Hire Jim Essian

Of course, because this is the Cubs we’re talking about, this could be an annual list, a collection of the top 20 baserunning blunders for each season. As it is, we here at Hire Jim Essian! have sifted through the history books and our own personal memories to provide the twenty situations that clearly stand out and are deserving of recognition.

20. Current Cub Matt Murton, in spite of being a consistently competent hitter, has not seen his name mentioned much this year as an everyday player. A big reason is Murton’s liability on defense. And, while it may not be reason enough to bench him, Murton’s baserunning has also left a lot to be desired. No more was this demonstrated than in one of the many early-season painful losses that the Cubs suffered last season as Sweet Uncle Lou took the first 2+ months of 2007 to fumigate the Cubs’ clubhouse of Dusty-itis. Last April, at Turner Field, with the Cubs trailing 8-6, Murton led off the eighth inning with a walk. Michael Barrett (who probably deserves his own Top 20 Boneheaded Plays list of his own) singled to the gap in left-center field, and Murton took third base. The next hitter, Jacques Jones, hit one of his patented infield choppers. Even though Murton’s run was insignificant, and even though the ball hit by Jones was a weakly hit, Murton froze along the third base line like the mouhtbreathing idiot he often is on the basebaths. Third baseman Chipper Jones’ only play was to first, and Chipper must have been as stunned to find Murton still standing on third base as he was when he found out the Hooters girl he was cheating on his wife with was pregnant. Regardless, the Cubs ended up getting nothing out of the inning, and went on to lose.

19. Since we’ve mentioned Barrett, let’s get one of his out of the way. In another frustrating loss last season, in an interleague game against the Mariners, Barrett delivered a clutch game-tying RBI single in the eighth inning and immediately negated his contribution when Mark DeRosa came up next and hit a clear shot to the gap in right-center. Instead of making the obvious determination that not even the mighty Ichiro had a chance at running down the ball, Barrett stood for a few seconds between first and second and dreamt about playing with the rabbits. Even still, he should have been able to score, and was in fact being waved homed by Mike Quade. Instead, because Barrett has a brain the size of a pistachio, he froze at third base, from where he was later forced out at a home on a Ryan Theriot grounder in a game the Cubs eventually would lose in extra innings when Barrett fudged a 42-hop throw from Jones in the 13th inning allowing the rotting corpse of Jose Vidro to stumble across home plate with the winning run.

18. Murton and Barrett’s former teammate, Jacques Jones, was so eager to make an impression with the Cubs in his first season in 2006, that he jumped out to the National League lead in getting doubled off a base. My memory tells me that Jones was doubled off three times in about a ten day period, but I can’t stand to pick apart each one. Instead, let’s go for this one against the Nationals in a May game at Wrigley. With the bases juiced and one out, Jones took off from second base when Ronny Cedeno hit a humpback liner to future Cub Alfonso Soriano. Double play. Inning over. Of course, by then, Jones had gotten used to getting doubled off.

17. Speaking of multiple offenders at getting doubled off, remember the speed-fueled anger of Moises Alou? Well, apparently, Moises would get so damn jumpy that he simply didn’t have TIME to wait and see if a ball would get caught or not. He’s Moises Alou goddamit. He’ll run whenever the hell he wants to. Like Jones, Alou made a habit of getting doubled off base during the slow, painful death that was the 2004 season. In a game August 31st against the lowly Expos, after Montreal jumped out to a four-run lead in the bottom half of the first, Moises took off when Aramis Ramirez knocked one the other way to right field. Thanks, Moises. We really didn’t need you on the basepaths anyway. We’re only down four goddamn runs!

