INT.–JIM HENDRY’S OFFICE–DAY
Cubs manager LOU PINIELLA and general manager JIM HENDRY sit around a desk in Hendry’s office. Lou’s Cubs have just dropped another game to the Diamondbacks, their Lou breathes slowly into a paper bag as Jim throws pencils at the ceiling, trying to get them to stick.
JIM: How you doing, Lou? You feeling better?
LOU: Mmm fmmknn snnnk ff lnnnsnnng.
JIM: Lou, you’re going to have to take the bag away from your face.
Lou takes the paper bag away from his mouth, glaring at Jim.
LOU: I said “I’m fucking sick of losing,” college boy.
JIM: Oh.
LOU: How many games have we won so far this spring?
JIM: That would be two.
LOU: And how many games have the Pirates won?
JIM: Just the one.
LOU: God damnit. You know what that means? We’ve only won one more game than the Pirates.
JIM: Well, Lou, I want you to repeat after me. It’s only Spring Training. It’s only Spring Training.
Lou sits up abruptly and slams both of his fists down on Jim’s desk.
LOU: The Pirates!
JIM: Well, I think the pitching will eventually come around.
LOU: How so? Is there a plan in place I’m not aware of? Are you going to inject Windex into Neil Cott’s blood stream? Are you going to strap Les Walrond into a car and push the car into Lake Havasu? Are you going to let me kick Chad Fox in the teeth? And can someone please explain to my why Shingo Takatsu is here?
Lou points over his shoulder at a potted plant. SHINGO TAKATSU tries to hide himself behind it to no avail. Lou cranes his neck around and looks at Shingo.
LOU: Get the hell out of here!
Shingo darts out of Hendry’s office, closing the door behind him.
JIM: Well, generally, as Spring Training goes on-
LOU: Enough! I’d had it already, and we haven’t even played a meaningful game!
JIM: Lou, have you stopped drinking?
LOU: Yeah, why?
Jim sighs, reaches into his desk, and withdraws a fifth of Jack Daniels. He tosses the bottle across the desk to Lou, who nimbly catches it.
JIM: When you took this job, what did I tell you about being sober around this team?
LOU: I don’t remember.
JIM: Lou, when you took this job, what did I tell you about being sober around this team.
LOU: You said, “Sobriety leads to anger. Anger leads to stress. Stress leads to high blood pressure. High blood pressure leads to death.”
JIM: That’s right. You don’t want this team to kill you, Lou, do you?
Lou fiddles with the label on the bottle of Jack Daniels and mumbles.
LOU: No.
JIM: I’m sorry, what did you say, Lou?
Lou speaks more loudly.
LOU: No, I don’t want this team to kill me. I want them to win some fucking games.
Jim nods at the bottle of Jack Daniels.
JIM: So, are you going to take a couple of swigs of that and get back out there and win some games?
Lou looks down at the bottle.
LOU: Yes.
JIM: What was that, Lou?
LOU: Yes, I’m going to take a couple of swigs of this booze and get back out there and win some games.
Lou unscrews the cap of the bottle and takes a long drink.
JIM: Feel better?
LOU: A little. I’d feel even better if Operation: Asshole were done.
JIM: Lou, I thought we agreed we were going to call it Operation: Trade Marquis.
LOU: I like Operation: Asshole better.
JIM: If it’s behind closed doors, that’s fine. I don’t want any other teams knowing that you want Marquis gone. It’ll hurt his trade value.
LOU: How can anything possibly hurt his trade value?
JIM: Good point. I’ll see what I can do.
LOU: Thanks, Jim.
Lou stands up and starts heading for the door.
JIM: Lou?
Lou stops and turns around.
LOU: Yeah?
JIM: Forgetting something?
Jim picks up the bottle of Jack Daniels, which Lou has left on the desk.
LOU: Oh, yeah.
Lou walks back and retrieves the bottle.
JIM: Take it easy out there, Lou.
LOU: Will do.
Lou opens the office door. When he does, Shingo falls into the room with a glass in his hand, having been pressed up the door to help him eavesdrop.
LOU: Seriously, what the hell IS this guy doing here?
SHINGO: Shingo!
