Yo, Jim! I Got Your “Two Significant Moves” Right Here!
[Gestures toward balls]
Nah, I’m just messing with you, Jim. Lou has balls enough for the whole team. Really, though, I’m going to freak you out with this one. Forget Erik Bedard. Forget him. I figured out how you can end your offseason as the top team in the National League without him.
I’m hoping, Jim, that as I type this you are kicking the tires on Khalil Greene. It seems the Padres don’t care enough to send him flowers anymore.
Remember that series in oh, let’s just say 2004, when the Cubs went to San Diego for a three-game series and Greene recorded 70 of the 81 outs the Cubs made that weekend? If you were as lame as Steve Stone, you might call Greene a “dandy little glove man.” Since most of you aren’t Steve Stone, you’ll be relieved to learn that you don’t need to use the word “gritty” to describe Greene. Instead, you can use the word “good.” Refreshing, no?
At the plate, Greene is exactly the kind of hitter who will infuriate you to no end. Have no illusions about that. He doesn’t walk, and he strikes out way too much. But he’s better than Ryan Theriot. Much better than Ryan Theriot. Perhaps, infinitely better than Ryan Theriot. Both at the plate and in the field.
The Padres are interested in Matt Murton. Why? Well, he’s a solid young hitter, and Jim Hendry must have convinced Padres’ G.M. Kevin Towers that San Diego is getting transferred to the AL West this year so Murton can DH. They can have him. They can also have Ronny Cedeno, to “replace” Greene and whatever young pitcher (within reason) it takes to get the deal done.
Meanwhile, finish the deal for Brian Roberts. They want Sean Gallagher and a young outfielder? What’s the hold-up? Send them Gallagher and Felix Pie. I woke up this morning and decided that I’m done with Pie. Seriously. It was one of the first things I thought of this morning. Is that weird? Maybe. But if Pie and Gallagher gets it done, Jim would be foolish not to do it.
Aramis Ramirez, Khalil Greene, Brian Roberts, and Derrek Lee around the horn is the best offensive infield in the National League. Defensively, I think you can call that infield “elite.” Your bench, which includes Ryan Theriot, Mark DeRosa, and Daryle Ward, is one of the best in baseball. Plug the mighty untouchable SAM FULD into center field, and here is your Opening Day lineup:
S Brian Roberts 2B
L Kosuke Fukudome RF
R Derrek Lee 1B
R Aramis Ramirez 3B
R Alfonso Soriano LF
R Khalil Greene SS
R Geovany Soto C
L Sam Fuld CF
Suddenly, Geovany Soto doesn’t have to be the rookie stud that the Cubs are relying on him to be if they can’t upgrade elsewhere. Mark DeRosa can substitute for 75% of those guys, getting him plenty of at-bats over the course of the season. The Cubs’ grittiest and most successful base stealer during the 2007 season is suddenly a speedy late-inning option.
Screw upgrading the pitching. You currently have thirty starting pitchers on the 40-man roster. If When someone Ryan Dempster ends up sucking, and if you’re convinced that no one can replace him, make a move for pitching at the trade deadline. For now, hit your way into the playoffs. Worry about the pitching when you need to.
Forget Bedard, Jim. Get Spicoli. Maybe he’ll bring pizza.
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