New Year’s Reso-Lou-tions
LOU’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS:
- Convince Kermit to finish the T79 before 2009.
- Convince Jim to trade for Brian Roberts.
- Move Soriano down in the lineup.
- Win a fucking playoff game.
- Kick Roger Clemens in his tiny, shriveled balls.
- Convince Anita that I don’t need a diet, but rather that she needs lower standards.
- Challenge Fukudome to hot dog eating competition. Win.
- Hunt down and kill all of the Hall of Fame voters who aren’t voting for Santo and Dawson.
- Create World of Warcraft character. Level up. Kill Schilling’s character.
- Attend funeral of whatever Cardinal player dies this year.
- Kick dirt.
- Move Dempster to the rotation. The Cardinal rotation.
- Clinch this shitty division by August.
- Spray Hendry with cologne whenever he’s not looking.
- Buy a crotchless Fukudome jersey. Whaddya mean, “Jerseys don’t have crotches”?
Happy New Year’s, jerkwads. Be safe. Be smart. Get a cab. This two-bit site can’t afford to lose any readers.
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