16. Remember the Cubs 14-game losing streak that ushered in the 1997 season? Yeah, neither do I. I’ve managed to repress that memory. However, in compiling this list, I was forced to contemplate that season and I managed to recover some dark visions. After coming home with an 0-6 record and losing the Home Opener to Florida two days earlier, the Cubs were all set to go 0-8 when Fat Alex Fernandez took a no-hitter into the ninth inning at Wrigley. Fernandez drew within two outs of being the first pitcher to no-hit the Cubs since Sandy Koufax when he struck out Dave Clark to start the final frame. Dave Hansen had other ideas, though, when he broke up the no-no with an infield single.  And, because the game was merely 1-0 in Florida’s favor, the Cubs suddenly went from nearly being no-hit to being in a position to end their season-opening seven-game losing streak when Brian McRae reached base on a throwing error by third baseman Bobby Bonilla. Jose Hernandez, who had replaced Dave Hansen as pinch-runner now stood at second base as the tying run and the freezing cold 28,585 at Wrigley began to get their hopes up. The next hitter, Brant Brown, hit a ball to shortstop that looked like it might be a game-ending double play, but Edgar Renteria booted it. Yeah! The bases are loaded! The streak might be over! Oh wait–as soon as Renteria butchered Brown’s grounder, he got up and threw the ball behind him to third base, catching an inattentive Hernandez who had drifted past third base during the play. Hernandez dove back, but not before Bonilla swiped him with a tag. The next hitter, Ryne Sandberg, struck out to end the game, and the losing streak would continue for ten freaking days.

15. Since we’re on the topic of inattentiveness, how about the time in 2000, during a Cubs/Sox games at the Cell, when Mark Grace, who had suffered through a 1-7 game the night before in an extra-inning loss, was scanning the stands on the South Side, looking for slumpbusters when he became paralyzed by the fact that he had so many to choose from. Problem was, Grace was standing on first base at the time, while the bases were loaded with two outs in the 8th inning and Sammy Sosa at the plate, and the Cubs trailing by just one run. While Harry Caray would always mock Rick Sutcliffe for his “fake throw to third, fake throw to first” routine that Harry would always insist “went out with high button shoes”, Grace embarssingly got picked off first with this ridiculousness when Sox scrub Sean Lowe pulled the same crap. Grace would argue that Lowe had balked, but we know the truth, Mark, and we understand.

14. After the Cubs opened up the 2001 season with a tough, extra-inning loss to Montreal, they went at it again two days later at Wrigley. Montreal jumped out to a 3-0 lead in the first inning, and that was all they would score for the day. Meanwhile, the Cubs tallied a run in the second and third and the score remained 3-2 heading into the bottom of the ninth. With future machete-tosser Ugeth Urbina on the mound, Eric Young began the ninth inning with a single and then stole second base. Billy Mueller sacrificed Young to third, where he stood when Sammy Sosa walked. In one of the more inexplicable moves in a career riddled with them, Sosa decided to try to steal second. What made it even worse was that Sosa took off before Urbina had even thrown the pitch. Ugeth looked over his shoulder and saw Sosa taking off, stepped off the mound, and fired the ball to second base where Sosa was easily nailed. The game ended with Young standing on third base.

13. Let’s take a trip in TJ Brown’s wayback machine for a couple of baserunning gaffes that are both from the 1922 season. The first is a game from August 6th against the Giants. Honestly, I don’t know how TJ finds this stuff, because it’s not at Retrosheet or BB-Ref. Anyway, this is the description that TJ has provided: “In the top of the eighth, Charlie Hollocher grounded out 4-3. However, Cliff Heathcote running from 2B rounded 3B too far and was rundown. The description in the NY Evening Telegram says that “at the finish he was surrounded by practically the entire Giant team.”

12. I don’t know what was in the water for that ‘22 team, but three weeks later, on the 22nd of August, in a game against Brooklyn, more hijinks. Take it away, TJ: ” In the bottom of the third, Ray Grimes stole 2b. Thrilled with his success, he tried to steal 3b. Unfortunately, when he got there he found teammate Charlie Hollocher already on the bag. Hollocher then tried to score but was tagged out.”

