Just when you think there’s nothing left to write, The Muskrat does everyone a favor and breaks out the old mailbag. Her Q&A is in quotes with my comments interspersed.

Why does GM Jim Hendry constantly wait to make deals at the last minute? Brian Roberts would be an unbelievable acquisition for this team, but if Hendry is going to wait until February to do anything, he’ll be gone.
– Seth A., Iowa City, Iowa

Why? What is going to happen to Roberts in February? Did you just threaten Brian Roberts’ life?

Seth, it takes two to make a deal. A year ago, Baltimore owner Peter Angelos blocked a trade that involved Roberts. This isn’t as simple as walking into a store and picking an item off the shelf.

That’s because you get chased by wild dogs every time you go to the store, Carrie. That would make the trip from the parking lot to the front door difficult for anyone. Once in the store, people hurl canned foods and hurtful words at you. It certainly doesn’t help that the store puts the laxatives way up on the top shelf.

Why are the Cubs so pressed to find a second baseman? DeRosa had a good year and was promised to be stationary at second base when he signed. I think his versatility is a huge plus, and I like the idea of acquiring Roberts if possible, but what about Eric Patterson? He’s 24, plays second, hit .297 last season and can steal a base. Oh, yes, he bats left-handed.
– Drew B., Beardstown, Ill.

Did you just orgasm at the end of that paragraph? Is this Jim Hendry? If so, Beardstown is the most made up town name I’ve ever heard.

There’s nothing wrong with DeRosa. The only “problem” is that he’s so versatile. The Cubs consider that a positive, and are trying to take advantage of it. DeRosa will get his at-bats, but he may find himself playing first, second, third and right field.

He’s going to have to cover a hell of a lot of ground.

As for Patterson, he needs a little more time.

For what, exactly? He’s 24 years old. We’re getting awful close to “put up or shut up” time.

All the stories on the Cubs site make it sound like the outfielder from Japan will be ours if he decides to come here. ESPN reports that several other teams are interested in him as well. Would the Cubs get into a bidding war for his services?
– Bob E., Leander, Texas

“The outfielder from Japan will be ours”? Holy shit, are you some kind of supervillain? Also, what makes you think the Cubs need to have other teams involved to get into a bidding war? The Cubs have been in bidding wars over the following players: Neifi Perez, Jacque Jones, and Glendon Rusch. Not a single one of the other 29 teams in the MLB had any interest in those three guys, yet Hendry overpaid for all of them.

At least four teams — the Cubs, White Sox, Padres and Giants — are interested in Fukudome, and there may be more. According to reports out of Japan, Fukudome wants to come to America, and has told the Yomiuri Giants he will be playing in the U.S. Major Leagues. There should be more news this week.

Do us a favor and don’t write anything until then.

I understand the need for a left-handed-hitting right fielder, but the Cubs already have someone in house to fill this spot, Pagan. From what I’ve seen, he is very solid defensively and has the speed to help Felix Pie in the outfield. Also, he could be a quality offensive player, because he’s a switch-hitter — if given the opportunity to play every day. Why isn’t this option being explored?
– Joe B., Coal City, Ill.

Because Angel Pagan sucks so hard he made his anus bleed last season.

Pagan has not been able to play more than 77 games in the last two seasons because of injuries. He has to show he can stay healthy.

That too.

Why can’t the Cubs give Mark Prior a one-year contract? If he comes back and is doing well around the trade deadline, they can try to extend his contract then. If he refuses a contract extension, then deal him at that time, and at least he’s built up some value. They have a guy who could be a legitimate ace.
– John S., Cleveland

Good question. It would be just like Jim Hendry to give a guy the Cubs already have under contract a one-year contract.

Prior was paid $3.5 million in 2007. If the Cubs offer arbitration, the minimum pay cut he would take would be 20 percent, according to the MLB Players Association rules. You’re assuming he will have pitched enough by July 31, the trading deadline, to justify an extension. What if he hasn’t?

Then the Cubs will have wasted–GASP–a tiny portion of their bloated payroll. Of all of the idiotic times Hendry has chosen to give up on a player, giving up on Prior at this point would be the most foolish. Can we please just see what the hell happens?

