Oh, for Pete’s sake. I thought we were all done speculating on a possible Brian Roberts trade, and now I’m reading that we’re throwing Jose Ceda into the mix. Plus we might send Marquis their way (that’s good) and get Jay Payton back (that’s bad). Can we just get this trade done (that’s good) so I can go back to trying to figure out the back end of my rotation (that’s bad)? At least get it done before Moronotti, who, if you recall, cried foul about the Cubs’ interest in Roberts after the Mitchell Report, flip-flops again. Anyhow, here’s the Roundup:
- Kermit’s Neifiball team is already off to a hell of a start. Utility guy Mark Grudzielanek may be playing with a bad back this year, and Jeff Suppan sucks, and then gets drilled with a line drive. By the way, the #1 pick in the draft was Cesar Izturis, and it appears to have been a solid one.
- Let’s just nip this in the bud now. You were 1-3, Alf. Shut the hell up.
- I’ve been waiting to see why our team isn’t shit compared to the
DevilRays. Now I know. - Just how bad are the Cardinals going to be this year? I wonder how an all-Cardinal team would do in the Neifiball League.
- With each outing, it looks more and more like Kevin Hart is going north with the rest of the team. Maybe those 11 innings last year actually DID tell us something.
- How terrible is Paul Maholm? He ran a 3-1 count to SIXTY-YEAR-OLD ACTOR BILLY CRYSTAL! Christ, Crystal actually makes contact with the ball in the at-bat. Time to hang ‘em up, Paul.
- Cubs f/x doesn’t like my lineup construction so far this Spring. Can’t a guy come up with a stupid explanation for a lineup change without everyone jumping down his throat?
- Looking for your weekly “sale of Wrigley Field” fix? Look no further. TJ Brown, whose muse has apparently returned wearing something slinky, has you covered.
- Apparently, Michael Barrett wanted to stay with the Cubs forever. Probably because it took him three and a half seasons to memorize his Chicago address and phone number.
- The SHINGO! era is already over. I’ll miss his 65-mile-an-hour fastball the most.
- This story about Joe Buck may not be real, but isn’t it exactly how YOU picture Joe Buck in real life?
- Micah Hoffpauir is killing the ball this Spring. Kind of like Scott McClain did that one time. Whatever happened to that guy? Oh, yeah.
- When are people going to realize that as soon as NO ONE follows the Cubs around for a season, trying to capture THE Season, THEN they’ll win the whole goddamn thing. Put down the camera. Pick up a beer and a hot dog.
- God damn, Dusty really lays his tracks early when he knows he’s going to screw over some poor kid’s development.
- In other ex-Cub news, Wild Thing is still batshit insane.
- This story about a woman sitting on a toilet for two years is completely absurd. We’re actually supposed to believe that a woman went to the bathroom by herself?
- Don’t let your significant other forget that today is Steak & Blowjob Day. For you Catholics, I’m pretty sure when a holiday falls on a Lenten Friday, the Pope gives a special dispensation. So, both of you can eat meat tonight.
Well, that’s it for me, kids. Cross another week without “real” baseball off your Rainbow Brite calendar. We’re getting close.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
