Hire Jim Essian

I don’t even need to read the Mail Bag any more to know that there are unplumbed levels of hilarity in each and every question and answer. As soon as a Mail Bag pops up, I know it is going to be pure gold. The latest Mail Bag is no different. This time, the questions are the real stars, so I’ll just go ahead and answer them.

With the uncertainty surrounding the potential of Pie, have the Cubs considered a trade for Coco Crisp? He seems to be everything we hope Felix will become, and he’s available.
– Tom D., Anchorage

First of all, Anchorage? Seriously? We get it, Carrie. Cubs fans are everywhere. There is no need to take stupid questions from people outside of Chicago just to beat that point into the ground. Secondly, I don’t know about you, but I’m not hoping that Felix Pie becomes a mediocre center fielder who doesn’t have the power to drive in runs nor the patience to get on base regularly. Why not just hope that Pie becomes the next Chris Singleton?

I keep hearing that Fukudome is fast, but how fast are we talking here? Is he fast for right field or is he fast like a Jimmy Rollins, Carl Crawford or Ichiro, or is he fast enough to not be called slow? Also, what is a realistic projection of his power numbers for his first year as a Cubbie?
– Chase G., Stillwater, Okla.

Oh, good. Stillwater. At least we’re back in the continental United States. When it comes to talkin’ about Fukudome, we’re talkin’ FAST, bro! Much faster than a giraffe, but not quite as fast as a zebra.

I want to know why Fukudome isn’t being looked at for the four-hole in the lineup. All I’ve read about is him hitting fifth, most likely, and possibly second. Fukudome’s on-base percentage and ability to work counts seems to be perfect in front of Ramirez. Would you mind asking Lou what he thinks?
– Harrison N., Indianapolis

Harrison, FYI, Carrie has absolutely no access to anyone important in the Cub organization. That’s why she answers questions from people like you.

I read that Carlos Zambrano was playing a little first base in the offseason to strengthen his legs. Would Piniella ever consider using him at first base to give Lee a day off, because of Zambrano’s hitting ability?
– Jason C., Des Moines, Iowa

Yes. Piniella is also going to let him tame lions, wrestle alligators, and play Russian roulette on his off days. Holy God, you’re an idiot.

I wanted to give props to Mark DeRosa for his taste in music. I got on YouTube and watched some of [American Idol contestant] Michael Johns’ videos. He is amazing and, thanks to DeRosa, I’ll be watching and voting.
– Thomas D., Gainesville, Fla.

Congratulations, Thomas. You just outed yourself to the sixty Cubs fans who still read Muskrat’s Mail Bags.

Could you tell me the all-time record between the Cubs and Cardinals? I work with a Cardinals fan, and he said the Redbirds lead the series by a huge margin. I believe it’s closer than he thinks.
– Kenny R., Poseyville, Ind.

It took a while, but we finally got to the traditional idiot who knows how to e-mail, but can do NOTHING ELSE on his computer. Seriously, these Mail Bag people are more predictable than the kid, the dopey guy, and the hot chick shooting the puck at the intermission of Blackhawks games. In every Mail Bag there’s one person who asks a pointless statistical question, one person who suggests doing something completely ridiculous with the lineup/rotation, and one person who talks about something that has absolutely nothing to do with the team (Wrigley Field, curses, or how much they “love” some shitty player).

Will the new statue for Ernie Banks be put in place by Opening Day? I see they are reconstructing the sidewalk in front of Wrigley underneath the marquee.
– Brian D., Grayslake, Ill.

Sorry, Brian. I can’t answer your question. Thomas is actually this week’s “guy who talks about something that has absolutely nothing to do with the team.”

Are the Cubs going to bring back the blue jerseys this year? I missed seeing Cubbie blue every once in awhile last year, and I know Zambrano loves the blues.
– Matt B., New Lenox, Ill.

This space could have been used to ask the following questions:

1. Does Jon Lieber look like he has anything left in the tank?
2. If the team started the season today, the lineup would be pretty well set, but what about the bench? Do guys like Ronny Cedeno and Mike Fontenot figure to go north with the team?
3. Who would you guess has the best chance of being the 2008 version of Carlos Marmol, a young guy who plays his way onto the MLB club and proves to be an integral part of a pennant run?

Nope. Instead we get the word “Cubbie” and a worthless fucking question about the color of the jerseys. Thanks for another insightful Mail Bag, Carrie.