Hire Jim Essian

Am I the first one to use that headline? God, I hope so. Anyhow, thanks to the rain, my DVR (despite being set to record The Tenth Inning and Reba) only recorded the first eight innings. I understand some people are flinging themselves from rooftops because the Cubs lost one extra-innings game. Wow. Here are the positives. ... Read More

Happy Opening Day! Since we had good luck in posting videos last year, we'll try it again this year. R.I.P., Steve. ... Read More

After seeing this Reed Johnson photo: I couldn't help but think that it was a perfect candidate for a Photoshop like this: Then, I thought, "Why not see what the gang can do? So, Photoshop away, fellas. There will be no prize but pride. ... Read More

It's come to this. The ultimate battle of Cub fan douchebaggery. This may be the greatest match-up in Friday Night Fukudome history. It's the "It's Gonna Happen" guy responsible for this bullshit: Taking on the "Mend my Heart" guy (site removed for being a terrible, terrible idea) who is responsible for this bullshit: Both of these dimwits tried (and ... Read More

I know Dolan and EG have both already beaten me to the punch, but I would be a jerk to keep this treat to myself. Tuesday night, Kermit received the following e-mail: Dear Bad Kermit, Please take a gander at my new series of baseball instruction videos on the Youtube over there. "Hardball Made Easy" http://www.youtube.com/ScrappyRon1 I even gots your man Big Z to ... Read More

As you know, your local HJE idiots put together a panel of experts to form a Round Table of sorts to answer all eight of your preseason Cubs questions. Of course, the gang at HJE chipped in, too. Parts One, Two, and Three of the ensuing mayhem were published earlier this week. Part Four follows. Question Seven: ... Read More

According to today's Trib, the Cubs' bench is all set. Remember the Gashouse Gang? The Big Red Machine? The Whiz Kids? Well, this bunch of stiffs is nothing like any of those. Fontenot Cedenot Blancot Johnso... t Ward No Pagan, of course, no Jones/Floyd and no Murton means that most of what little pop the Cubs' bench had last year is playing ... Read More

As you know, your local HJE idiots put together a panel of experts to form a Round Table of sorts to answer all eight of your preseason Cubs questions. Of course, the gang at HJE chipped in, too. Parts One and Two of the ensuing mayhem were published earlier this week. Part Three follows. Question Five: If ... Read More

In the ongoing HJE Roundtable (aka, "our drawn out answer to HBO's drawn-out John Adams series"), we asked our panelists about the fate of Matt Murton. The responses were all similar in appraising Matt. Solid hitter, nice approach, and undervalued by the club. Everyone also shared the sentiment that Murton's days as a Cubs were numbered. Most figured ... Read More

Apparently, they write e-mails threatening silly lawsuits. I was amused to find the following e-mail from "M R" in my inbox tonight. The e-mail was entitled "Authorization of image use." Dear www.hirejimessian.com It has recently come to attention that an image captured from the website www.canthecubsmendmyheart.com, has been re-purposed for usage on the website www.hirejimessian.com. Direct links to two known usages ... Read More