As a Token of Our Goodwill We Present You a Gift: This Douchebag


Itís not gonna happen.Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox on reaching the World Series for the second time in the last four seasons! We here at HJE couldn’t be happier for “The Nation”! From Bill Simmons to Ben Affleck, there are few fans more deserving of another trip to the World Series than those fans who paak theya caas outside the yaad to see their beloved Red Sox play in the most historic park in baseball!

As a symbol of our congratulations and goodwill toward The Nation, we present to you a gift: this douchebag and his catch phrase.

His name is John Murray. He has the name and the look of just the sort of wanna-be Irish asshole who would hang out at Fenway Park and bitch about the great tragedy of Mo Vaughn only winning one MVP award for each metric ton of fat he carried.

As an added bonus, Murray already used the Red Sox colors and font in designing his brilliant and grammatically-sound baseball shirts! In fact, I’m guessing he was already at Fenway during the Red Sox’s historic 2004 run, so he shouldn’t have a hard time figuring out the best way to get on TV and holding up his signs during the World Series.

In case you were wondering, no, those aren’t the same shirts he was trying to hock back in 2004. They couldn’t be. He’s a die-hard Cubs fan! They also aren’t the same shirts he was trying to sell at the Chicago Marathon, nor are they the ones he’s selling to promote bringing the Olympics to the city of Chicago. Why would you even ask such silly questions? I can assure you, when I met Mr. Murray and asked him those very same questions, his friend reassured me that such was not the case, and enforced that point by threatening me with physical violence!

Oh, and don’t mind the sunken chest and the twig-like arms. The shirts look a lot better on some people.Itís gonna happen, but not with you.

Just in case you reject Mr. Murray’s lame merchandise and call him a money-grubbing douchebag like I did when I met him once at a bar, fear not. Old John’s phrase has SO MANY MEANINGS! From his website (horrendous grammar is his, not mine):

It’s Gonna Happen is promising and optimistic. It’s not just a phrase, but a philosophy.

Part of the human condition is to overcome obstacles in order to achieve success. After choosing what is most important to us and what will bring us happiness, we have a responsibility to passionately fight through these obstacles and problems to fulfill our goals.

As difficult as the circumstances may seem, we must say It’s Gonna Happen, believe It’s Gonna Happen, and achieve with It’s Gonna Happen.

It’s Gonna Happen is about achieving your goal.

It can be one person’s individual effort, or groups of people banding together to believe in and accomplish one victory, one great success.

Whatever the cause, cure or effort required, It’s Gonna Happen.

Whether your goal is financial, emotional, physical or spiritual, It’s Gonna Happen.

When you see it, read it, say it, hear it, believe it… It’s Gonna Happen!!!

WHAT’S YOUR IT?

You see? His “it” is not just a marketing gimmick. IT’S a way of living! IT’S a philosophy! Shove your rationalism up your ass, Descartes! IT’S gonna happen!

If, Nation, you can’t find it in your hearts to welcome in Mr. Murray and his (Red Sox) font of optimism, please feel free to ship him back to us for the 2008 season. I will forward you a self-addressed container.It happened.

  • a!

    mo vaughn won 3 mvp awards?

  • http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

    Nice.

  • http://www.flotsam-media.com EG

    Bill Simmons probably had a really good day yesterday. That ruins my day.

  • Ty Griffin

    I am certain that J-Bug and Hench are pround owners of this shirt. Also, Bill Simmons has probably used it as a jizz rag in lieu of his usual Tom Brady jersey.

  • Jiraiya

    Sorry to nitpick at an otherwise good post, but the first paragraph clearly has some errors. Where you wrote “paak theya caas outside the yaad to see their beloved Red Sox play in the most historic park in baseball!”, it clearly should have been “pahk theyah cahs outside the yahd to see theyah beloved Red Sawks play…”. Friggin’ annoying Bostonites. Denny Crane and company are just about the only things I like about the damn city at this point.

    And is it just me or does that chick look just a LITTLE bit pregnant?

    And I’ve got to say, Chicagoans can be just as annoying and idiotic with our stupid catchphrases. Need I mention “In Dusty We Trusty” or any of the variations on “Wait Till Next Year”, or all the stupid goat-related logos that assholes have been trying to sell outside Wrigley for as long as I can remember? Much less the ever-so-clever “Cubs Suck” shirts or “White Sux” logos. In our favor, as far as I know, none of us have tried to mass market things like that into a slogan for life, though I could be wrong about that.

  • AB

    Catch phrases have no place in baseball

    “In Dusty we Trusty” was completely illogical if you even watched a single series in the 2003 season. It should have been “Dusty Don’t Busty”

    Anyways, thank the 2005 White Sox PR Department for this WWF-like catch-phrase trend. Even with the World Series championship, they apparently still needed some kind of low-brow, simian appeal to install pride in their fanbase.

  • Ned Ryerson

    A way of life? So this guy is like the Red Sox version of Stuart Smalley? Actually, you can kind of see a resemblance…

    http://www.seanet.com/~rod/images/StuartSmalley.jpg

  • Ryan Beariot

    if we’re hating on boston, as all good and normal people do in this world, wander over to kissing suzy kolber, specifically http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/10/ksk-guide-to-being-insufferable-hole-s.html

    nothing beats seeing everything you’ve ever wanted articulated in a single easy to reference post.

    and ty, i dont think simmons can use brady’s jersey as a jizz rag, as brady is still wearing it while simmons blows him.

  • http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

    I saw that, Ryan. That’s an awesome post.

  • Fork

    dude, solid effort.

    Except for paak and park in the same sentence.

    And, as I stated elsewhere, every time someone says “Red Sox Nation”, an angel gets kicked in the nads.

  • http://www.tampaforums.com Vapor

    I thought “Its Gonna Happen” was the perfect slogan/rally cry for the Cubs. It’s really all things to all Cubs fans.

    Cubs win! Its Gonna Happen
    Cubs lose. Its Gonna Happen
    Cubs get everyone’s hopes up only to be swept out of the playoffs unceremoniously like a dead cock roach. Yeap, Its Gonna Happen.

    It was the perfect slogan for the Cubs, because it was the one slogan that predicted greatness that came with an out clause

  • Pj

    I like how when you click on the link to post on his site, under the rules it says, “Don’t refer to an event that happened 12 years ago……”

  • http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

    Oh, I am immediately going there and referring to that event.

  • http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

    I just submitted “I am going to get my face punched by Randy Myers.”

    I doubt it’ll get accepted.

  • http://hirejimessian.com Bad Kermit

    Also, that is the worst-designed website ever. The submission box for your “it” overlaps the sidebar. What a piece of crap.

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