There isn’t a chance that the Muskrat can make it through this week’s mailbag without saying many stupid things. It’s about a Japanese player with a sexually suggestive name. COME ON! The Q&A is in quotes (Carrie’s answers in bold), as always, but this week I’m letting Lou crank out the responses. Lou’s comments are quote-free.

Japanese outfielder Kosuke Fukudome is THE hot topic in this week’s Cubs mailbag.

Now that Fukudome has signed with the Cubs, could you please post a phonetic pronunciation of his name? I read he had elbow surgery in August. What kind of impact will that have on his ability to play at the start of the season?
– Josh O., Fort Wayne, Ind.

Correct pronunciation is “KOH-skay foo-koo-DOUGH-may.” And, he had bone chips removed from his elbow, which is relatively minor surgery. He’s expected to be ready to go at the start of Spring Training.

Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. Come on! We all want to hear you say it. You know you want to say it. Let it fly! Koh-SUCK-ee fuk-yoo-doo-me!

With Fukudome on board, what do you expect the Cubs lineup to look like next year?
– Nathan R., Des Moines, Iowa

I’ll let manager Lou Piniella make the final call…

You’re goddamn right you’ll “let me” make the final call! I make all the final calls around here! And this call ain’t going to be like one of those sex chat calls where they sucker you in by saying it’s only 99 cents for the first five minutes, and then they jerk you around and ask pointless shit like your name for three of those minutes before they get to the good stuff. And you have to pay for the extra five minutes at $4.95 a minute because they’re terrible at talking you off, and you need the extra time. What the hell was the question?

…but here’s a possibility: LF Alfonso Soriano, SS Ryan Theriot, 1B Derrek Lee, 3B Aramis Ramirez, RF Kosuke Fukudome, 2B Mark DeRosa, C Geovany Soto, CF Felix Pie.

And here’s a possibility that wasn’t drawn up by a total retard: 2B Mark DeRosa, RF Kosuke Fukudome, 1B Derrek Lee, 3B Aramis Ramirez, LF Alfonso Soriano, C Geovany Soto, CF Felix Pie, SS Ryan Theriot.

What number will Fukudome wear (so I can order his jersey ASAP) and will he have his first or last name on the back of his uniform? We’ve seen guys like Ichiro Suzuki and others from Japan put their first name on the jersey in the past.
– George P., Arlington Heights, Ill.

Yeah, hurry up and get that Fukudome jersey right away. I’m sure they’ll be in limited supply. Limited to how fucking many the MLB can sell! And who are these “others from Japan” who put their first name on their jersey?

Fukudome was expected to come to Chicago this week, and when he holds up a Cubs jersey at his introductory news conference, we’ll know for sure what name and number. I’m guessing he’ll wear No. 1.

I’m still trying to convince him to hold up this jersey:

I enjoy the idea of bringing in Fukudome as much as anybody. However, I find it interesting how quickly the Cubs organization gives up on Matt Murton every offseason. Is there anything in particular the Cubs don’t like about Murton? Seems to me he has at least earned the opportunity to compete for the everyday right-field position.
– Christian M., Mt. Vernon, Ind.

We’re looking for something that Murton hasn’t shown us. What that is, is hard to define. Isn’t that how you answer these questions, Carrie? It’d be easier to just explain to poor Christian that, although Murton can hit, watching Murton play the outfield is like watching blind people fuck. I’ve done both, and I’ll be goddamned if I’m ever doing either again!

Fukudome was a key acquisition because the Cubs wanted a left-handed bat, someone with speed, a solid defender, and who had a high on-base percentage. Murton is more comfortable in left field, and is a right-handed hitter. If Fukudome is as good as advertised, you’ll understand why he was general manager Jim Hendry’s Plan 1, 2 and 3.

Bullshit. I saw Hendry’s “overseas” plans.

PLAN 1: Sign Kaz Matsui
PLAN 2: Sign that Jap that eats all the hot dogs
PLAN 3: Rent Seven Samurai

I had to fucking remind him that Fukudome was on the market thirty-seven goddamn times before he signed him!

