What’s worse? Cynicism or stupidity? Maybe I’m jaded (but at my age, I really have no right to be). Maybe I’m cranky. Maybe I’m bitter. But at least I’m not stupid. The majority of the “Cubs fans” weighing in on the FRONT-PAGE STORY of the Sun-Times this morning, on the other hand, are. The story teaser reads, “Is Nothing Sacred? It’s Trib vs Chicago.” The feature spread goes on to describe the misguided indignation of “Cubs fans” over Sam Zell’s expressed desire to sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field.

No matter what “Cubs fans” would have you believe, Wrigley Field is NOT “sacred.” Sam Zell isn’t taking a shit in the holy water at your church. He’s not wiping his ass with the Constitution. He’s not even painting dicks on the face of the Harry Caray statue. He’s maximizing his profit. That’s how billionaires get to be billionaires.

I understand the Sun-Times has an agenda. And that agenda is to make the Tribune look as bad as possible so that people purchase their tabloid instead of the Trib. Can’t they try to do it without making Cubs fans look like complete assholes, though?

Here are some quotes from pages 10-11 of the Sun-Times.

“I hate Sam Zell. I mean really hate him,” one outraged fan wrote on northsidebaseball.com.

Why? Because he’s a businessman? Because he doesn’t give a shit about your team? Because you hate everything, including direct sunlight and cheese that doesn’t come out of a can?

OK. I might only be 15 years old but I�ve been a Cubs fan my whole life. It won�t be right if Wrigley�s not Wrigley any more. Its a part of Chicago history. It would be like if all of a sudden someone paid your mom to change your name to Bob and she did. You wouldn�t like it.

Natalie H.

Natalie, if I gave your mom $400 million to change your name to Bob (even if we could all still call you Natalie with no repercussions), and she rejected it, your mom would be as stupid as your comment.

Dear Mr Zell…My dog�s name is Wrigley…he doesn�t answer to Verizon or General Motors or Southwest Airlines. Keep the name and generate more $$$ some other way.

Jeffrey S.

Dear Jeffrey…So, you’re one of the ten thousand dog owners in Chicago who named his dog “Wrigley”…how original…I bet you drive a Jetta, too…why are we using ellipses…go home…it’s almost time for Lipstick Jungle…

This is a non issue. Why? Because any corporation foolish enough to buy the rights for Wrigley Field would immediately become a social pariah, irreversibly damaging its own brand name and any previous good will it had built up with consumers. As for Sam �Mr. Potter� Zell: Congratulations, old timer: You�ve officially become a caricature of yourself.

J.B.

Yes. I’m sure 12 Verizon customers would cancel their phone service if Wrigley Field became Verizon Park. I don’t know how Verizon would ever recover. Also, do people even know what “becoming a caricature of yourself” means anymore? It’s overused and kind of stupid.

You sir are a money hoarding evil man. I can hear the devil in your voice. Thanks for trying to ruin the good name of Cubs fans.

Mike R.

Yeah, Sam! Ruining the good name of Cubs fans is clearly Mike R.’s job! So is Bible-thumping and guilt-ridden masturbatory sessions followed by vigorous self-flagellation.

Every now and then you need to remember that little voice inside that says, �don�t do it�, �this is really not worth it for a buck�. You know this is more than just an opportunity to cash in�you are tinkering within a sea of a community�s heart and soul that identifies strongly with the Wrigley Field ballpark and name. Karma is nothing to mess with Sam. Try giving back a little something, save the name and experience riches different and far more rewarding than a dollar in your hand.

Dawn A.

Let me guess. Your parents were hippies.

I�ve already canceled my subscriptions to the Chicago Tribune due to Zell’s disregard for Wrigley Field, a building he will have nothing to do with once the team is finally sold to someone who cares about the Chicago Cubs.

Jay N.

How many subscriptions to the Tribune did you HAVE?

Take a cue from the Red Sox and Yankees, both of whom could also sell the naming rights of Fenway and Yankee stadiums respectively, but drew the line there, recognizing that sometimes it is in fact �all in a name.�

Chris M.

