“Feast your eyes, boys- I mean LADIES! LADIES!”Sorry I’m late with the Roundup, jerks. Ah, no I’m not. Like you bastards don’t surf the web all day and find these links before I post them, anyhow. YOU’RE HERE FOR ME AND I KNOW IT!

  • For all you video game baseball nerds, here is the first solid information on MLB 2K8. They fixed a lot of annoyances from last year. Namely, the shitty hitting interface. Kerm was happy that they modified the baserunning, too, which sucked last year. The brand-new pitching interface sounds intriguing, and now you can play as our minor league teams, in case you want to experience the glorious end of Chad Fox’s career. Again.
  • Speaking of video game nerds, how does this doughy bitch keep getting his name plastered all over the internet?
  • Maybe the Red Sox organization just teaches all their pitchers to be loudmouth douchebags.
  • Look, I know everyone is worried about the fact that we don’t have a centerfielder. To assuage those concerns, I present RONNY CEDENO! Ha ha ha!!!
  • Kermit and I have steadfastly refused to link to any Mariotti articles, but the one he squirted out yesterday was one of his worst ever. In it, he says that we would be big meanies to get Brian Roberts because baseball is such a game of integrity. Although it might be okay if we get him next year. Or something. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on his latently homosexual opening paragraph, though. “Is it possible a man can use steroids only once? Does he feel a needle pierce the hide of his buttocks and realize, right then and there, that he has violated his conscience and made a grievous mistake?” PIERCE THE HIDE OF HIS BUTTOCKS!!! I’m not fucking kidding. That’s the second sentence of his article. Jay, will you please just admit that you want a cock in your mouth? Maybe it’d shut you up for five fucking minutes.
  • I like former 20-game winner Jon Lieber as much as the next guy, but he- ah- he sucks now.
  • The Onion reports on Roger Clemens’ latest lawsuit.
  • At one point, Corey Patterson was asking for three years, TWENTY-FOUR MILLION?! For what? Playing baseball? Are you fucking kidding me?
  • I don’t envy the cop who had to sniff out this trail.
  • I have an idea. I’m going to get Dempster really drunk, and tattoo the Mark of the Beast on his pitching hand.
  • Finally, here’s your feel-good story of the weekend. That deer must have felt as out of place as Jim Edmonds’ penis feels in a vagina.

Have a good weekend, jerks. Hopefully, we’ll either get this Roberts thing done by Monday or we’ll figure out we have 65 second basemen already on the roster and forget the whole damn thing.

-Sweet Uncle Lou