Christ, it’s hot out here in Arizona. Rothschild has put so much Gold Bond between his legs, you could use the runoff to wallpaper your living room. It ain’t bothering me, though. I hired a couple girls to follow me around and blow on me wherever I go. Yeah, it was a bit of a misunderstanding. Yeah, I was wondering why the price quote was so low, too. Anyhow, it’s the postseason, and I’m sure you’re sitting at work doing nothing but getting nervous and wanting to read a bunch of shit about the team. Well, here you go.

• Want to piss off your White Sox fan friends who turned to you at the end of the 2005 postseason and said, “Don’t feel bad. Someday, it’ll happen for you guys”? Well, here you go.
• Here’s a tip. On the way home from work, stop by your local liquor store. The one I frequent has a sign out front that says, “LIQUOR IN THE FRONT, POKER IN THE REAR.” Pick yourself up a case or two or three of Old Style. At 9:00, flip on the game and play this drinking game. Trammell and I are going to do it in the dugout unless Rothschild squeals on us to fatty Hendry.
• DeRosa thinks that just because I can blog, everyone can blog. Typical that a bunch of dames read his “Oh! I’m not nervous! I’m too busy being handsome, saying the right things, not shaving, endearing myself to the city of Chicago, and kicking ass at baseball!” crap instead of mine.
• It only took Paul Sullivan a year to figure out what I’m saying, so he decided to make a cute little dictionary with my little phrases in it. That’s weird, because it only took me five minutes to figure out that I didn’t give a fuck what Paul Sullivan was saying.
• Favorites? Underdogs? This team doesn’t give a rat’s ass. They just want to go out and beat someone.
• Seattle still loves me enough to pick us to beat the Red Sox in the World Series. Would there be anything better than to put a World Series trophy in Bill Murray’s hands while Ben Affleck weeps bitterly?
• Kermit has told me that the atmosphere around Wrigley Field during the playoffs is absolutely electrifying. If you’re looking for a place to watch the game tonight, head down to Wrigleyville. But watch out for the corn hole, okay?
• If Alfonso Soriano stays red-hot, so should the rest of us, right?
• I’m shocked. SHOCKED that an article listing “good” reasons to watch the postseason would mention the word “curse” in it. I’ll give you three more good reasons: no White Sox, no Cardinals, and no Dusty Fucking Baker.

Gang, it’s time to get ready for this game tonight. I barely slept a wink. After those years in Tampa, I almost forgot what it’s like to be in big games. I’m sure it’ll come back to me around 9:00 tonight. Let’s win eleven more of this things before my first season ends.

-Sweet Uncle Lou