Hire Jim Essian

LOU'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS: Convince Kermit to finish the T79 before 2009. Convince Jim to trade for Brian Roberts. Move Soriano down in the lineup. Win a fucking playoff game. Kick Roger Clemens in his tiny, shriveled balls. Convince Anita that I don't need a diet, but rather that she needs lower standards. Challenge Fukudome to hot dog eating competition. Win. Hunt down and kill all of ... Read More

Oops. Due to a technical difficulty, the Friday Night Fukudome didn't go up yesterday. So here's your Saturday Afternoon Fukudome. As you know, I hate Ryan Dempster. A lot of you hate Jason Marquis as much or more as I hate Dempster, and I respect and admire that. I am under the impression that there ... Read More

It's almost here, folks. The 100-year anniversary of the last time this bunch of losers won a World Series. Even if they win it this year, they've already clinched having gone 100 years without having won one. Yikes. Anyhow, this has been a slow week, so here's a slow, boring Roundup. That's what you get. Now ... Read More

Since there's absolutely nothing going on in the baseball world, Kermit has convinced me that I should once again do a Q&A with you. I requested a T&A, but Kermit just laughed. Pansy. So, if you want to send a question to me about the team, the offseason, baseball, life, your sexual inefficiencies, or some T&A I'll ... Read More

The past week or so may have been the most baseball week I can remember in a long time. Excluding October of 2005 or October of 2006, of course, when everyone in baseball went on vacation. Since I'm bored as hell and no one seems to be at work this week, I guess now is as good a ... Read More

For Christmas, Lou and I went ahead and got you the greatest baseball post of all time. ... Read More

It's a special Christmas version of the Friday Night Fukudome! Paul Sullivan mentioned in his 2007 season recap that Sweet Lou "mellowed" over the course of the year. He's also watched his team "miss out" on Kaz Matsui while making one of the best free agent signings of the offseason. Santa Claus, on the other hand, has ... Read More

I hope you jerks got your Christmas shopping done already, because the malls are going to be as packed as the seat of Jim Hendry's pants this weekend. Me, I'm getting Anita the same thing I get her every year. I'm lying under the tree butt-ass naked with a bow on my junk. Anyhow, here's the Roundup: What in the ... Read More

Why in the sweet merciful hell are some Cubs fans so quick to trade Rich Hill this offseason? Yes, we all laughed at Jim Hendry when, in 2005, he declared the 25-year-old Hill "untouchable." Yes, we're all pissed off that Rich wet the bed in the playoffs (but who the fuck didn't?). Yes, he went to Michigan, ... Read More

There isn't a chance that the Muskrat can make it through this week's mailbag without saying many stupid things. It's about a Japanese player with a sexually suggestive name. COME ON! The Q&A is in quotes (Carrie's answers in bold), as always, but this week I'm letting Lou crank out the responses. Lou's comments are quote-free. Japanese ... Read More