With the Winter Meetings right around the corner, Carrie Muskat has written a “Winter Meetings Checklist” for the Cubs. She failed, however, to publish Jim Hendry’s Winter Meetings Checklist. HJE was lucky enough to get a copy of the KFC napkin on which Hendry’s plans were written:

1. Sign a middle infielder (Cintron?)
2. Explain to opposing GMs why Dempster and Marquis are such shitty players and bad teammates
3. Try to trade Dempster and Marquis (need a middle infielder?)
4. Candlelit dinner with Neifi
5. Sign a second baseman (Kazuo!)
6. Teabag Kenny Williams while he’s sleeping (too racist?)
7. Take verbal abuse from Lou
8. Try to figure out why everyone keeps saying, “Fuck you. Do me.” (pack leather pants?)
9. See if Nashville Subway is still willing to put a fried egg on a meatball hero
10. Memorize this phrase: “Hey, at least I’m not Doug Melvin!” (Kendall, HA!)
11. Buy and wear new LaRussa jersey
12. Sign a shortstop (Rich Aurilia?)
13. Get “UNTRADEABLE” tattooed on Rich Hill Dick Hill my dick
14. Pay down tab we have with Dr. Andrews
15. Find out what’s cooking on this “hot stove” I keep hearing about (gumbo?)
16. Start Mark Prior character assassination campaign (felcher?)
17. Convince Reds to extend Dusty’s contract (toothpick incentives?)
18. Bust her ole knee (ha ha ha! witty!)