Hire Jim Essian

So, Kermit convinced me to do a review of some new video baseball game, MLB 2K8. I put the thing in my VCR, and nothing happened. I called Kermit, and he said I needed some sort of Sex Box. Pervert. I went to Best Buy, and they told me I could use an Xbox 360. So, I bought one, I plugged it in, and dropped the game into the disc tray. You can drop these things, right?

So, this game has these menus that don’t have a single food item on them. What the shit is that? I see one of the options is to start a Franchise. Does that mean I get Jimbo’s job? I think so. That means I’m going to have to buy a bunch of button-down shirts with coffee and jelly stains on them.

I decide to start a Franchise with the Cubs. I get to pick my own name. I guess I could pick “Lou Piniella,” but where’s the fun in that? “Buck Naked,” it is.

Buck’s first move is to try to make the trade for Brian Roberts that old Jimbo has been working on for six months. There’s a trade screen where you can look to acquire certain players. You can also pick certain players of your own to trade. You’re in big trouble, Dempster and Marquis. One thing that’s pretty cool is that if you don’t want to have crazy trades happen in your Franchise like Alex Rodriguez to the Royals, there’s an option you can turn on that prevents trades of computer players ranked higher than 80. Fortunately, I don’t think we have any guys like that on our roster. Anyhow, Jim, if you’re wondering, you can acquire Roberts for Dempster, Guzman, and some made-up minor league pitcher. Done and done. I try to swing a trade for Khalil Greene, but the Padres aren’t biting. I’ll go with Theriot for now and hopefully upgrade by the trade deadline.

You know what another neat feature is? You can apparently play every single game for your MLB, AAA, AA, and A teams. Great feature, if you have no social life like Kermit. That guy’s about as cool as the insides of Sinatro’s thighs after running a marathon in sandpaper pants.

The owner tells me to get rid of Ted Lilly because he’s overpaid. Yeah. I’ll cut Ted Lilly as soon as he no longer has a dirt floor in his basement.

I set my lineup:

2B Roberts
RF Kazuhito Fortunato (I edit his name to Kosuke Fukudome)
1B Derrek Lee
3B Aramis Ramirez
LF Alfonso Soriano
C Geovany Soto
CF Felix Pie
SS Ryan Theriot

Carlos is on the mound for me as we take on the Brewers at home. Jeanie Zelasko and Steve Physioc give a little bit of pre-game analysis, and then introduce Joe Morgan and Jon Miller, who are set to do the game. Jesus Christ, they got those windbags to do the dialog for this game? Terrible.

Anyhow, I fire up the Opening Day game against the Brewers. It’s sunny and cold at Wrigley Field (42 degrees). You can see the players’ breath. Carlos is on the mound wearing sleeves. This new pitching interface is something else. It’s probably going to ruin the antiquated button pressing of yore. Did I use “yore” correctly? Ah, who gives a shit? What you do is make a movement with the right thumbstick, which starts this “effectiveness” circle expanding. The more it expands, the faster your fastball, or the more breaky your slider. Once you have the desired effectiveness, you have to make a second unique motion with the right thumbstick to throw a certain pitch (for example, you sweep the thumbstick from the right, around the bottom to the left to throw a slider). It’s a hell of a lot more challenging, and you really have to focus to execute the pitch well. I probably shouldn’t have been drinking before firing this up.

Anyhow, Zambrano gets Weeks leading off the game before walking JJ Hardy. Ryan Braun flies out deep (showcasing the nifty-looking aerial camera) before Fat Prince doubles on a two-seamer that doesn’t get far enough down in the zone. Fortunately, Pie is able to keep JJ from scoring, and Carlos retires Bill Hall on a 6-3 groundout. The throwing in this game might be the neatest addition yet. You have complete control of your throw. Want to throw a nice, easy toss to first? Push the right thumbstick only slightly to the right, and a meter will fill until you release the stick in a large “safe zone” for a perfect throw. Release too early, and you’ll throw high. Release too late, and you’ll throw it into the dirt. Pushing up and to the right or down and to the right will make your throw go offline (thank God for Derrek). If you need to throw hard, push the thumbstick all the way to the right. You’ll uncork a harder throw, but your “safe zone” will be smaller and tougher to hit. Nifty little feature.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 0

