Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Get Some New Material, Mouthbreathers” Edition
So, I hear that a lot of “clever” White Sox fans have been coming up with proposed new names for Wrigley Field. A few of the best were “Summer’s Eve Field,” (Because if Cubs fans think they’re ever going to win the World Series, they’re a bunch of douches!) “The Man Hole,” (Because Wrigley Field is the world’s biggest gay bar! Yuk! Yuk!), and “Wait Until Next Year Park.” Oh, how clever those White Sox fans are! Seriously, gay jokes? Jokes about losing? Why don’t you just tell us how bad airplane food is? Or how cah-raazy women are? Have fun looking up at the Tigers and Indians this year. Again. Anyhow, here’s the Roundup:
- This guy points to my lineup construction as the reason we finished behind the Toronto Blue Jays, Baltimore Orioles, Tampa Bay Devil Rays and Florida Marlins in runs scored last year. I’m going to go out on a limb and blame global warming.
- Hey, remember how some of you guys nominated HJE for an award a while back (thanks, by the way)? Apparently, we almost won. Twice. We came in 2nd place for “Best Cubs Blog” and 2nd place for “Best Comedy Blog.” We lost to Desipio for Best Comedy Blog. No shame in that. There is, however, shame in this.
- How the mighty have fallen. I remember Sosa when he was just a kid, and he couldn’t lift conversion vans over his head.
- Apparently, AT&T is using “comedian” John Campanera in its new commercials to impersonate Harry Caray. Look, the impression is all right, but has anyone else noticed that John Campanera just isn’t very funny?
- The Cubs have been partnered with WGN for sixty years now. Coincidentally, that is also the number of games that will be shown on WGN over the next three years.
- Fukker is going to fit right in around here. So far this spring, he’s shoved a phallic symbol in Ryan Theriot’s face and called Carlos “fucking crazy.” Or maybe he won’t fit in, as he saw thirteen pitches yesterday and only swung at three. THREE! And he made contact with all three of them! Who does he think he is?
- Fukker wasn’t the only good part of yesterday’s game. Ryan Theriot was on the bases all day. Maybe I shouldn’t have punished Ryan by hitting Cedeno behind him. Oh, and Dempster had a “solid” first start. Just to clarify, if you extrapolate “solid” for our number three starter, he’s going to have a 4.50 ERA and give up a million home runs. If my math is right.
- Hey, we might get Brian Roberts by St. Patrick’s Day. Or by the end of March. Or possibly never.
- Apparently, Soriano doesn’t like it when I call him a pansy with a wussy stance. So he’s going to run more. That’ll show me.
- Len, when you get back to Chicago, do yourself a favor. Hunt down and destroy this photographer.
- Are the Cardinals going to have ANY players left this season?
- First game of the spring yesterday, and The Commish is busy giving English lessons.
- Good news. DeRosa’s surgery went well, and he should be back soon. I guarantee you’ll see him out there at second base before you see Roberts.
- Poor Neifi’s proposed deal with the Colorado Rockies fell through. If I’m Neifi’s agent, I have Cincinnati on speed dial.
- Well, we tried putting cold hard cash on the walls last year (in the form of Soriano’s Under Armor gig), AND we increased the size of the warning track, but this kid keeps making a bogeyman out of brick. Maybe I should put a bunch of low sliders out of the zone on the outfield walls. He has no problem laying into those.
- Apparently, “mental focus” is the key for Jason Marquis to be successful. There is no mention of “not sucking.”
- If you’re looking for an advanced copy of our 2010 disabled list, MiLB.com was nice enough to get it ready for you.
- Oh, Kermit’s apparently making me write a review of some baseball video game that comes out next week. I resisted until he told me that in the game I could cut Dempster and bean Pujols in the dick every time he bats.
- To spare you the suspense, Aramis will not make it through the entire season completely healthy. Go ahead and freak out about it, NSBB and BCB.
- Finally, print out directions to this place and hide them somewhere safe. When the zombies come, we’re going to have to repopulate at some point.
Well, strodes, I have a game to coach and then a wagon to fall off. Have a good weekend.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
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