If you haven’t seen it yet, the latest Mailbag is delightful. It’s like watching a bunch of six-year-olds playing soccer. They’re doing it wrong. Everyone knows they’re doing it wrong. You want to tell them they’re doing it wrong, but you know they won’t understand, anyhow. So you just sit back and smile and hope they don’t accidentally kick each other in the head. Away we go.

Hoffpauir is a freak athlete. It’s a shame Derrek Lee is ahead of him (not a shame that Lee is there, but the fact that “Hof” has someone in front of him). Can Hoffpauir play any other positions? Ever since I’ve heard his name, I’ve heard nothing but good things. He needs to play.
– Adam C., Des Plaines, Ill.

You drove all that way without making a “Don’t hassle the Hoff!” joke? Shame on you. Let’s also dial it down a notch on the Hoffpauir love. He has a very “meh” career minor-league OPS of .790, which is about 40 points lower than Scott McClain’s. He’s also twenty-eight years old. That’s as old as David Kelton. But you’re right. It’s too bad Derrek Lee is blocking him.

CARRIE: Hoffpauir started in right field on Sunday, and did OK, but his primary spot is first base. Cubs manager Lou Piniella is very high on the left-handed-hitting Hoffpauir, who has played every day this spring and was batting .439 after Sunday’s game. Said Piniella: “We’ve been looking for a left-hand bat who can hit a little bit, and we might just have him in camp.” There aren’t any openings right now, but if there are changes — see next question — then Hoffpauir could go to Chicago.

That’s one hell of a teaser, Carrie. If the next question isn’t one of the following, I’ll be disappointed:

1. What if Derrek Lee died?
2. What if the Cubs traded Ronny Cedeno, Les Walrond, and Ben Christensen to the Yankees for A-Rod, moved Aramis to shortstop, and taught Theriot to juggle?
3. If the Cubs sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field, it will be an outrage, and half of the players on the 40-man roster will probably retire!

What do the Cubs need to give away to get Roberts? I think this is the kind of player who would give the Cubs a serious chance of winning it all, because they already have a great team. If they have the chance to improve and increase their chances of winning a world championship, they should take advantage of it. I’m not saying give away tons of prospects.
– Maurice A., Chicago

Bummer.

You’re right, though, Maurice, you’re not saying to give away tons of prospects. In fact, you’re not really saying anything. I’ll sum up. “The team is really good, but if they can make it better, they should.”

CARRIE: The Orioles know who the Cubs are willing to part with, and they are sending one of their top scouts, Bruce Kison, to Arizona this week. They’ve had scouts at the Cubs’ Cactus League games and at the Minor League facility. They are being very thorough. I just wish I had a penny for every e-mail about Roberts, because then I could buy naming rights at Wrigley Field.

Kison? They’re sending in Kison? Shit, Carrie, that’s all you had to say! Everyone knows that Kison is one of the Orioles’ top scouts. If I had a penny every time my buddies and I sat around talking about how the Cubs should try to hire Kison away from the Orioles, then I could buy naming rights at Wrigley Field.

Lee is only batting .160 or so. Is that something to be worried about or does he usually start off slow?
– Troy P., Mellen, Wis.

Troy, you totally botched the delivery. I’ll fix it.

“Lee is only batting .160 or so. Is that a significant number? Is that a number we should be concerned with?”

CARRIE: Lee is hitting .167, but don’t worry.

I’m not. I was worried when I thought he was only hitting .160. At .167, it’s not time to hit the panic button yet.

CARRIE: He had a workday on Saturday — sort of like a golfer spending a day on the driving range — and said he was feeling better about his swing.

It’s also sort of like a baseball player spending a day in the batting cages.

CARRIE: They also had him working out in the outfield, but that was more for conditioning.

Too late! I only read the first part of your sentence and started a thread on NSBB titled, “Lee to the OF?” I started it yesterday. It’s three hundred and twelve pages long.

CARRIE: Lee will be getting plenty of at-bats in the final two weeks of Cactus League play, as will other regulars like Aramis Ramirez and Mark DeRosa, which should ease some of Piniella’s anxiety.

That and brown liquor.

Where do you or Piniella see Fukudome batting? I have not had a chance to see many spring games but heard he struggled in the three-hole and Piniella was putting him in the two-hole. Is he staying there or will he move back to the three-spot when he has more Major League experience?
– Mike B., Powers Lake, Wis.

Good question, Mike. “Where does EITHER the Cubs manager OR the Cubs.com beat reporter see Fukudome batting? Either one is fine. This is only a half-assed commitment to this question. If you can’t get either of those opinions, where does Ronnie Woo-Woo see Fukudome hitting this year?”

CARRIE: Fukudome has batted second, third and fifth so far this spring, and Piniella hopes to settle on one spot — and one lineup — this week. He’s a good No. 2 option because he’s such a good contact hitter and can do the little things to advance a runner. He’s also a plus batting fifth because he protects Aramis Ramirez and breaks up the right-handed hitters. I’m guessing he’ll end up fifth.

That would be awful. Dolan has the lineup correct. Can you please forward it to Lou?

I was reading about how Piniella is testing the No. 2 spot for Soriano so he won’t have to run as much. This makes no sense. The Cubs signed him to a $100 million-plus contract with the intention of having a 40-40 guy in the lineup, but Piniella is purposely trying to limit his running. Is Piniella giving up on Soriano’s health? What is wrong with Soriano that he can’t run?
– Alan W., Champaign, Ill.

Nice try, Chuck.