With Prior in trade talks, I compared his stats before his first surgery and Chris Carpenter’s stats before his first Tommy John elbow surgery. The numbers are very similar. Being that this is Prior’s first actual arm surgery, and after seeing Carpenter come back and win a World Series and a Cy Young Award (I know he was hurt last year), maybe they shouldn’t try to deal him just yet. I think the upside on Prior is too high, and I would hate to see another Lou Brock trade.
– Travis H., Chatham, Ill.

I like your style, Travis.

You cannot compare Prior’s surgery with Carpenter’s, or any other pitcher’s.

So it is spoken, and so it must be done.

Prior’s procedure involved his shoulder; Carpenter’s was on his elbow.

You see, Travis? That means there is NO WAY Mark Prior will recover from his surgery. Ever.

The trade interest in Prior has been more rumor than fact. Teams are cautious because they don’t know when he’ll return.

Good. If Hendry has to be forced into keeping Prior, so be it.

What was the point of trading Jacque Jones for Omar Infante and immediately dealing Infante? It seems like we got nothing out of Jones, and with his second-half numbers, it seems we could have done a lot better. If anything, he could be a great backup to have. What were the Cubs thinking?
– Josh S., Schaumburg, Ill.

Getting rid of Jones with absolutely no replacement plan in place was a boneheaded move. Jim Hendry is a bonehead. Does that help?

The Cubs had every intention of keeping Infante when they traded for him.

That’s fucking disturbing.

Things change.

Thank God.

His acquisition gave Hendry more inventory, and allowed him to make the deal with the Braves for Jose Ascanio.

If Hendry really wanted Ascanio, wouldn’t Ronny Cedeno have gotten that deal done as well as Infante did? In fact, doesn’t Cedeno have more upside than Infante? In truth, the Ascanio deal seemed more about getting two useless players off the roster to clear up space for Fukudome (PLEASE) than anything else.

Why is there all this focus on finding a lefty to balance the lineup? If I’m not mistaken, the Cubs were a much better team against right-handed pitching, and they couldn’t do anything against left-handed pitching. Wouldn’t a right-handed bat that could hit make more sense?
– Patrick M., Tallahassee, Fla.

Either Cubs fans are getting smarter, or The Muskrat is picking better questions.

Look at it from the point of view of the opposing pitcher. If the lineup is all right-handed, he can easily get into a groove with his pitches. Now, if the lineup is right-left-right-left, the pitcher has to think a little more and maybe make a mistake. For the record, the Cubs hit .263 (366-for-1,391) against lefties last season, and .274 (1,164-for-4,252) against right-handers.

That is one of the stupidest arguments I’ve ever heard. So, the Cubs are going to sign Geoff Jenkins in the hope that maybe some pitcher might make a mistake because of his sinister backwards bat being in the lineup? You know how I hope opposing pitchers think next year? “Damnit. Fukudome and Roberts both reached, and now I have to face Lee, Ramirez, and Soriano. A base hit scores a run easily, and Roberts might go first-to-third. If I put Lee on, I have nowhere to put Ramirez. Even if I get a double play ball here, I still have a guy on third with the Cubs’ most dangerous hitter at the plate.” That seems a bit more distracting than, “Gee. If I don’t get Soriano here, I have to face that octogenarian Geoff Jenkins, followed by Ryan Theriot and then Angel Pagan.”

Will Ryne Sandberg manage in Peoria in 2008?
– Jim P., Pleasant Prairie, Wis.

The Cubs are expected to make an announcement either this week or next regarding the Minor League teams and coaching staffs. I’ve heard hints that Sandberg will be back.

Just hints? They should really consider getting you a press pass if you’re going to continue on this career path.

What effect, if any, will the recent renovation of the playing surface at Wrigley Field and the lowering of the field have on the team? How will this affect offensive production?
– Paul R., Channahon, Ill.

The drones at BCB will have a whole season to talk about the beauty and majesty of the lower field and how it affects the sightlines from the left-field bleachers.

I’m not sure about offensive production, but the hope is that it will reduce the leg injuries, because the surface is no longer uneven. In addition, Alfonso Soriano was happy to see the outfield warning track widened by three feet. This will give him more of a heads-up regarding the brick wall.

That’s great. When Soriano does that ridiculous hop while catching a routine flyball, he’ll have less of a chance of turning his ankle when he comes down. If only the warning track was bigger last year. Maybe Sam Fuld wouldn’t be considered “untradeable” because of one catch.