Because Fukudome hasn’t had any prior Major League service, would he technically qualify for Rookie of the Year voting, or is there something in his prior baseball service that keeps him from qualifying? It’d be neat to see him win the award despite his age and experience.
– Mike C., Skokie, Ill.

Yes. And even though you have probably asked idiotic questions in many different versions of mangled English in the past, your question still qualifies as Most Idiotic, Poorly-Researched, and Ill-Informed Question of the Year. Congratulations, butthole.

He would qualify. In 2001, Ichiro won the American League Rookie of the Year Award, as well as the AL MVP Award. He was the first player to capture both since Fred Lynn in 1975. See the next question.

You’re answering questions with questions now? Or did you mean “See the next ANSWER”?

I know Fukudome has very good stats in Japan, but how have the other top-notch players from Japan fared in their first couple of seasons in the U.S. Major Leagues, most notably Hideki Matsui, Ichiro and the catcher for the Mariners? What were their numbers in Japan, and how did that translate into MLB production?
– Scott S., Orange City, Fla.

Sorry, Mike C. from Skokie. Your title run was brief. Congratulations, Scott S.! Since you have, apparently, never heard of the internet, you now have posed the worst question published in the 2007 Mailbag. Jesus, Carrie, these are the questions that got through? What questions did you reject?

Those three — the catcher is Kenji Johjima — have had smooth transitions, although their home run numbers have gone down. Ichiro led the Pacific League in Japan in batting average for a Japanese record seven consecutive seasons, and was a three-time league MVP. In his first season in the U.S. Major Leagues in 2001, he led the Majors in batting average (.350) and stolen bases (56), and set a club record with 242 hits, winning the AL Rookie of the Year Award and MVP. In 2004, he set a Major League single-season hit record with 262, and led the Majors with a .372 batting average. He’s collected at least 200 hits in each of his seven seasons in the U.S., and has a .333 average with the Mariners.

Matsui was a three-time Central League MVP in Japan (1996, 2000 and 2002), and a three-time home run and RBI champ there. In his first season in the U.S. with the Yankees, Matsui batted .287 with 16 homers and 106 RBIs and finished second in the Rookie of the Year voting. In five seasons in pinstripes, he has a .295 average with 103 homers, 462 RBIs and a .485 slugging percentage.

Johjima compiled a .299 average, 211 home runs and 699 RBIs in 11 seasons in Japan’s Pacific League. In his last five years there, he averaged .305, 30 homers and 87 RBIs. In two seasons with the Mariners, Johjima has hit .289 with 32 homers and 137 RBIs. He finished fourth in the Rookie of the Year voting in 2006, when he set an American League record for hits by a rookie catcher, with 147. He also was tied for first that year among all AL rookies with a .291 average, and led all AL rookies in homers (18), RBIs (76), multi-hit games, hits, total bases and extra-base hits.

Now I see why she answered it. No need to analyze, comment, or come close to anything which resembles a rational and/or unique baseball thought.

I am so happy the Cubs got Fukudome. As a person who is part Japanese and spent time in Japan, it has really been great to see the growth in Japanese pro ball and see many of the players in the Majors. Do you think Wrigley will start serving sushi, donburi (traditional rice bowls), udon (noodles that are great when the weather is cold outside)? All I can say to the organization is Domo Arigato Gozaimasu! Gunbatene Cubbies!
– Kyle G., San Francisco

I hate you so very much for every single part of that question. Which part of you is Japanese? The wang?

Not sure if they’ll be serving bento boxes in the bleachers, but you may see Japanese advertising at Wrigley Field. The Mariners, Yankees and Boston Red Sox added such signage after adding Ichiro, Matsui and Daisuke Matsuzaka to their respective rosters.

I’m serving get bento boxes, Kyle. Feel free to swing by the dugout after one of our games next year and say some shit to me in Japanese if you want one.

