Well, well, well. It looks like everyone’s getting busted for being a bunch of lying cheats except for good old Uncle Lou. How are people getting caught? All you guys need to know are a few catch phrases:
“It’s not lipstick. It’s blood.”
“I asked the kids to do it.”
“No, you look great.”
“It was like that when I got here.”
“I don’t know why there would be a charge on my credit card from ‘Heavenly Bodies.’”
“Hazel.”
Anyhow, here’s the Roundup on a boring, cold Friday in Chicago:
- In case you haven’t heard, Barroid was indicted on counts of perjury and obstruction of justice. They were going to bring more charges, but they couldn’t think of a cool-sounding legal term for “being a giant cockbag.”
- Meanwhile, everything you’ve heard about the timing of the sale of the Cubs is a lie.
- Those rumors about Alex-R leaving the Yankees? Lies.
- No wonder Alex-R gets along with his boyfriend so well. He’s a liar, too.
- The rumors that the Brewers would be highly competitive in the NL Central next year? More lies. As were the rumors that the Pirates wouldn’t be competitive.
- Everyone saying Sam Fuld is a diabetic little midget who couldn’t hit his way out of a wet paper bag? Liars.
- The rumors that Harry Caray is dead? Just rumors. He’ll always be around.
- The idea that all Colorado Rockies fans don’t know baseball? False.
- And, finally, the idea that there is nothing worse than getting caught is a big fat lie.
So, there you have it, kids. Uncle Lou is the only one giving you the straight shit. You’re welcome.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
