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Friday Night Fukudome: “It’s Gonna Happen” Guy vs. “Mend My Heart” Guy

Posted On 28 Mar 2008 By Bad Kermit. Under: Friday Night Fukudome. .

It’s come to this. The ultimate battle of Cub fan douchebaggery. This may be the greatest match-up in Friday Night Fukudome history. It’s the “It’s Gonna Happen” guy responsible for this bullshit:

Taking on the “Mend my Heart” guy (site removed for being a terrible, terrible idea) who is responsible for this bullshit:

Both of these dimwits tried (and failed miserably) to capitalize on the rah-rah Cubs fan population that can’t help but use the words, “Cubbies,” “curse,” and “goat,” more often than “OPS,” “WHIP,” and “K/9 IP.”

Two men enter, and unfortunately one of them gets to leave.

http://www.the-slog.blogspot.com Jon

That’s like picking which pro wrestler you want to kick you in the balls.

I’m picking “It’s Gonna Happen” as a bigger douchehammer. At least I got a laugh out of the Broken Heart tool.

Also, my dad (love him to death, but he’s part of the problem) was actually using that moron’s slogan until I set him straight.
Idjit

On the surface, this is a tricky one. When I first saw the Mend My Heart post earlier in the week, I figured it was the “It’s Gonna Happen” Guy. At least there would have been context if that was the case.

But no, “Mend My Heart” Guy is a huge douchebag, but a harmless one who ran away like a little bitch as soon as he was called out. If 2007 was the year that broke his heart, he hasn’t been a Cub fan for very long. Probably not previous to 2007, really.

As Jon there said, “It’s Gonna Happen” Guy became the voice of a much larger long-existing problem. Yes, he’s merely a symptom of the illness, but if he were eradicated, maybe we’d be able to think about it a little less, and stop broadcasting the problem to the rest of the world. People don’t see “Mend My Heart” Guy and think “Psh, typical Cub fan”, on the other hand, “It’s Gonna Happen” Guy…

http://www.the-slog.blogspot.com Jon

Plus, the douche used RED SOX FONT!!!!!

Still, they’re both embarassments to those of us who atually care about, oh, I don’t know…a quality baseball team over a Hallmark card version of fandom.

Fork

I’ve seen shirts in that same goddamn font that say “End The Wait In ’08″. So apparently this jerkoff is at it again.

http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

Welp, that won my vote. And the fact that I met the jerkoff, and he was a jerkoff.

Jarritos

Although IGH guy is better known, I’d say MMH guy is more of an embarassment. He’s a pussy, he’s really weird, looks like a pedophile, etc, etc.

IGH guy is simply a capitalist, he made money off a stupid idea which, in reality, had nothing to do with Chicago baseball. He’s more of an embarassment because his catch phrase is well known. But I’d rather a Martian meet him than that other douche.
http://hirejimessian.com Mike D.

Kerm.

These Friday Night Fukudomes are getting to damn hard.

Seriously, last week, “Go Cubs Go” vs “Jump” and now these two Hall of Fame jerkoffs?

I’m gonna hafta sleep on it again.
http://hirejimessian.com Tonker

They both really wind me up, but the IGH douche has been a douche for many, many years. He wins.
Fork

My vote goes for the surprise contestant, the tiger I threw into the ring to rip these two asscastles to bits.
Simmer

I have no idea. Call it a split decision. Let Fork’s tiger split ‘em.
Silly Gonzo

I’m really starting to feel for the “mend my heart” guy. Hasn’t everyone experienced a broken heart at least once in their life?

http://hirejimessian.com Mike D.

Of course, Gonzo, but incorporating your personal loss into the Cubs’ fortunes only serves to further propogate the stereotype of Cub fans choosing to be Cub fans because it’s some sort of trendy “lifestyle” choice and not some hard-earned right won through years and years of hardship. The Cubs got enough fucking problems of their own without having to take on water from some douchebag who’s moaning the end of a 9 month relationship.

In fact, my mind’s made up. Screw that lovelorn douchebag. The IGH is also a douche of the first order, but his charging the mound on Randy Myers is what spares him. Myers was blowing games left and right down the stretch in ’95, so it was nice to see someone who was paying attention to the game–which in and of itself is refreshing–decide to do some crazy out of the frustration of rooting for the Cubs–even if he did get his ass kicked.

Mended Heart guy it is then.

Section 242

I voted for MMH guy. My reasons are twofold. First, I think he has the edge from an embarrasing douche perspective. Second, as Kermit so effectively pointed out, MMH guy has a fundamental misunderstanding of intellectual property law. On the other hand, IGH guy, perhaps having greater awareness of the limits of his knowledge and abilities, actually went to the time and expense of hiring an attorney to file a trademark registration for his signature phrase. Obviously, that was money well spent.
Thrillho

Possibly the toughest Fukudome yet, BK…

I think Mend My Heart Douche is undeniably far douchier if you’re talking in terms of pure douchiness.

He at least takes the cake when it comes to the sheer novelty of his douchiness. Hence his ability to publish that dreck, achieve meme and shut it down all inside of 24 hours, and strictly by power of internet. Compared to that, It’s Gonna Happen Douche is little more than a run-of-the-mill stadium camera whore, albeit with a web hosting plan and a copy of Microsoft FrontPage 5.0.

That said, though, It’s Gonna Happen Douche got still his douchitude covered by major media outlets. This counts for a lot in terms of practical douchiness, if only because of the amount of mainstream exposure it achieved over the course of a full Major League season.