Instead, let’s take a different cue from the Red Sox and Yankees and win a World Series in the past hundred fucking years.

Zell, why don�t you go to Hell.

Hugh B.

Holy shit, dude. Calm down. It’s just a name.

Any real Cubs fan calls it Cubs Park anyway.

Anonymous

Oh. My. God. I don’t think I know a single person who calls it “Cubs Park.” Good move leaving that one anonymous.

The list goes on, but the “celebrities” who came out in support of keeping the name as-is managed to sound even dumber.

Here’s my feeling. Whoever buys the Cubs should change THEIR last name to Wrigley. [A strictly corporate moniker] would be a bad business decision. It would not fly with us Chicagoans who have put in our time there.

Actor Joe Mantegna

Actually, Joe, as a “business decision,” it’s quite brilliant. You see, Sam Zell gets paid a shitload of money for doing nothing. As for changing last names, did you ever consider changing yours to “Montana” so people have at least heard of you?

The last thing that man needs is more money! It would be terrible. Wrigley Field means so much to history, to Major League Baseball and to Chicago in particular. I’d hate to have that happen. I think that’s insane. I think it would be one thing to change the name to honor a great Cubs play–Ernie Banks Field or Ron Santo Park–something like that. But not this. Its a classic. I’m dead set against it.

Actor John Mahoney

Maybe I’m missing something, but when was the last time you saw the queer dad from Frasier in Wrigley Field? Why is he so upset about it?

Could you ever imagine the Verizon Lincoln Memorial or the AT&T White House? You just don’t tamper with the names of American institutions like Wrigley Field.

Actress Marlee Matlin

Way to have your priorities in order, Marlee. Oh, sorry. WAY TO HAVE YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER, MARLEE!

I’m disappointed that they didn’t get John Cusack’s thoughts on the matter.

Of course, the worst writer in Chicago checked in with his thoughts. Mariotti suggests that since Zell is willing to sell the naming rights of one of his assets, he should also be willing to sell his OWN naming rights. Brilliant. That’s the equivalent of arguing that Jon McDonough should have an “Under Armor” tattoo on his ass just because he sold ad space on the outfield doors at Wrigley.

Mariotti, of course, completely brushes over the fact that Zell is trying to get the Wrigley Company to pay for the naming rights. This would obviously preserve the name and force some cash out of the company that has had free advertising for so long.

“The Wrigley Co. doesn’t pay anything for the naming rights at our ballpark,” said Kenney, the Zell henchman. “We’re trying to balance our desire to win, to have a big enough payroll that gives us an advantage. In my perfect world, the Wrigley Co. would step up and start paying for what they’ve been getting for free all these years.”

What b.s. You think Zell, after soaking someone for $400 million, would sink the windfall into the Cubs payroll? He’s taking the money and running before someone buys the team. I really wish that would happen soon, but I’m afraid we’re mired in Zell Hell for a while.

Okay, Jay. But what about Zell’s professed desire to KEEP the name and get money from Wrigley? I guess it’s cuter to completely gloss over that comment and come up with the amazingly clever “Zell Hell.” How long did that take you, Jay? Burned the midnight oil, did you? If I looked into your wastebasket, I’m sure I would find a crumpled-up piece of paper that looks like this:

SAM EATS LAMB
SAM VIETNAM
SAM ZELL SMELL
SMELLY ZELLY
JELLY BELLY ZELLY
I AM SAM (wasn’t that about a retard, or something?)
ZELLS BELLS
THE BAD SAM-ARITAN

Whether you like it or not, you imbecile, more revenue for the team will most likely lead to an increase in payroll, which will most likely lead to better players, which will most likely lead to an increased chance that the Cubs will win the World Series. Who gives a shit about the name of the stadium that hosts Game Seven?

The reaction of “Cubs fans” to the naming issue is embarrassing. I truly hope this is the squeaky wheel getting the publicity and that the majority of Cubs fans are more concerned about winning than tradition. From just a glance at the Sun-Times, though, maybe we DO deserve the cell-phone-talking, collar-popping, oblivious-to-the-starting-pitcher, just-there-to-drink, curse-of-the-goat stereotype. God help us all.