Well, pitchers and catchers have reported, which gives me license to reuse the same picture and caption I used last year to commemorate this event. Screw you if you don’t like it! I’m old! Anyhow, here’s the Roundup:

• Going into Spring Training, I like my players to be confident, but some just take it too far.
• Some other guys, on the other hand, take it just far enough.
• Some guys are so damn lovable, they have their own Fan Club.
• And some guys just need to get their asses over here before we’re all too old to lace them up anymore.
• Meanwhile, The Muskrat is up to her old tricks, wasting an awful lot of words on a guy who has NO CHANCE of making the bullpen this year. Seriously. If Chad Fox makes the bullpen this year, I will wear Rothschild’s jock strap over my face like a gas mask for an entire week.
• If you like Asian chicks and baseball, you’re probably Apex today is a hell of a good day for you.
• I expect to have selected a closer by the time Spring Training is 3/4 of the way over. Why 3/4? Because I was just fucking around with Muskrat. Who uses fractions these days? Also in that link, there was some 44-year-old dude who broke into the locker room to steal stuff from Jeff Samardzija, Jake Fox, and Tyler Colvin. Look, I know some pathetic lowlifes. After all, I have to talk to the media every day. But how sad does your life have to be that you’re a 44-year-old man stealing baseball memorabilia from a bunch of kids that won’t even be in the majors this year? You can ask him yourself, if you can figure out his screen name at NSBB.
• You know, if Clemens’ shovel breaks while digging that grave, he can borrow mine. First, I get one free shot at his head with it, though.
• Speaking of assholes, I thought the world was finally purged of John Rocker. Guess not. I hope someday he finds that mule that kicked him and made him cross-eyed. And I hope that mule kicks him in the throat this time.
• Thank God my players are finally getting to camp. The Muskrat was one article shy of “Around the Horn: The Trainers.”
• We missed celebrating the anniversary of the invention of the catcher’s mask. It’s a damn good thing we had those masks last year. They kept Kendall from trying to bite everyone.
• The big story in biology this week was about two gorillas banging face-to-face. I don’t see what the big deal is. Just a few evolutionary steps down the road, and he’ll go right back to flipping her over.

Well, kids, that’s all for me. I have to learn how to say “get me some guys that can throw the damn ball” in Japanese. Have a good weekend.

-Sweet Uncle Lou