What type of defensive player is Fukudome? All of the reports I read say he’s one of Japan’s top outfielders, but all the stats I see are offensive ones.
– Todd P., Denver

That means he’s good. Also, are there any Cubs fans in, you know, CHICAGO writing in?

The Cubs scouts say he has an above-average arm and speed, and he won four Gold Gloves in Japan. He better be good — right field is the toughest to play at Wrigley because of the sun and wind…

Yeah, they don’t have those things elsewhere on planet Earth.

…and none of the ballparks I’ve seen in Japan were similar.

How many Japanese ballparks have you been to, Carrie? How many? Is it none? Is the answer none?

Now that the Cubs have Fukudome, what will the team do to help break him into MLB? Can Lou speak with him? Is there any way the Cubs would sign So Taguchi to help Fukudome in the bigs?
– John K., Orland Park, Ill.

So Taguchi? Are you fucking kidding me? How in the sweet fucking hell would So Taguchi help Fukudome? By teaching him not to bend over in the shower when Jim Edmonds is around? So Taguchi giving Fukudome tips about baseball would be like Ryan Dempster teaching Joe Nathan how to close ballgames.

Piniella said he spoke Spanish with Ichiro when they were together in Seattle.

Yes. Because ALL Japanese people must then, necessarily, speak Spanish! Brilliant!

The Cubs do plan on providing an interpreter if needed, and will do whatever they can to make him comfortable in Chicago. I don’t think adding another Japanese player is necessary.

I hope the interpreter has big tits. I’m just saying.

Are the Cubs going with Felix Pie as their Opening Day center fielder with Fukudome in right? Last year, Pie showed no ability to hit for average or get on base against all pitching, especially left-handed. Although he plays a stellar center field, is he really the answer this coming year? Did he progress in fall ball?
– Connor C., Wilmette, Ill.

That’s a good goddamn question which I’m certain will be met with a condescending and hollow answer.

The plan is for Pie to become more of a Kenny Lofton-type hitter. Gerald Perry, the Cubs hitting coach, has been to the Dominican Republic twice this winter to work with Pie and get him to bunt more, so he can take advantage of his speed. If Pie can make the adjustment, he could have a big impact on the lineup. This spring, it’ll be Pie and Sam Fuld competing for center field playing time.

That’s what I thought. Since Carrie didn’t answer your question, Connor, I will. Pie did, as you said, suck last year. He sucked even worse in fall ball. I’m terrified about penciling him in as the Opening Day center fielder, but right now his defense probably makes him the best option out there. I’m not giving up on him yet after only 177 MLB at-bats, but he’d better start showing some goddamn talent at the plate, or he’s history.

With Brian Roberts being mentioned in the Mitchell Report, will this make Baltimore more likely to trade him — or the Cubs more hesitant to pick him up?
– Trev P., Cedar Falls, Iowa

If it does, Jim is stupid.

The question now is whether the players implicated will be punished by Commissioner Bud Selig, who said that he’ll deal with individuals on a case-by-case basis.

Are you fucking kidding? Do you really think Selig is going to do ANYTHING about this unless Congress forces him to?

On Monday, Roberts released a statement admitting that he did use steroids once in 2003, but stopped because “I immediately realized that this was not what I stood for or anything I wanted to continue doing.”

Word on the street is he was sitting next to Pettitte and copied off his paper when he wasn’t looking.

Roberts said that he has never used steroids, human growth hormone or any other performance-enhancing drugs prior to or since that incident.

Since no one bothered asking me if I’ve used any performance-enhancing drugs, I’ll volunteer. I use crushed-up Viagra in a shot of Wild Turkey. Anita hasn’t complained ONCE.

With the Cubs non-tendering Mark Prior, is it still possible for them to re-sign him as a free agent? Prior still has tremendous potential and would be missed if his comeback is successful.
– Brian A., Oak Brook, Ill.

Yes, it’s possible. Prior now can negotiate with all 30 teams, including the Cubs.

It’s also possible that all those boyfriends who dumped you will suddenly realize how great you were in bed and come running back to you. So, yeah, I guess anything is “possible.”