Looks like we got a lot of well-thought-out and topical questions for the Mailbag. In honor of that, I answered these questions on the shitter. Way to go, jerkoffs.
LizzieG
As the resdient Matt Murton groupie, I want to know what you think will happen to Matt this season. I know his fielding isn’t great but he’s not freaking Jason Dubious out there, or maybe I’m delusional and just can’t see past my blind Matt love. Anyway, it seems to me like his offensive production is well enough that he should be considered for more than a bench player. I’m also curious as to how you see the outfield in general. I’m all excited that we have Fucky and Soriano, but I hate that the third outfielder might be the offensively impotent duo of Fuld and Pie.
LizzieG, according to Jim Hendry, Sam Fuld is the greatest player in the history of this franchise. According to everyone who doesn’t want to bone him/be boned him, Matt Murton is hilariously bad in the corner outfield positions. Look, he’s not going to replace Soriano or Fukudome out there, and, frankly, I’d rather watch Quade whack off than watch Murton play center field.
TDubbins
Check this out, it’s pretty sweet. Sorry if it’s old news for some of you interweb losers
http://mlbcontracts.blogspot.com/2005/01/chicag…
What part of the word “question” did you not understand? You suck at life.
Chris Hansen
Does Anita like anal sex?
You think I’d let her strap one on to find out? I think not.
Jeff
lou, is it true that you and cliff floyd would smoke a big ole joint after every game and make matt murton perform “on the good ship lollipop” for amusement?
That is such a lie.
It was “I Feel Pretty.” Floyd would laugh so fucking hard when he said he feels “gay.” I’m gonna miss that guy.
bocaj
Does God love me?
I’ve always believed that God is filled with infinite love for all of His children. But I’m guessing no.
KittiesRQute!
Lou, have you ever been playing with a dog or cat or something and suddenly noticed that you have an erection? What do you tell yourself when something like that happens? Have you ever done “stuff” with the animal just to see if you might be into it? Do you want to join my internet group?
No.
N/A
No.
No.
Monkey Teeth
Lou, what’s the best tooth-whitening system? It’s not for me. It’s for a friend.
Try drinking bleach.
bocaj
Wow, JD, you’re soooo funny…
True.
*In a Nutsack
As the resident racist, what do you think of letting that SoCal honkey head off to his homeland in San Diego to become the 2008…no, 2009 Cy Young award winner?
There is so much shit wrong with this question.
- Jacque Jones is black, not white.
- Jones went to Detroit, not San Diego.
- Jones is an outfielder. The Cy Young is an award for pitchers.
- Jones is terrible at baseball and will never win any awards.
Mike Seaver
Does Matt Murton smell like tapioca? He looks like he smells like tapioca. And what’s up with his skin? It’s got dots all over it.
I’ll answer your question with another question. Was your best friend’s name really Boner and, if so, was that what turned you into an insane Christian?
*In a Nutsack
Dear Lou:
If the Cubs locker room were the cast of The Office, which player personifies each character?
Michael: Jim Hendry
Dwight: Larry Rothschild
Jim: Kerry Wood
Pam: Fukudome
Andy: Matt Murton
Kevin: Daryle Ward
Ryan: Ryan Theriot
Kelly: Alfonso Soriano
Angela: Carrie Muskat
Oscar: Carlos Marmol
Stanley: Mike Quade
Phyllis: Also Carrie Muskat
Meredith: Alan Trammell
Creed: Me
Toby: Ted Lilly
Roy: Carlos Zambrano
Darryl: Derrek Lee
Jan: Jason Marquis
Jimmy Johnson
What in the name of John Wayne’s ass is going on in that photo?
I lost a bet and had to get my hair dyed. A Piniella man never welshes on a bet.
Burt The Boy Wonder
Dera Lou,
Jim Edmonds & Mark Prior on the same team. What does that mean?
It means they are going to spend a lot of time in the whirlpool together playing “Whose wiener is rubbing up against my leg?”
Fork
How much do your balls weigh? And, are they steel, brass, or some sort of space-age alloy? Any why does Kermit want this stuff emailed to him? Is he really that much of a douche?
Three pounds of solid brass. Three pounds EACH. Kermit likes feeling loved. He’s a bigger douche than you could imagine.
Ned Ryerson
Lou,
Do you have insurance? If you do, you could always use more…
Are you right? Or are you right? Or are you right? Right?
Phil
Ned? Ned Ryerson?
Bing! Are we almost done with these?
Carl Winslow
Lou, how do you bring a woman to orgasm?
My problem is getting them to stop. When you’re able to pick up chicks just by carrying around your own baseball card, the panties just puddle on the floor.
Jon
If God is all-powerful, can He make a doughnut that even Jim Hendry can’t finish?
He probably could, if He weren’t so busy hating bocaj.
level5
Will the Cubs win at least one play off game this year?
Since you asked this question in 2007, I’m going to have to say no. In 2008? We’re going all the way, bitches.
level5
Dear Lou,
How will the rest of America handle the “Discomfort” that Cub fans have known for years each Autum??
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-colon_fr…
The link was something about colons. The answer is something about Angel Pagan.
Jim Nelson
Lou, do you think being named in the Mitchell Report will hurt Jerry Hairston, Jr.’s chances of making the Hall of Fame?
I don’t think it affected his chances one bit. Not one.
Samuel Powers
Lou, do you watch “Samantha Who?” starring the delightful Christina Applegate? I think it’s probably the best new comedy of the season.
I’ve been waiting for that chick to get topless since “Married…With Children.” Let me know when she does. Until then, I’m not interested.
Kobes
If the Cubs trade for Roberts how quickly will you move Soriano to the 5 hole? And if he talks back will you whip out your dick and put him in his place or some other display of masculinity to stop his bitching?
Faster than Santo can mispronounce “Fukudome.” I haven’t decided between hanging brain on Soriano, pulling the old “gum on my pants” trick, or teabagging him in his sleep.
Jonathan Bowers
Lou, how can you tell who wins in a swordfight? I don’t mean the ghey pirate type. I mean the ghey boner-slapping type.
When it comes to boner-slapping swordfights, everyone loses.
TDubbins
Lou -
Do you like giving Anita a Strawberry Shortcake or a Dog in a Bathtub better?
I had to look those up. What the hell is wrong with you?
Douglas Howser
Lou, quick question with a couple follow-ups:
First, is there really such a thing as, I’m not sure how to spell it, as a queef…queaf…quefe…I think you know what I’m talking about. My friend says they’re an urban myth, but I KNOW I heard my grandmother queef (sp?) last week when I visiting and the smell was just awful. Granny don’t usually smell that way.
Second, if they do exist, what do you do if a girl lets out a vagina fart in your presence? Pretend it didn’t happen?
There is. Anita and I have an agreement that if that ever happens, I will immediately leave her.
Well, gang, that was enlightening. You’re all a bunch of sex-starved freaks.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