11. Okay, back to the future. Derrek Lee had a bitch of a time during another Cubs/Sox game, this one in 2005. I don’t know what it is about Cub first baseman getting picked off in the eighth inning of games against the White Sox with their team trailing by a run, but that’s exactly what happened to Lee after he singled home a run to make the game 4-3. Sox reliver Dumbasso Marte came into the game in relief of Cleft Palate and promptly picked Lee off first with Jeromy Burnitz at the dish. Cubs ended up losing 5-3.

10. You didn’t think you’d be able to read this list and not find Michael Barrett on this list twice did you? Well you must be dumber than Michael Barrett then. In a game that would be better remembered for Barrett’s uncanny ability to again queer a gimme putout on the basepaths when he had Ramon Martinez dead to rights between second and third but elected to throw the ball behind Martinez rather than run toward him, leading to the winning run minutes later, Lenny also made the asinine decision, earlier in the game, to try to swipe third base with two outs. He was out by approximately 75 feet. Thank god this dumbass is gone from the team.

9. Jeromy Burnitz spent one year with the Cubs and it was rather undistinguished. He played okay right field, struck out a lot, hit a few homers and hit many more popups. Pretty much what as expected of him when he signed. What wasn’t expected of him was getting picked off third base with one out in the eighth inning of a game when he was representing the tying run. Some fat guy walked 1,500 miles to see this?

8. The Cubs were making people believe that 1998 may not have been a big giant fluke when they found themselves with a 32-23 record in early June 1999. Furthermore, back-to-back 9th inning wins in the desert over eventual NL West champ Arizona had them feeling pretty strong. The next night against the Diamondbacks, it looked like Randy Johnson and Co. were easily headed toward salvaging the final game of the series when he and the D-Backs took an 8-1 lead into the 8th inning. The Cubs continued to show their mettle, however, rallying for six runs, making the score 8-7. In the 9th, Henry Rodriguez drew a two-out walk. Lance Johnson was called on to pinch run for Oh Henry. Representing the tying run, One Dog proceeded to…get picked off first to end the game. After this game, the Cubs would free-fall in a fashion that–even by their standards–was dramatic, closing out the season with a brutal 34-71 record the rest of the way. Rarely has being picked off base led to such dire consequences.

7. We all love Carlos Zambrano but Big Z put our loyalty to the test on Labor Day last year. Rounding into September, the Cubs needed their ace to be in charge. Instead Carlos ran through a stop sign from third-base coach Mike Quade and was thrown out at home by a country mile, killing what should have been a big third inning. Strung out and tired from all of the adrenaline involved in sprinting around the bases and getting thrown out, Zambrano took the mound in the top of the 4th, gave up his second lead of the day, got pulled, got booed, and then ripped the fans for booing him. Everything’s okay now. Carlos, but try using your head when you’re on the basebaths.

6. Back when we did the Top 20 Blown Saves, we mentioned this kick-to-the-crotch game from 1969 when Willie Stargell helped snatch defeat from the jaws of victory for the Cubs. What wasn’t pointed out was that the Cubs still had a chance to win this game in extra innings. In the bottom of the 10th, sweet-swingin’ Billy Williams led off with a double and the next batter–Ron Santo–was walked intentionally. Although Santo’s potential run was completely meaningless (in fact non-existent would Williams have crossed home plate), he somehow got himself caught drifting too far off of first base when Willie Smith lined out to Pittsburgh third baseman Richie Hebner. Hebner fired across the diamond to double off Santo and the winning rally was effectively thwarted. Had 2007 Ron Santo been in the broadcast booth that day, he likely would have said, “Aw. Geez! Man. C’mon! What is going ON out there?”