CARRIE: I don’t think fans realized the extent of Soriano’s leg injury. This winter he was told not to go 100 percent to avoid aggravating his legs and was put on a program to build leg strength. I’m not sure he’ll ever be a 40-stolen-base-type player again. But to keep him healthy and in the lineup, it may be better to drop him in the order. The problem I see is that Soriano wants to bat leadoff. Can the Cubs keep him happy and healthy? That’s a question that will be answered this season.

Another teaser, Carrie? Did ratings slip last season? “CAN Alfonso Soriano steal bases again?! WILL the Cubs ever win a World Series?! Tune in this season!”

How does the first-base coach talk to Fukudome when he’s on base?
– Cody B., Salem, Wis.

He doesn’t. Sinatro has a fishing pole with a bit of sushi on the end of it. He’s able to lead Fukudome around with that. Or, you know, he just uses the regular baseball hand signals and language. Surprisingly, Fukudome has quickly picked up the words, “Go!” “Stop!” and “Back!”

CARRIE: Matt Sinatro has had no problems communicating with the Japanese outfielder, who knows enough baseball English. As Piniella said of Sinatro: “He’ll speak Spanish, French, whatever.”

Lou said, “Engrish,” and you know it, Carrie.

I am intrigued by Fukudome’s bat issues. What, exactly, is different about them from regular MLB bats?
– Jeff C., St. Albans, Vt.

Thank God someone finally asked the question I was afraid to ask. I, too, am intrigued about my team’s equipment. Aramis Ramirez, for example. What’s up with his sunglasses? Where does he buy them? Does he wear them while driving?

CARRIE: The difference is the wood. Fukudome’s bats are made of tamo, which is also known as a Japanese ash. Ichiro Suzuki favored such bats and stored them in a humidor. They come individually wrapped, and the only problem has been that they seem to break easily in the dry Arizona heat.

So, he uses the kind of bats Ichiro used? Sweet. Let me know if he switches to the kind Kazuo Matsui or So Taguchi uses.

Is there any place where Cubs fans can voice their objections to a name change at Wrigley Field? Wrigley will always be Wrigley. Cubs fans will never call it by any other name.
– Mike W., Austin, Texas

Oh, how about fucking EVERYWHERE?! I originally would have continued calling it Wrigley, but now I’m going to call it by its new name just to spite you, Mike.

CARRIE: Check out www.keepitwrigley.org for a start.

Keepitwrigley.org has a “.net” address? Brilliant. According to the site, in order to help save Wrigley, you can do two things. “REGISTER” and “SIGN THE PETITION.” In case that’s too complex, they have a reminder at the bottom, “So, don’t forget… REGISTER and SIGN THE PETITION.”

What’s the second part again?

Keepitwrigley.org is, of course, absolutely riddled with advertising and even has a “Sponsors” tab. So that you don’t have to, I was careful to navigate the site without slipping in all the irony. Under the site’s “Donations” tab, I found this gem:

Really, we’re not looking for much – less than $5 per person (although we will gratefully accept any amount you feel comfortable giving!) – and only from those who really feel the need. We have 3rd-party oversight in place to verify the use of any funds KeepItWrigley.org collects. Furthermore, once this campaign is over, any additional money raised above and beyond our minimal expenses will be donated to charity.

We’re also looking for individuals to provide web site content and editorial services. To offer your personal time for this important tasks, please register and then send feedback to the site offering your help.

More important, though, is your individual contribution of moral support:

* Purchase and wear a t-shirt that proudly announces “Keep It Wrigley”.
* Display a banner that shouts “Keep It Wrigley”.
* Write “Keep It Wrigley” on your car’s rear-windshield (in liquid shoe polish like high-school sports teams do).
* Register on this web site (that’s utimately our petition to “Keep It Wrigley”).
* Sign The Petition associated with the Keep It Wrigley campaign.

Encourage friends, family, co-workers…EVERYONE to do all of the above too!

Hole. Lee. Shit. Please take this site down before any of the other teams in the NL Central see it. So much to cover here. First, WHERE exactly is my donation going? Am I giving you money for Code Red and onion rings?

Second, how much are you going to pay the editor to correct mistakes like, “To offer your personal time for this important tasks…”? Because I might be interested.

Third, if I had a kid in high school that was going to a state championship, I STILL wouldn’t write something on my car’s rear-windshield to celebrate that occasion. Has ANYONE seen anyone actually writing “Keep it Wrigley” on their car?

Finally, I looked around and couldn’t even FIND a “Keep it Wrigley” shirt on the site. How am I supposed to let the world know what a complete and utter jackass I am? Zubaz?

Your site is not a good site.

I’m going to the April 3 game vs. the Brewers. Is the game being moved to U.S. Cellular Field?
– Mark B., Carpentersville, Ill.

Holy shit, dude. Seriously?

CARRIE: I received more than a few e-mails from fans apparently confused by the talk about proposed renovations at Wrigley Field and the possibility the Cubs may play some games at U.S. Cellular Field. Relax, folks. The Cubs will play the 2008 season at Wrigley Field. What Cubs chairman Crane Kenney said was if the Illinois Sports Facilities Authority buys Wrigley Field, and if the renovation plan gets the go-ahead, and if the architectural firm HOK Sports feels it’s necessary, then maybe the Cubs would play some of their games at U.S. Cellular Field. That’s three “ifs” and a “maybe.”

You received MORE THAN ONE of these e-mails? Without calmly closing your laptop, walking to your hotel window, using the laptop to smash open the window, and flinging the laptop as far as you could into the Arizona desert? That question is so insane, it should be standing on a street corner somewhere, waving its penis at passing cars. Carrie, if you and I ever cross paths, can we put all differences aside, and can I please buy you a beer?