Itís not gonna happen.Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox on reaching the World Series for the second time in the last four seasons! We here at HJE couldn’t be happier for “The Nation”! From Bill Simmons to Ben Affleck, there are few fans more deserving of another trip to the World Series than those fans who paak theya caas outside the yaad to see their beloved Red Sox play in the most historic park in baseball!

As a symbol of our congratulations and goodwill toward The Nation, we present to you a gift: this douchebag and his catch phrase.

His name is John Murray. He has the name and the look of just the sort of wanna-be Irish asshole who would hang out at Fenway Park and bitch about the great tragedy of Mo Vaughn only winning one MVP award for each metric ton of fat he carried.

As an added bonus, Murray already used the Red Sox colors and font in designing his brilliant and grammatically-sound baseball shirts! In fact, I’m guessing he was already at Fenway during the Red Sox’s historic 2004 run, so he shouldn’t have a hard time figuring out the best way to get on TV and holding up his signs during the World Series.

In case you were wondering, no, those aren’t the same shirts he was trying to hock back in 2004. They couldn’t be. He’s a die-hard Cubs fan! They also aren’t the same shirts he was trying to sell at the Chicago Marathon, nor are they the ones he’s selling to promote bringing the Olympics to the city of Chicago. Why would you even ask such silly questions? I can assure you, when I met Mr. Murray and asked him those very same questions, his friend reassured me that such was not the case, and enforced that point by threatening me with physical violence!

Oh, and don’t mind the sunken chest and the twig-like arms. The shirts look a lot better on some people.Itís gonna happen, but not with you.

Just in case you reject Mr. Murray’s lame merchandise and call him a money-grubbing douchebag like I did when I met him once at a bar, fear not. Old John’s phrase has SO MANY MEANINGS! From his website (horrendous grammar is his, not mine):

It’s Gonna Happen is promising and optimistic. It’s not just a phrase, but a philosophy.

Part of the human condition is to overcome obstacles in order to achieve success. After choosing what is most important to us and what will bring us happiness, we have a responsibility to passionately fight through these obstacles and problems to fulfill our goals.

As difficult as the circumstances may seem, we must say It’s Gonna Happen, believe It’s Gonna Happen, and achieve with It’s Gonna Happen.

It’s Gonna Happen is about achieving your goal.

It can be one person’s individual effort, or groups of people banding together to believe in and accomplish one victory, one great success.

Whatever the cause, cure or effort required, It’s Gonna Happen.

Whether your goal is financial, emotional, physical or spiritual, It’s Gonna Happen.

When you see it, read it, say it, hear it, believe it… It’s Gonna Happen!!!


You see? His “it” is not just a marketing gimmick. IT’S a way of living! IT’S a philosophy! Shove your rationalism up your ass, Descartes! IT’S gonna happen!

If, Nation, you can’t find it in your hearts to welcome in Mr. Murray and his (Red Sox) font of optimism, please feel free to ship him back to us for the 2008 season. I will forward you a self-addressed container.It happened.