Rick Ankiel Online. Seriously.
So, Section 242 emailed me this link quite a while ago, and I think it deserves its own mockery. That link leads you right to “Rick Ankiel Online.” Holy shit. The front page has the words, “Those Who Endure…Conquer,” written in old timey font. Like I’m reading a Bible. “In the beginning, there was the wild pitch. And it was hilarious.”
At the top of the page, there are the following links:
BIO (to sum up, he was supposed to be a good pitcher, he turned into a basket case, he did HGH, he became a power hitter, and then when the HGH story broke, he turned back into a basket case), NEWS, MEDIA, PHOTOS, FISHING, ASK ANK (Q&A), LINKS, CHARITY. Holy shit, did that say “FISHING”? It did. And if you click it, there are pictures of Ankiel holding up various fish, all of which look like they are on HGH.
“Ask Ank” is even better than a Muskrat Mailbag. Look at this.
What is your favorite stadium to play in?
Busch stadium of course! Where else can you find the best fans in the world?
You could always check in the backs of their 1980 Dodge Chargers. Or in their trailers. Pretty much anywhere but the dentist’s office.
Who has been your favorite teammate?
Darryl Kile was my favorite teammate.
Oh. I bet that was pretty sad for you when he died, then. Or after he died, when it came out that he was a stoner. Or when everyone kept confusing “DK 57″ with some kind of Donkey Kong score.
What was your favorite moment from last season?
Last season was full of great moments! I cant pick just one!
Nor can you use contractions! Come on, Rick, pick one! Like when you guys won those 78 games. Or when it came out that you used HGH. Or when Chris Carpenter went down for the season. Or when you went 0-4 with a golden sombrero against the Cubs in a late-season 12-3 Cub blowout.
What is your favorite fish to catch? To eat?
Wahoo is my favorite to catch because they hit the bait so fast and take off, its exciting. To eat, I would say wahoo, grouper, snook, dolphin…they are all good to eat!
You eat dolphin? You sick fucking bastard.
If Tony La Russa asked you to come in to pitch, would you?
No chance. I like the idea of hitting bombs, not giving them up!
Let me rephrase that, Rick. “Do you listen to what your manager tells you to do?” And your answer: “No! I do whatever the fuck I want!” Nice attitude, cockbreath. If you want send Rick a question, click here.
Moving on, the “Media” tab, just kicks you into the MLB.com Cardinals site. Brilliant! Don’t forget to check out the pictures. You don’t want to miss great ones like this:
That’s Ankiel and Eckstein. No, not David. David’s brother, Rick, who is the Cardinals’ AAA hitting coach. You couldn’t even get DAVID Eckstein to pose with you?
You’re posting pictures of you at someone else’s wedding on your website? With Xavier Nady? Finally, this picture of Ankiel accepting the Comeback Player of the Year Award was a real gem.
You just won Comeback Player of the Year, and you can’t get a picture that’s at least in focus and shows the plaque? Stand up, for God’s sake! Also, why was Sean Astin presenting the award?
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