I hope you jerks got your Christmas shopping done already, because the malls are going to be as packed as the seat of Jim Hendry’s pants this weekend. Me, I’m getting Anita the same thing I get her every year. I’m lying under the tree butt-ass naked with a bow on my junk.

Anyhow, here’s the Roundup:

• What in the hell is with the Chicago media writing articles about how Fucky is going to get booed? Jesus Christ. Look, it’s possible, you stupid jagoffs, that we might actually play well next year. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll really like Fucky.
• It looks like the team is going to get sold before the season starts. That’s great. We can come to work every day at Verizon Wireless Field. Or maybe not.
• I was shocked to find out that Dave Littlefield wasn’t already on the Cub payroll.
• The 2007 season recap by Paul Sullivan. It took him over two months, and that was the best he could do?
• Surprise. The Cubs didn’t fire one of their most-popular players of all time.
• Just when you think Jim Hendry does something brilliant by signing Fucky, it appears he may have only done so to lure So Taguchi to the team.
• Fucky says his old manager was fiery like I am. I don’t mind the irony “Sweet Lou,” but whose ass to you have to kick to get the nickname “Burning Hat”?
• Just shut. The fuck. Up.
• I love when sports journalists, who are employed in one of the most ethically loathsome professions possible, get righteous. Take Greg Couch, who says that we shouldn’t trade for Brian Roberts because he was named in the Mitchell Report. This article deserves its own treatment, but in case Kermit doesn’t have time because of the holidays, I’ll say two things. If you buy into Couch’s thinking, all of the guys named in the Mitchell Report are as good as banned from baseball for life, since Couch thinks winning should never come over sending a great moral message. Secondly, if there was a drug that Couch could inject into his ass that didn’t make him fucking suck at writing, you think he wouldn’t do it? At least Jim doesn’t appear to be listening to this hack’s advice.

That’s all for me until next week, kids. Have a safe and merry Christmas, and may all of your holiday- Ha ha ha! Ah, fuck. I almost made it through that. Don’t drive around drunk, you fucking lightweights.

-Sweet Uncle Lou