If you were playing at home, the answer was a bunch of shitty players with a needle in the bathroom stall. Marvin Benard? Randy Velarde? Tim Laker? Gregg Zaun? Jerry Hairston, Jr.? Todd Pratt? Kent Mercker? These are the names we’ve been waiting over a year to read? Come on! That was the worst tease since every Jessica Alba movie ever. Show a nipple, for God’s sake! A nipple like Pujols. Something! I will say, though, that I made it about three quarters of the way through the Mitchell Report last night on the can, and it was well worth the numb legs to read Todd F. Hundley’s name on there. Hey, in Hundley’s defense, he was probably definitely drunk at the time he took them. Anyhow, it’s Roundup time:

• Fat Jim checks in on the Mitchell Report. Jim’s happy that none of his current players were named. I’m not. We hit 151 fucking home runs as a team last year. No one’s even TRYING to get stronger? Fuck this team. Get Brian Roberts. I don’t care whose toes you step on to do it. At least Roberts gives a shit.
• The Muskrat does the wise thing and interviews the one guy on the Cubs whom you KNOW didn’t take steroids, Ryan Theriot. In the article, Hendry comments, “I haven’t had time to get into the report at any extensive length or digest it.” I don’t know how many times I need to explain this. YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT EVERYTHING THAT IS PUT ON YOUR DESK, JIM!
• I guess Curt Schilling was able to flip through the report and confirm his name wasn’t on it a lot faster than the rest of us were, since he’s already running his fucking mouth about it. Hey, Curt? You’re a fat, arrogant dipshit who plays for the most loathsome team in baseball in front of the most loathsome, self-absorbed (and, quite frankly, fucking disturbed) fans in all of sports. And your blog is queer. How about you just shut the fuck up and pitch? We care about your opinion as much as we care about the opinions of Susan Sarandon and the Dixie Chicks. That is to say, we don’t. You see, Curt, we’re actually smart enough to make up our own fucking minds, and don’t need to be told what to think by celebrities. Especially not ones from Alaska. I’m on to you, mountain man.
• Now that Jim has 85 second basemen on the roster, he’s apparently trying to pile up closers. I tried to ask him why he was after Joe Nathan, since it makes no sense to me. Unfortunately, he couldn’t answer, as he had pages 123-184 of the Mitchell Report crammed in his craw at the time.
• Shockingly, it looks like Jim actually put his best foot forward in trying to get a deal done with Mark Prior. I can’t blame Jim for not wanting to offer more than he did. I can, however, blame him for the cupcakes that went missing from my office last week. THOSE WERE FOR PEARL HARBOR DAY, FAT ASS!
• Looks like the Astros have shown interest in Prior. I really hope an American League team (or at least a team outside the NL Central) gets in on the bidding. Prior scares me on any team but the Reds.
• Governor Blagojevich has a plan. If those five words don’t scare you enough, what if I tell you that the plan involves selling Wrigley Field for a dollar? Fortunately, there’s nothing more pressing troubling Blagojevich right now, so he has time to concoct these helmet-hair-brained schemes.
• I know you guys heard some rumors that we were interested in a left-handed pitcher who played for a team in the Midwest last season. I know some of you were pretty excited that the Cubs were mentioned in talks for this guy. Well, you’re in luck. Behold!
• Some idiot is already worried that the fans might boo K-Fuck. Christ, what is wrong with this fanbase? I’ve seen fewer fatalists on death row. To ease this guy’s mind, it’s obvious K-Fuck won’t get booed for two reasons: (1) he doesn’t suck, and (2) he’s not black. Feel better?
• And, finally, scientists have at long last discovered why I have three kids.

Well, kids, it’s time for my weekly lesson on how to pronounce “Fukudome” without insulting the little Jap. Have a great weekend!

-Sweet Uncle Lou