I saw on a different blog (I can’t remember which, and I’m too lazy to look) a writer making up their own answers to the questions asked in the Cubs Mailbag. That’s fun. You know what’s more fun, though? Making up questions for The Muskrat’s answers.

Carrie, wouldn’t it be hilarious if the Cubs traded Mark Prior to the Reds? He’d be all, “Here we go again!” and shrug his shoulders. Then the screen would shrink around him into a little circle, and a tuba would make that “waa waaaaa” sound.

They would like to keep Prior, but what complicates matters is that the right-hander will be a free agent after the 2008 season.

Hey, Carrie, can you demonstrate an improper use of an em dash?

Let’s say the Cubs sign him for next year, and he isn’t able to pitch until August — and then choses free agency and leaves for another team.

If the Cubs have a pitcher who gets paid for four months of work, and then they subtract from his pay two months of work, what does that mean?

That means the Cubs would’ve paid him for two months of work.

Can you sum up Mark Prior’s season in 11 words and 2 numbers?

He received $3.575 million in 2007 and didn’t make one big league start.

What is your idea of a perfect world?

The Cubs have invested a lot of money in the right-hander, and in a perfect world, a two-year deal with incentives through 2009 would make more sense.

I can’t think of a good question, can you come up with one for me?

The question becomes whether Prior will accept that.

Good one. Will Prior accept that?

…

What do you think you’ve learned from watching ESPN?

I do know [Alex] Rodriguez played shortstop.

If the Cubs roster were a person, which position would best represent that person’s asshole? Please try not to use the word “asshole” in your answer.

I don’t think shortstop is the “biggest hole” the Cubs have.

How many home runs and RBIs do you think Ryan Theriot would have if he played baseball for 60 years?

Ryan Theriot may never hit 50 homers or drive in 150 runs.

What if he played for 60 years against girls?

Ryan Theriot may never hit 50 homers or drive in 150 runs.

What if the girls were blind and weren’t allowed to actually be on the field at the time of the game?

Ryan Theriot may never hit 50 homers or drive in 150 runs.

Okay, now cover your right eye and read the smallest line you can see clearly.

Bottom line: the Cubs are not likely to pursue A-Rod because of the money he and his agent, Scott Boras, will ask for.

Very good. What would you say if you woke up in the middle of the night one time, and Jason Kendall was in your kitchen taking a bath in your sink?

As far as experience, handling pitchers and being a smart ballplayer, Kendall is one of the best. He can do the little things.

What would you tell the cops after they showed up?

The downside is he threw out two of 51 basestealers. If the season opened tomorrow, Soto would be the Cubs’ starting catcher. He does need tutoring, and Kendall, a free agent, has to decide if he wants a backup role.

I hear Trammell has the worst farts on the coaching staff. Can you confirm that?

Yes, I whiffed.

You know, you look a lot like a school marm.

Thanks to others who pointed this out.

The other day, I bumped into Chuck W. and Ed Hartig, and they called you a “stupid bitch.” What was that all about?

I misread the question, and thought Chuck W. wanted to know who managed the team to the playoffs in consecutive seasons. I will defer to Cubs historian Ed Hartig from now on.

When are you going to reveal that you’re an alien?

I expect an announcement soon.

I sure hope the Cubs are able to get some more bands into Wrigley Field. I’d really like to watch John Mayer from the Bartman seat, just so I can know how it feels to go blind with rage. What are the Cubs doing to make that happen?

The outfield was re-sodded for the National League Division Series, but the Cubs have been evaluating how to improve the playing surface.

What would happen if I stuck a quarter in you and said, “Mark Cuban”?

Cuban has expressed an interest in buying the Cubs, but I’m not going to handicap who has the best chance.

Can I have my quarter back?

…

Has Jim Hendry ever considered getting together a “MLB General Managers” softball team? I bet Billy Beane would love to rocket a line drive off Hendry’s skull.

MLB owners will meet in Chicago in November, and there could be some discussion at that time about the team.

Can you please say a lot about Hiroki Kuroda without really telling me anything about the Cubs’ chances of signing him?

The Cubs did scout Kuroda, 32, and saw the right-hander pitch several times. An 11-year Japanese league veteran, Kuroda opted not to come to the U.S. last year. It might have been because his father was battling cancer. Kuroda also had bone chips removed from his elbow. The Cubs are always looking to improve their pitching, but I’m not sure if the team will get involved in the bidding. The Cubs would not have to pay a posting fee, such as the Red Sox did to get Daisuke Matsuzaka. This year, Kuroda was 12-8 with a 3.56 ERA in 26 games, including seven complete games.

Thanks, Carrie!