I had been going to their games for six months. They had told me, “Next year is here.” I was just about to buy playoff tickets. And then, suddenly, the Cubs got swept in three games. :(

I was heartbroken. I was devastated. The love of my life had abandoned me after only six months. I needed some way to distract myself and get over them. So, I decided to turn my attention to the other love of my life: hot monkey sex with gorgeous young women.

Not sure if I�m over reacting� being a whiny little puss� taking a major risk and putting myself WAY out there for some major embarrassment (boy did this take some HUGE cajones; cajones I could be using to produce gallons and gallons of semen for distribution to sororities all across America). But, hey� I did it! I went nuts and wrote this post. Seriously� nuts. Nuts which I could have been using to play “Dog in a Bathtub” with some big-breasted exchange student who doesn’t mind wearing a ball gag and a blindfold. I worked on this site for 15 straight hours today, didn�t leave the house, and all I ate were some raisins I found in the cabinet (I travel so much for work, that there�s basically no friggin food in my house� and of course, I always had wonderful, delicious hot dogs to eat at the ballpark when I was still with the Cubs). Man, my mom�s gonna kill me when she reads that. ;)

I’m past the point of no return now. You won’t be seeing me hanging around outside Wrigley Field this summer, hoping to catch a glimpse of the players as they get out of their cars and head for the clubhouse. You might, however, see me walking into my apartment with three Hi-Tops waitresses, a bottle of Wild Turkey, an inflatable pool, and a crate of instant Jell-O.

So, I’m asking you for your support. I need your help to get me over my love of the Cubs and to get me neck-deep in perky breasts, exotic underwear with a lot of buckles and straps, and spermicidal jelly. I’m trading in my pencil and scorecard for a vibrating cock ring and a gross of condoms. Look out, girls with poor judgment! I’m trading in my stirrup socks and baseball glove for some assless chaps and a Passion Swing.

p.s. What if the Cubs realize they made a huge mistake, and win it all? What do I do? I told them I can�t sit around and wait for them� I�ve gotta move on and get to thrusting my throbbing manhood into woman after woman, sometimes four and five at a time. They know that.

The Cubs ripped my heart in half, and now I’m leaning on my love of anonymous sex with bisexual girls to help pick up the pieces. Please help me out!