I set my hitting camera to “tight” and get ready to try out this Swing Stick 2.0 that you nerds everyone is talking about. The way this thing works is that you pull back on the right thumbstick to “load” your swing, and then push up (or up to the left or right to push/pull the ball) to swing. Sheets on the mound for the Alcoholics. Roberts grounds out to short on one pitch. Welcome to Cub baseball. Dick. Fukker shows a little more patience, as he sees three pitches, striking out. Lee sees four pitches before he whiffs. Progress? Hitting might be a little tough for old Lou.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 0

Zambrano back on the mound. Hey, I just noticed that Soto throws down signals. I’ve never seen a game do that. Also cool, is that you can shake him off and tell him to set up somewhere else in the zone. Nice. Morgan and Miller, by the way, are embarrassing themselves in the background. They’re dumber in video game form. Mike Cameron leads off with a double. Fuck. The World’s Tallest Midget, Corey Hart, comes up, and Soto does a NICE job blocking a slider in the dirt. The animation is great. Z gets Midget on a 6-3, but Cameron gets to third. Kendall comes up. His stance is PERFECT. Some fucker in the crowd just yelled “Bleed Cubbie blue!” What the shit is that? Next year, if a dude doesn’t yell, “Hire Jim Essian!” heads are going to role. I know just the starting pitcher who can make that happen. Z gets Kendall for the second out. He then gets Sheets to ground out to shortstop.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 0

I’m actually starting to take some pitches, as Aramis works a 2-0 count before popping out weakly to the third baseman in foul ground. Aramis loafs down to first, as Barry Rozner masturbates furiously. Soriano rips a liner over third into left for my first hit. Success! He stays at first, though, as Soto and Pie both strike out.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 0

Carlos works a quick top of the 3rd, but he pays for it. Weeks drills a liner off Z, but he scoops it up and retires him. If I were Dusty, I’d totally ignore that play and throw him for 150 more pitches. I’ll keep an eye on his pitch count. Hardy gets a hold of one deep to Fukker. Here’s another nifty little feature. When Fukker is running straight back, the ball marker (where the ball is going to land, not the Sharpie you used to draw balls on your drunk-ass friends face in his sleep) disappears. Basically, you have to be watching the ball to see where it’s going to land. Fielding in this game is great, as Fukker catches it on the warning track. Zambrano gets Braun looking on a filthy 2-2 slider for the third out.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 0

Theriot whiffs on three pitches. I think he looked at the only strike and swung at two balls. GRITTY! Zambrano steps up. I think this is the first video game in history that has Carlos correct as a switch-hitter. Finally. This is as good a time to mention the card system as any. This is a cool little feature where completing certain tasks earns you cards. For example, to get the Zambrano card, you have to homer with Big Z. You can collect the cards to assemble a team of “card guys” and compete on line with them. You can also trade cards with other people. The cards come in different levels (black, silver, and gold, maybe?), and the better the card, the cheaper the guy’s salary, so the better the team you can assemble (you have a salary limit). When I first heard of the system, it sounded gimmicky, but it’s going to be an addictive feature. Instead of earning me a card, Z decides to whiff. Either Sheets is dealing, or I suck. Roberts almost sneaks a grounder into center field, but Hardy cuts it off and gets him for the third out.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 0

Ah, Christ. On the very first pitch of the fourth, Fat Prince rips a low fastball to the opposite field for a homer. I thought it was a good pitch. Apparently not. Maybe I shouldn’t have shaken off Soto. The crowd chants either “Throw it back!” or “So so fat!” Carlos is shaken. He serves up a fat one to Hall for a double. THAT was a mistake pitch. Glad to see it didn’t automatically go for a homer, as I groaned right when I released it. Z gets Cameron to ground out to Aramis, who looks JUST like himself in the field. Hall is stuck at second. Apparently video game Soriano isn’t as much a pussy as the real one, as he makes a nice catch right up against the ivy on the Midget. Hall still stuck at second. Z gets Kendall to fly out to Alf for the third out.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 1

Fukker grounds out to Fat Prince. I’m pretty sure there was an animation of Fatty grabbing his chest as he ran four steps to touch first base. Lee grounds out to Braun, who somehow manages not to play the routine grounder off his chest into a triple. Aramis whiffs. I suck at hitting.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 1

