Hire Jim Essian

Okay, wankers, I stayed up until 3:00 a.m. trying to get someone in that video game to take Marquis off my hands, so I’m tired, and you’re in for a short, harsh, and probably unfunny Roundup. Don’t bitch. It’s free.

• Good news. Soon, Soriano should be back dancing around the outfield like a prima ballerina, and Aramis is back today to piss of Rozner.
• I’ll give you a hint as to who WON’T be back soon.
• When Marquis pitches well, I love him. When he pitches badly, I hate him. I guess you could call that a love, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate relationship.
• Who knew that Todd Wellemeyer liked KFC as much as he likes ladies’ shoulder pads?
• Wood is throwing the shit out of the ball.
• Sure, Torii Hunter would have been nice, but not for five years, $90M.
• Look, everyone else is picking on the Japanese guy, so why not me?
• As if the Cardinals aren’t going to suck badly enough as it is, Pujols is going to play until his arm explodes at least as much as the team has.
• The Cubs’ 2008 Spring Training in a nutshell.
• The assholes up in arms by the possible name change for Wrigley Field just got one-upped. Big time.
• Kermit has a personal interest in rooting for Samardzija, even if I’ll never learn to spell his name. So far, so good for the kid.
• You know what might be more hilarious than watching Ryan Braun play third base last year? Watching Ryan Braun play left field this year.
• You guys seriously dealt with Dusty Baker for four years?
• Good to see Bud Selig hates the U.S. Constitution. Try and stop us, asshole.
• Stevie Error finally found a vehicle big enough to carry his fat ass across the country.
• Can we please send Dempster to Detroit? Preferably in a box with no airholes?
• Buck is done broadcasting Cardinals games. Judging by the picture, he announced his decision to end his relationship with the Cardinals by taking an enormous dump on one of Stan Musial’s jerseys.
• So, not only do the Red Sox hire skeezy little perverts, but they hire skeezy little perverts who take FORTY MINUTES TO MASTURBATE?! Hell, I can sneak in a quick rub while walking from the dugout to the mound. Why do you think I went out almost as much as Rothschild did last year?
• Something’s gotten into TJ Brown. He’s writing again and telling us not to worry about Wrigley’s name being sold.
• Did you see this story? Now, look, I’ve seen some half-assed plans. Hell, I saw a guy try to steal second base when the guy behind him walked. But this story is straight out of Law & Order.
• You know, after seeing that picture last year of the crocodile with a GUY’S ARM in his mouth, you’d think people would learn not to fuck with one of nature’s most efficient killers. Some people do. Most douchebags don’t.

Well, that’s all I got for this week. Stay out of trouble this weekend. Maybe we’ll try to win another game before the season starts.

-Sweet Uncle Lou