And you just know his sign will forever be associated with Glavine winning his 300th at Wrigley.

Ultimately, for me, IGHD’s applied douchiness wins out for one huge reason: While MMHD has sought to rapidly extricate himself from the public eye since his internet shaming (going so far as threatening bloggers with “further legal action” and tossing a full body photo of himself that once graced the about page of his personal professional site down the memory hole), IGHD’s penny ante operation is still going strong, without even a hint of self-awareness, humility or contrition.

It’s like a promise to Cubs fans: Hey, guys… I’m about make you all look like totally tasteless assholes for a whole ‘nother year!

http://hirejimessian.com Mike D.

That’s a hell of case you’ve made, counsellor.

I wish I could change my vote.

This guy needs to be stopped. Any ideas on some sort of counter-marketing campaign here? I make it out to the park about a dozen times a year; I’d be willing to do my part.

http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

Simple. “IT’S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN” signs.

http://hirejimessian.com Mike D.

But then you’ll like you’re rooting against the Cubs.

Back when this ass started getting publicity for this crap, TJ Brown managed to dig up an old newspaper file that pictured the IGH guy getting pummeled by by Myers in ’95. How about putting that on shirts and simply putting

IT HAPPENED

across the top?

Something like that.

ChuckDickens

How about something like this?

P.S. Kerm, the HTML code isn’t working.
http://ww.goatriders.org Mike D.

I’m partial to the second one that you haven’t yet shown, Chuckie D. But that just could be me.

RV

We may need a re-vote on this later in the season.

If MMH douche is hawking those awful v-neck heart logo t-shirts outside the ballpark all summer, he will prove that he’s in this thing for the long haul, and will easily outdouche IGH douche.

If not, I agree with Thrill that MMH douche, while extremely douchy in the short term, will quickly vanish like a fart in the wind. As opposed to IGH douche who seems to have significant long-term ass-chapping potential.

http://tjbrown.com T.J. Brown

Mike, I’m going to have to find that picture again, no?

I still think MMH guy is douchier. As Thrillho first said, IGH is just a run-of-the-mill camera whore. Who cares? So’s Andy the Clown, Ronnie Woo-Woo, the Radar Gun Guy at Dodger Stadium, the Curt Schilling, Bill Simmons, the drummer guy for the Indians, and the professional heckler who used to sit courtside at Washington Bullets games. Sure, the Red Sox font is pure shiite, but he’s simply looking to make a few bucks off the Cubs’ success. Maybe that’s a douchy way to do it, but at least he’s not celebrating the losing.

As for MMH guy, let’s look at the facts of the case:

1) He wears a fruit of the loom T-shirt with a Cubs logo inside a blue heart. Who would wear that in public? Seriously, if you had two shirts in your drawer, which would you pick — IGHD’s shirt or MMH’s shirt?
2) He’s so bummed by the end of a 9-MONTH RELATIONSHIP that he locked himself in the house and published his kiss-and-tell memoir.
3) You just know that he suffocated this poor girl.
4) If any legal action helped take down a site involving MMHD, you know that the ex-girlfriend just might have sought a protective order or TRO to protect her privacy and good name, right?
5) He’s actually counting on the Cubs to pull him out of his funk.

MMH douche in a landslide.

StPatrick

I’m with TJ – but one question – how do you know the font isn’t sunni?

Thrillho

FWIW (and it’s certainly not worth much), I’ve spoken briefly with someone who knows Mend My Heart Douche and who effectively backed up his story.

So I suspect it really wasn’t just some viral marketing lie. (Kermit’s pet theory, no?)

I don’t know if that makes it better or worse, though. Maybe just status quo douche?

http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

Damn. I really thought it was viral. I guess that makes it more pathetic?

http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

Welp, after watching Opening Day, FUCK YOU, IT’S GONNA HAPPEN GUY. Those goddamn signs were all over the fucking place. I really, really, really want to box him. If you’re up for it, IGH Guy, let’s roll.

joe

who are you kidding? where can you be found?

http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

IGH guy has my contact information. I met the twerp, and I like my chances.

terry

u go to the games? i see him at the corner bar on clark and waveland afterwards all the time
http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

I don’t think a street brawl would be a good idea. But if he honestly wanted to box, it would be sort of fun, actually.
dan

The bar is called Bernies. Then its set. You and him can meet there after a game. We just need a couple of people for lookouts to make sure no police come and break it up and no one has to do any prison time. Me and 3 of my other friends will be more than willing to do it. WE’ll check for knifes of any other deadly weapons. But every other moves such as gouging and biting are fair game

dan

The bar is called Bernies. Then its set. You and him can meet there after a game. We just need a couple of people for lookouts to make sure no police come and no one has to do any prison time. Me and 3 of my other friends will be more than willing to do it. WE’ll check for knifes of any other deadly weapons. But every other moves such as gouging and biting are fair game.

http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

Boxing is illegal now?

Sam R.

Listen to you guys. You are the real douchebags. As far as boxing anyone, you guys are the overweight creeps who sit on the computer the whole night writing this garbage. I’d take anyone against you guys. Get a hobby.

http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

Nope. Still you.

Sam R.

Kermit, put down your double cheeseburger and your Wii controller and spend more time getting a girlfriend. Dork.

http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

My Xbox 360 would be pissed if I got a Wii, and my wife would be pissed if I got a girlfriend.

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