Oh, Greg Couch. As soon as I heard that Aramis Ramirez had been connected to cockfighting in the Dominican Republic, I knew that your self-righteous bullshit would be forthcoming. It came with the headline, “Aramis Ramirez as wrong as Michael Vick.” You hate Aramis, Greg. We get it. But let’s take a closer look at your holier-than-thou asinine article.

In cockfighting, the animals are ugly. Roosters do not raise the same sympathy level as warm and fuzzy puppies being raised to tear each other�s heads off.

I guess this is a better lead-in than Couch’s original: “I love cock just as much as I love puppies.”

Or, as we learned from Michael Vick, dogs being placed on rape-stands for mating, or body-slammed to death for failing during training.

Dog fighting is sick. Cock fighting is sick. Only one was done ILLEGALLY, though.

But according to The New York Times, Cubs third-baseman Aramis Ramirez is featured in a Dominican cockfighting magazine, En La Traba, with several roosters he has raised for fighting, saying, “When I�m in the Dominican Republic, I�m dedicated entirely to them.”

So, during the offseason, when Aramis Ramirez is in a different country and has absolutely no reason to answer to the Cubs or to Greg Couch for anything he’s doing, he has a hobby that a lot of Americans think is cruel. Sort of like a lot of people think hunting and fishing are cruel.

And no matter what images this evokes, and what Dominican cultural norms Ramirez lives within, this is not any more acceptable than what Vick was doing with dogfighting.

Except it’s not illegal, so it’s at least a LITTLE more acceptable.

Not morally, anyway. Not in showing respect for life.

I sure hope you’re a vegetarian, Couch. The way I see it, you have two options: vegetarian or total fucking hypocrite. I don’t like the idea of cock fighting one bit. I’d certainly like to get morally outraged at Aramis’ hobby, but I enjoy a good steak or a delicious chicken sandwich every once in a while. Those animals don’t exactly get five-star treatment before they end up on my plate, so it’s tough for me to judge Aramis too harshly.

When you raise animals for the purpose of watching them suffer and die for your entertainment, that is not acceptable.

Yes. It’s much more acceptable to raise them for the sole purpose of killing them for food. Or to shoot them for no reason other than to mount them on your wall.

I�m not saying Ramirez needs to go to jail; it doesn’t appear he’s broken any laws.

“Doesn’t appear” that he’s broken any laws? Don’t be a wishy-washy dick, Greg. He HASN’T broken any laws, and you know it.

I wouldn�t even suspend him at this point.

Oh, thank God. I’m sure Jim Hendry will take your opinion under advisement.

But the Cubs need to demand that he stop it.

Why? Because you’re morally outraged? Because your world is different from that of the people in the Dominican Republic? Are you going to suggest that the White Sox demand that Mark Buehrle stop hunting? What about fishing? I sure wish the Cubs would have suspended Dusty Baker for fishing. Because I’m morally outraged that anyone would ever hunt or fish an animal for their own entertainment.

If it turns out that this is a widespread issue, then commissioner Bud Selig might have to step in.

Yeah, because Bud does a great job playing the part of the moral police. Just like he jumped all over the steroid issue before it got out of control.

We�ve already seen recently video of Pedro Martinez, and former pitcher Juan Marichal, involved in the “sport.�� “Dominicans say cockfighting is in their blood.��

But, because you don’t hate Pedro, you didn’t bother writing an article calling for his head after he was connected to cockfighting. Your agenda is transparent and petty.

That�s the headline on the Times� story, which includes this passage: “They can have their eyes pecked out by a more vigorous adversary. They can be impaled through the brain with one of the plastic spikes that are affixed to the foot of every fighting bird. Or, if a lung is punctured, the end may come in slow, raspy gasps.��

Yes. It’s terrible. I agree with that. Hunting isn’t painless, either, though. And I bet Aramis’ cocks (hee hee) live a much better life than the Perdue chickens do.

We can�t accept this.

So don’t, you self-righteous little geek. Protest. Stop going to the games. Do the world a favor and stop writing about the Cubs. Don’t vote for Aramis and Pedro for the Hall of Fame, and then write some stupid article about it.

It�s a little trickier than with Vick, though, isn�t it? We�re talking about another country. And frankly, it bugs me when Americans try to impose our culture on others, as if they�re barbarians.

Wait. Isn’t that exactly what you’re doing?

But cross-cultural policing has been in the news lately. You might have noticed that in England, athletes planning to compete in this summer�s Olympics in Beijing were forced by their own country to sign a contract vowing not to be critical publicly of China�s human rights record. The U.S. said it will not follow suit.

Steven Spielberg withdrew from his role as an artistic adviser to the Games, citing human rights reasons.

And a few years ago, I saw an Afghan woman run sprints at the Olympics in long pants, happily freed from the Taliban, but still wanting to honor her country. Maybe members of the U.S. press were looking for her to tear into her country, but after her race, she said she was just disappointed she couldn�t find her flag to parade around the track.

Steven Spielberg holds a lot of water in this country. You don’t hold shit, Couch.

It isn�t easy trying to be a judge of other cultures. But in the case of cockfighting, I�m coming back to Michael Vick.

Which makes no sense. You see, you CAN judge Vick, because you ARE a part of his culture. You CAN’T judge Aramis because you’re NOT a part of his culture. See the difference?

But from what we know now, the actions of Ramirez and Vick seem to be hauntingly similar. If Vick had taken his dogfighting ring to another country, he still would have deserved harsh criticism.

I agree. If Michael Vick went to a country in the offseason in which dogfighting was legal solely to avoid U.S. law, he’d should be judged harshly. But if Vick GREW UP IN A CULTURE in which dogfighting was the norm, and returned, during the offseason, to that culture, he shouldn’t be judged as harshly. So, the situations are actually quite different, even though you can’t wrap your mind around that concept.

And Ramirez, who represents Chicago and the national pastime in his Cubs uniform, does now.

Yes. Aramis represents Chicago and the national pastime IN HIS CUBS UNIFORM. If he shows up at a cock fight wearing his jersey, the Cubs should put a stop to that to prevent any association of the team with such activities. Until that happens, though, maybe they should leave him the hell alone. And maybe you should get off your tired soapbox and consider someday writing an article about an actual BASEBALL topic.