Hey, ween-bags, we have a LOT of crap to wade through this week. I guess all of your local beat writers were saving up all winter so that they could release 1,000 baseball articles all over us in one week. So, wipe those articles out of your hair and eyebrows, and sit back for your Roundup:

• Just because that jealous misanthropic douchebag Mike D. hates all the writers doesn’t mean we can’t link to ‘em when they’re good. Mike Downey woke up to provide this solid piece.
• I read the first sentence of this Phil Rogers’ piece without gagging even once. You proud of me? You know, I think even an 11-year old can mock a Rogers article line-by-line like Kermit and that guy Mose from The Office
  do for everyone else. Come to think of it, that’s a hell of a testimonial:

  Phil Rogers: Articles so stupid, an 11-year old, a frog, and a redneck beet farmer in long johns can mock them.

• I must have been drunk as hell when The Muskrat was interviewing me for this article. This is what I get for letting Trammell buy the rounds. Everyone gives him free shots because they think he has carbuncles, so we got pretty whiskey drunk. Anyhow, not only did I say that I was going to have two of our worst OBP guys (Soriano and Theriot) batting 1-2 in the lineup with Fukker, Lee, and Ramirez to follow, but I also said that Dempster was going to start the Cactus League opener. Just in case I needed permission, though, Soriano says he’s okay with moving down in the lineup. Hey, the article isn’t all bad, surprisingly. Hidden in there is a sweet little nugget: Wood is working on a cut fastball he can throw to lefties. I get the feeling he’s going to make a lot of firewood if he masters that pitch. Oh, and Daryle Ward can beat you on the field AND on the court.
• It’s about time someone came up with a defensive statistic in which Jeter ranks dead last. Poor guy will be crying himself to sleep tonight on A-Rod’s broad shoulders.
• You know, I once gave up eating meat. That was a hell of a rough day. I give Prince Fielder until dinner tonight.
• There were a lot of articles about my closer this week. Some supported Howry. Some supported Wood. Some supported Marmol. Some had the stupidest opening line of a newspaper article I have ever read in my life.
• You know why I want so badly for Hendry to trade for Brian Roberts (who, by the way, should drink more water)? It’s not because I think Mark DeRosa can’t handle second base. It’s not because I don’t think DeRosa would look good at the top of the lineup. And it’s not because of that bases-loaded GIDP against the Diamondbacks in last year’s playoffs. It’s because of shit like this.
• Oh, good. Looks like we’re going to get to spend the spring listening to two obnoxious loudmouths who don’t realize that they both suck at baseball verbally spar through the media. I wonder how Millar plans on going yard off Dempster when they’re both playing on the same shitty Baltimore team. Please make that happen, Jim.
• You know, when McDonough left, I thought, “Well, at least the field surface is safe from any of his hair-brained schemes like holding a Police concert at Wrigley.” I was wrong.
• You know what would be a huge bonus? If Pie actually ends up being good. You know the odds of that actually happening? Same as those of one of The Commish’s “clever” opening lines actually causing someone to laugh.
• Sorry, Chad Fox. Looks like there’s probably ANOTHER guy ahead of you in the battle for the bullpen spots. That makes Ceda, Wood, Marmol, Dempster, Howry, Eyre, Wuertz, Gallagher, Hart, Petrick, Samardzija, Doug Dascenzo, and Yosh Kiwano. Good luck.
• Hey, what would you like to know about Tyler Colvin, one of our prospects? What he’s doing to try to win a spot on the big club? How his first experience last year in the big league camp compares with his experience this year? What his expectations are for his performance this season? Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, all we got were questions about ordering food, getting jet lag, and taking pictures. That’s some bang-up reporting, right there.
• Can we please stop with the Coco Crisp trade rumors? That guy sucks. We’re about as likely to bring in Count Chocula to play center.
• Gee, after looking at the picture, I’m not sure why we’d want to trade Murton.
• In former Cub news, it always gives me great joy when other people write exactly what I’m thinking. It also saves time so I can drink more often.
• Let me ask you something. Have you ever seen a guy walk through a sliding glass door sober? This story makes no sense. This kid Pence realizes he’s bleeding all over the place, and the first thing he does is calls his parents? I imagine the conversation went, “Mom? Dad? Hey, yeah, it’s me. No, I’m not still mad at you for naming me “Hunter.” How’s, uh- How’s everything going? Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah, so listen, you know how I promised I’d help you guys retire with my salary? Well, about that. I was a little tipsy, and you know how I have that door? No, the glass one. Yes, the sliding glass one. Anyhow, I sort of walked through it. Yeah. No, it was closed. So, anyhow, my hands are cut pretty bad. I had to dial the phone with my penis, and I might have just ruined my baseball career. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah, love you, too. Okay, bye.” I also like how the article describes how Pence was in a hot tub with “a friend.” Is his “friend” a rich oil baron with a fetish for pre-pubescent boys? You be the judge.
• Finally, The Dugout explores the dark world of cockfighting.

Enjoy the weekend, meatbags. We’re less than a week away from seeing some actual baseball games.

-Sweet Uncle Lou