New Year’s Reso-Lou-tions

Posted by Sweet Uncle Lou

Posted on December 31, 2007

LOU’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS:

Convince Kermit to finish the T79 before 2009.
Convince Jim to trade for Brian Roberts.
Move Soriano down in the lineup.
Win a fucking playoff game.
Kick Roger Clemens in his tiny, shriveled balls.
Convince Anita that I don’t need a diet, but rather that she needs lower standards.
Challenge Fukudome to hot dog eating competition. Win.
Hunt down and kill all of the Hall of Fame voters who aren’t voting for Santo and Dawson.
Create World of Warcraft character. Level up. Kill Schilling’s character.
Attend funeral of whatever Cardinal player dies this year.
Kick dirt.
Move Dempster to the rotation. The Cardinal rotation.
Clinch this shitty division by August.
Spray Hendry with cologne whenever he’s not looking.
Buy a crotchless Fukudome jersey. Whaddya mean, “Jerseys don’t have crotches”?

Happy New Year’s, jerkwads. Be safe. Be smart. Get a cab. This two-bit site can’t afford to lose any readers.

Cubs

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