Aramis gets Shits Stifler Sheets to ground out to Aramis. Weeks flies out to Soriano and, I kid you not, Soriano even did his gay little hop. Hardy beats out a shitty infield hit when Aramis had to cut off Theriot to field it. I think if I would have thrown it harder, I would have had him. This game is great. Damnit, Braun doubles to center, and Hardy scores all the way from first. Aggressive baserunning like that would NEVER have happened in 2K7. Cool. I give the intentional walk to Fat Prince. The move pays off, as Z gets Hall swinging. Z looks sharp enough. Let’s get some hits, me assholes.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 2

Gah! Soriano whiffs. Jesus. That’s 8 Ks for Sheets. One for each stint on the DL he’ll have this season. Soto pops out in foul territory to Kendall. And, of course, Pie whiffs. Part of the problem is that I slowed down the pitch speed so that I could recognize balls and strikes better. I’m swinging VERY early on everything. I’m just. So. Excitable.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 2

Ooo. Cameron hits a screamer at Z, who snags it, Kerry Wood-style out of the air. Midget flies out to Fukker. Kendall lays off two VERY close pitches to draw a full-count walk. Wow. That was a really fun sequence. Sheets grounds out weakly to Roberts.

Cubs: 0 Brewers: 2

With the bullpen actually looking solid this year, and with Carlos around 80 pitches and due up second in the inning, I pull up my lineup card and get Marmol up to face the meat of their order next inning. Holy shit, Theriot laces a leadoff double off the ivy in left. I can finally explain the baserunning, which is excellent this year. Basically, you point the left analog stick at the runner you wish to control. That highlights the runner, and then you hit the button which corresponds with each base to tell him where to run. For example, on Theriot’s double, since he was the only runner and was already selected, I hit the Y button to advance him to second. MUCH easier than 2K7’s clusterfuck baserunning system. The LB and RB buttons advance or retreat all of the baserunners, and the LT and RT advance just the selected baserunner. The right stick controls slides. Guy on second, no one out, and the pitcher up? It’s D-Ward time, bitches. He’s a bit slimmer than he should be. These programmers are generous. Ward does what Ward always does: laces a double into the right field corner. Theriot comes around to score, and I pinch-run Cedeno for Ward. I figure since the retard is already on second, there’s no chance of him oversliding it. I get a little anxious trying to pull the ball with Roberts, and he whiffs on an outside fastball. I probably should have bunted. Turns out it doesn’t matter, as Fukker rips a double into right, bringing Cedeno around to score. Tie ballgame! Holy shit. They just showed the crowd, and I think everyone has leprosy. No wonder they read BCB. Turnbow is up in the bullpen. Ha ha ha! Lee checks his swing on a 2-1 pitch (the check swing ACTUALLY WORKS this year), but not in time, and the count runs to 2-2. He hits a deep drive to right, but it’s caught as Fukker moves to third with two outs. Ned comes out and talks to Sheets, buying time for Turnbow and then getting Torres up in the pen. And Aramis HITS A SCREAMER down the third base line for a double to drive in Fukker. Suck a dick, Rozner. The hit variety so far has been incredible. The ball is getting hit all over the field, and when I try to pull the ball, the Swing Stick is really responsive. And now Turnbow is in. He gets Soriano to roll over on an outside fastball for the third out.

Cubs: 3 Brewers: 2

Marmol comes in and, uh oh. He’s greeted harshly by a ringing double off Weeks’ bat. Ugh. Back-to-back doubles (the last by Hardy) tie the game. Come on, Marmol. It’s not the fucking NLDS. Carlos gets Braun to ground to Theriot, but that gets Hardy to third with Fat Prince up. I should probably walk him, but fuck that. OOO!!! Fatty lines out to Lee for the second out. Fuck. Cub-killing dickhead Bill Hall doubles to right, driving in Hardy. And then I fuck up a routine grounder to Roberts by not throwing the ball hard enough. I either didn’t drink enough or drank too much. Cameron is safe on an infield hit. Here’s a neat feature. Everyone is on their feet as Marmol runs a 2-2 count to Midget. They sit down quickly as Marmol serves up a fat slider and Midget cranks a three-run homer. Fuck this game. Marmol gets Kendall to ground to Lee, but the damage is done. At least part of the problem was my own inability to get used to Marmol’s motion after Zambrano. When you’re pitching well, you really feel “in sync” with your pitcher. Damn.