5. The next two on the list are special, as they appeared in not only the same game, but the same inning. As the 2001 Cubs fought to stay in contention, they did battle with the Florida Marlins in this early September tilt at Wrigley. The Cubs rallied to tie the game in the eighth and threatened to win it in the 10th when Michael Tucker led off with a walk and promptly wound up at third base when the next batter–Ricky Gutierrez–singled to right field. Robert Machado came up next and hit a bouncer to third baseman Mike Lowell. For god only knows what reason (there was nobody out), Tucker took off for home. Surprised, Lowell fired to Charles Johnson who tagged Tucker out. Guh. There was still hope, however, as now there was only one out and runners on first and second. But…

4. The next hitter, Delino DeShields, hit a bleeder into left field. Equally as inexplicable as Tucker’s decision to take off for home one batter earlier was Gutierrez’ decision to pull an ole’ Moises/Jacques by taking off for third when the ball was hit. Future Cub Cliff Floyd made the catch running in toward the infield, and then continued to run–or, rather, jog–all the way to second base for the unassisted double play.  The Marlins eventually won the game in 13 innings, and the September slide for the 2001 Cubs had begun.

3. It’s a shame that Mark Grace has to be on this list twice. But, like I said, the first one was hardly his fault as he was surrounded by a bunch of 350 pound Konerko fans while in a little bit of a slump. 11 years earlier, in 1989, Grace was just a young pup in the midst of a pennat race. In this absolutely crucial early September contest against the Cardinals, where the Cubs had entered a mere 1/2 game in front of St. Louis for first place in the old NL East, the Cubs found themselves down 2-1 in the bottom of the 6th inning. Grace led off the 6th with a walk. After Andre Dawson popped out, Grace tried catching St. Louis off guard by moving into scoring position with a stolen base. The move backfired, as Cardinal catcher Tony Peña gunned down Grace. Luckily for Grace, Luis Salazar later tied and won the game, the Cubs never did fall out of first place, and Grace was able to shine during that season’s NLCS.

2. I know it sounds of crazy to include a World Series game in here, since it’s been sixty three goddamn years since the Cubs have even played in one, but bear in mind that they did play in ten prior to 1945, which is pretty damn good. In 1918 they played Boston, who had won every one of their four World Series appearances up to that point. Anyway, Max Flack had a real rough go of it in Game 4. With Boston holding a 2-1 series lead, Flack got picked off first base by Boston catcher Sam Agnew in the first inning But that wasn’t even the worst example. The next time Flack reached base was in the third inning, when he wound up on second base with two outs and the score still 0-0. Boston pitcher Babe Ruth–in the midst of a World Series scoreless streak that would last until Whitey Ford broke it over for decades later–whirled around and picked Flack off of second base. Boston went on to win the game and, eventually, the Series, which was their last World Series victory until 2004, when Red Sox fans instantly turned into the biggest collection of obnoxious douchebags on planet Earth.

1. As of this writing, Ronny Cedeño is still a Cub. Hopefully not for much longer. Regardless, whether Ronny’s on the Cubs this year, or in Baltimore, or Iowa, or washing dishes in a diner in Tuscaloosa–whatever–he’s got to be #1 on this list. Seriously. How the hell do you get thrown out at second base while advancing on a walk? If this has ever happened before, it’s probably happened so few times that you can count the instances on one hand. In an early season pitchers duel against the Deadbirds, Cedeño entered the game as a pinch-runner for Mark DeRosa in the 9th inning (and this is the THIRD pinch-runner to appear in this list). On a 3-2 count to Jacques Jones and nobody out, Cedeno took off for second. The pitch was Ball 4. Being a close pitch and not wanting to wait for the umpire’s ruling, St. Louis catcher Yadier Molina fired the ball to second base. Cedeño beat the throw, but it didn’t matter–the walk to Jones meant that Cedeño was entitled to second base. However, Cedeño slid past the bag, and Cardinal organ harvester David Eckstein applied the tag. Second base umpire and colossal ass Angel Hernandez made the correct call in ringing Cedeno up. The best part? Cedeño wasn’t even able to comprehend what he had done, saying after the game “I said, ‘What did I do?’ He said, ‘You passed the base.’ I said, ‘So what? It’s ball four.’ I never had that happen before — must be new rules.” Yeah. New rules. Dumbass.