Looks like it’s going to be a late-edition Roundup today. That’ll give you something to read while you’re watching the crazy fucking Venezuelan take on Prince Valium when we really need a great start out of him.

• This is why White Sox fans are terrible baseball fans and even worse humans. “Because for my beloved group of Cubs-hating White Sox fans, the only thing sweeter than a White Sox win is watching the Cubs choke.” They just won the damn thing two years ago, and they’d still prefer to see us lose than them win. Sorry to break it to you, Sox fans, but no matter what you do, you’ll ALWAYS be Cousin Oliver.
• The Craig Biggio Farewell Tour continues as the Astros plan on letting him catch a couple innings this weekend. That leaves only two events until he retires: Bean Biggio Day, during which fans are invited onto the field to throw baseballs at his pine-tar covered helmet, and Chip Carey Fellatio Day, which I don’t think I need to explain.
• Can we please get a five-way tie in the NL, and have every game in the pennant-deciding mini-playoffs go 18 innings apiece? That’d be swell.
• Trachsel is so versatile. Not only is he a shitty pitcher, but he’s also a total fucking headcase. Thanks for inviting him into the clubhouse, Jim. He’s ruining my team.
• Miles just likes it when we link his articles, so he (justifiably) kisses my ass in this one. Here are some nuggets from Miles:
  

  That said, Hendry gets a grade of “A” for hiring Piniella to take over from the departed, but not lamented, Dusty Baker.

  Gone are the days when players got a seasonlong “hall pass” for poor or indifferent play.

  The previous manager and his staff liked to complain about Matt Murton’s alleged shortcomings in left field. Did they bother to work with Murton? Not nearly enough.

  Can you imagine Baker acknowledging that Ryan Theriot is a better shortstop than Izturis and then giving Theriot the job over Izturis? Me neither. In fact, Baker spent much of last September burying Theriot for every mistake the kid made (and really, there weren’t many) while looking the other way when his veterans played out the string.

  The big difference is that Baker talked the talk when it came to “liking” young players. Piniella has walked the walked.

  Man, did anyone like Dusty?

• God help me, the guys at Cardinals Diaspora have made me like at least one Cardinals fan. First, they say they’re rooting for us over the Brewers. Now, they talk about how much they despise the Mets. I guess common hatred and shared experiences can make strange bedfellows. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to walk away in my trenchcoat and throw my batting-gloved fist up in the air as “Don’t You Forget About Me” plays in the background.
• Bill Murray showed up in Florida to give us batting tips. He also taught me how to successfully drink and drive a golf cart. I forwarded the e-mail to LaRussa.
• Ever wonder what an article about how to not be a fair-weather fan would look like if it were clearly written by a fair-weather fan? Wonder no more.
• What are you talking about, Dempster? This is EXACTLY like 2004. The season comes down to the last week, we have some firepower in the lineup, we have a shitty closer. It’s identical. Let’s hope it ends differently.
• After last night, I think my playoff roster should consist of only guys named Kerry Wood. The. Balls.
• Juan Pierre Update: Juan is currently: SUCKING
• This kid’s slider has nothing on Marmol’s.

Shit, now I’m running late. I have to try to figure out which of our center fielders sucks the least so I can write out my lineup card. Enjoy the last regular-season series of the year, kids. Hopefully, next Friday’s Roundup will be a playoff edition.

-Sweet Uncle Lou