Cubs: 3 Brewers: 7

Soto drives one to deep left, but Hall gets there. He also gets Pie’s drive to just about the same spot. Theriot flies out to right. Quick inning. Shit. Jeanne Zelasko comes on and tells me that I only have a 4% chance of winning the game. Get a nose job.

Cubs: 3 Brewers: 7

It’s Wuertz time. He gets Tony Gwynn the Less Fat to line to center, but I misplay it with Pie and it drops for a single. I’M RATTLED!!! Weeks hits a grounder to Roberts. I screw up and think I press the stick enough to throw it to second, but I don’t. I have to settle for a 4-3 putout. Wuertz gets Hardy to pop out to Aramis. Wuertz battles back from being down 3-0 to Braun and gets him to ground out to Roberts.

Cubs: 3 Brewers: 7

I bring in Fontenot to hit for Wuertz, and I get Wood up in the bullpen. The Brewers bring in Guillermo Mota. Fontenot grounds out to short. Boo. Hey, Roberts smacks his first hit as a Cub, a base hit right back through the box. Hmm. Rally time? Fukker goes the opposite way on a low, outside fastball and punches it through the left side for a base hit. Best part about the hit? It went through, in part, because Hardy was playing for the double play. Awesome. First and second, one out, Lee up. Yaargh! Lee swings at three straight out of the zone. Two outs, Barry Rozner’s Nightmare up. HOLY SHIT! Aramis works a 2-2 count (laying off some INSANELY close pitches), fouls off a pitch, and then LAUNCHES a three-run shot out onto Waveland. In my head, I hear Len Kasper scream, “Ohhhh, BABY!” Mota knows it’s gone the second Aramis hits hit, as he just puts his head down on the mound. Aramis knows it, too, as he trots to first. Somewhere, Barry Rozner fumes. The game also informs me that I earned an Aramis Ramirez card for collecting three RBIs with Ramirez in a game. Ah, the Brewer bullpen. Soriano shoots one JUST past Braun for a single, as Neddie brings in Torres for the shell-shocked Mota. Soto flies out to center, but not before the Cubs cut into the lead.

Cubs: 6 Brewers: 7

Wood in for Fontenot to face Fat Prince. Fat Prince hits one deep, but Pie has plenty of room and squeezes it. Damn. Wood drills Hall on an 0-2 count with an inside fastball. This game pays a LOT of attention to detail. Oh, Wood. Cameron doubles to left, but Soriano gets to it in time to hold Hall at third. I intentionally walk the midget to set up the double play. Kendall gets a fly to right to score Hall. Balls. Craig Counsell comes in to show off his gay-ass stance. Dipshit lines a single into left, scoring Cameron. Weeks lines out to Lee.

Cubs: 6 Brewers: 9

Gagne comes in, his stupid-ass goggles and lame haircut in full effect. Felix flies out to right to start the inning. The announcer calls him “pie” (as in “apple”). Wow. I’m actually able to draw a walk with Theriot. I get the “Eagle Eye” achievement for a cool 10 points. Yippee. I bring on DeRosa to pinch-hit for Wood. He whiffs. Women weep. So does Roberts. DeRosa laughs. Ballgame.

Cubs: 6 Brewers: 9

After the game, I check my income. You see, you can set ticket prices to whatever you think is as unfair as possible without pissing everyone off. I have the average seat at Wrigley set at $38. The seats will sell more or less depending on how the team is doing, the opponent, the price, and the day of the week. I make a cool $1,270,000 off the game. Franchise mode seems like it’s going to be great, too.

I have to say, despite the loss, this was a FUN game to play. The Aramis home run was a thrill, and pitching with Big Z was great. Honestly, even though it seems like the Brewers had a lot of hits, really all of them were on pitches that were executed in a mediocre way by my pitchers. The ONLY good pitch that got tagged was Fielder’s home run, and that’s what that fat fuck gets paid for.

After all the problems the version of this game had last year, I get the feeling that Xbox 360 owners are finally going to have a fun baseball game to play. It’s going to be a long season.

Rating:

4/5 Angry Lou Heads