Welcome to the first Roundup of the offseason, jerkbags. Have you gotten over the fact that I pulled Zambrano 85 pitches into Game One? He’s going to be pretty goddamn rested for Opening Day next year, and then you won’t be bitching.

• How the hell does Rothschild still have a job? Seriously. I guess I should ask Commissioner Gordon. Rothschild is a great pitching coach when he has great pitching, and a terrible pitching coach when there is any sort of adversity whatsoever. Brilliant.
• Here’s a vague, ass-kissing season in review by the Muskrat.
• How are you celebrating Carlos Zambrano Day? If you answered “by getting drunk and making clumsy advances toward my wife,” you’re in good company!
• If Steve Stone ends up being my boss, maybe I will take that completely-fabricated Yankees offer.
• Kermit should see if he can get this Miles kid to write for HJE. He’s the only member of the Chicago media that appears to be watching the games.
• If you’re looking to buy Kermit a Christmas present, look no further.
• You, know, Cincinnati, just when I think you couldn’t possibly get any dumber, you go and do something like this. What? That’s it. That’s the whole quote. Stop looking at me expectantly.
• Everyone seems to hate the National League Expansion Series. I agree, but I still have to say it is nothing short of amazing what the Rockies are doing right now. With Josh Fogg! Josh Fogg, for God’s sake!
• It looks like we’re not going to have to sign or trade for thirty catchers next year. I think we have our guy.
• Jim Caple takes time out from sewing together his human skin suit to make a good point about how quickly his idiotic colleagues jump up to blame a manager. If I weren’t so lazy, I would go find the hundreds of times Caple has done exactly that. But I’m lazy.
• Pop Quiz: The first priority of Commissioner Gordon’s offseason is to:

  (a.) sign Alex Rodriguez.
  (b.) sign one of the available free agent center fielders.
  (c.) figure out the back end of the pitching rotation.
  (d.) upgrade at shortstop.
  (e.) sign “Captain Intangibles” Jacque Jones.

• If there has been one good thing about this postseason, it’s that now everyone in the world shares our hatred for Chip Caray.
• Paul Sullivan wastes time and ink pondering on the impossible. He should have just written an article called, “Would you rather do a unicorn in a ditch or a dragon underwater?”
• Holy shit! We finally get a home game on Opening Day. Nice that they scheduled Yost and his Mongoloids from the north for the opening series. I want my guys to have a chance to face Turnbow a few times before he slits his wrists with shards of his frozen emo tears.
• I can live without Floyd, but God help you if you don’t bring back Wood, Hendry.

Well, that’s it for me, kids. I’m going to spend the weekend avoiding baseball by drinking until I can’t see. Enjoy football season.

-Sweet Uncle Lou