was either really confident that the Sox were going to be good this year or he was working on his stand-up set. Either way, it sucked.
- The New Yankee Stadium Construction Site: It’s going to have that new-stadium smell, AND it gives us a reason to talk more about the Yankees? Heavenly!
- The AL West: If you took all four of those teams and combined them into one All-Division team, you’d have- Well, you’d have a lot of Angels on that team.
- San Diego Padres: They’re so great, they don’t have to cheat, but it certainly couldn’t hurt.
- Arizona Diamondbacks: Fun fact: There are cacti in the desert!
- Washington Nationals: They’re in a new ballpark in our nation’s capital during an election year! So what if they’ve lost five in a row after starting the season 3-0?
- The New Episodes of Lost: What the hell is Miles’ deal? That one episode with Desmond was awesome. I’m glad Karl is dead. Is Locke losing his mind? Is Hurley fatter than Prince Fielder?
- Chicago Cubs: Did you know it’s been almost 100 years since they last won the World Series? They didn’t even have Tivo back then!
- Kansas City Royals: If you don’t believe that the Royals are going to make some noise in the AL Central, then you hate God and all of His creation.
- Toronto Blue Jays: David Eckstein is due for a growth spurt. And a kidney transplant.
- Los Angeles Dodgers: The only thing they’re dodging is everyone’s radar. As in they’re on no one’s. Except mine. Because Juan Pierre is still in Dodger blue. And that means everything is going to be A-OK.
- Florida Marlins: Moises Alou was once a Marlin. Hey, remember when Moises Alou almost caught that ball in the 2003 NLCS, but Steve Bartman deflected it, so we all ruined Bartman’s life?
- Every Other Major League Team: Once the records get similar, it’s really tough to rank these teams!
- Several AAA and AA Teams: Some of those kids down there can be best described as “gritty,” “determined,” and “Les Walrond.”
- Detroit Tigers: Only one team in the MLB has yet to win a game. Did you know if they won a million times more games than they’ve won so far, they would still go 0-162? Numbers are so much fun.
BigFlax
StPatrick
PenFoe
CT
bocaj
April 8th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Only 25 entries? Even with made up entries like “Wanged in the Head” Girl and and the “Toronto Blue Jays” you couldn’t come up with more than that? You, sir, are no Phil Rogers! Oh, wait…that’s a good thing!
April 8th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Points off for a second Tivo joke and a Bartman reference.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:01 am
I hated Moises when he was here, but I think it’s monumentally stupid for scream queens like Mariotti to blame him for inciting the fans to turn against the fan.
After all, it wasn’t as though it was the first time that year it happened to Moises.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:07 am
My hat’s off to “rick” for this beauty: “Phil, by ranking Detroit 31st, you prove that you are the stupidest person on the planet.”
April 8th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Unless you think just SAYING the word “Tivo” is funny, the first one was a Brett Favre joke.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:26 am
But extra points for:
Several AAA and AA Teams: Some of those kids down there can be best described as “gritty,” “determined,” and “Les Walrond.”
April 8th, 2008 at 10:33 am
You’re right. I’m a -7 right now.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Nothing is better than Chuck critiquing comedy.
April 8th, 2008 at 11:46 am
A side note to the Peavy pine tar story. In 2005 Bobby Jenks would put pine tar on the bill of his cap. It was especially noticeable on cold days.
April 8th, 2008 at 11:50 am
I just assumed that was bacon grease.
April 8th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Beat me to it.
April 8th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Oh. Oh, yes. I love you. This doesn’t even compare to the great Phil Rogers. Phil Rogers is so great. He’s so wonderful. President of the Land De Suck.
April 8th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
How in the hell have I been left off this list?!?
April 8th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Peter King wants his MMQB column back.
April 8th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Or chocolate frosting. Kinda hard to tell.
April 8th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Oh, I’m certain there’s something better.
And Bartman references aren’t comedy.
April 8th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Sweet. They finally posted my comment:
A 32-item Power Ranking list for 30 MLB teams?
This column is a +2, Phil. A big, steaming +2.
Posted by: Bad Kermit | Apr 8, 2008 10:21:37 AM
April 8th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
No list can contain you.
April 8th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Peter King wants his
MMQB columnBretty back.Fixed that for you.
April 8th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Sam Fuld: Force of Nature.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
I’m pretty sure if either of those were on Jenks’ hat, he’d have eaten it by now.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:22 pm
Bill Buckner weeping has to break into the top 15 next week.
April 8th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
You shouldn’t have mentioned Juan Pierre. Now that crazy dude’s gonna come back and haunt your website again.
April 9th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Yeah, but mentioning Pierre also brings you, one of our two female readers, back. So, you can see how torn I am.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:32 am
oh, I’ve been hovering about. (you know how women do that) I usually leave most of the chatting to the guys, unless I’m inspired or it’s three am and I’ve had way too much caffeine.