I think Jake requested my pirate picture in honor of Wednesday’s “Talk Like a Pirate Day.” In honor of that and in honor of Pittsburgh coming to town, here it is again. Feast your eyes on it, but don’t you dare stare too long at Anita’s cans.

You know, as fun as it is being 1.5 games up on the Brewers after Atlanta took care of business last night, can anyone remember a more exciting finish to the baseball season? Four of the six divisions look like they’re going to go down to the wire, and I know Santo is rooting for at least one first-place team to end up at home in October, which is where they might find themselves. Personally, I’m rooting harder for the Red Sox to blow their lead. It was bad enough listening to those losers when I was in New York. It’s worse listening to them after 2004 happened, and I’d like to see a bunch of assholes in red crying in their beers next weekend. It’s going to be a fun week.

• It took Griffey nearly the entire season to have his annual season-ending injury, but he finally did it. If there’s a cooler, more likable guy in baseball than Griffey, I’d like to meet him. Here’s how Griffey described the groin injury: “The best way I can describe it is it felt like somebody bungee jumped off my right nut.” I wouldn’t know what that feels like. It’s tough to bungee jump off my nuts when they’re hanging an inch off the ground.
• Griffey’s buddy, the lumbering behemoth who has a standing off of a lifetime of free blowjobs from the tweeners at NSBB blames Wrigley for Griffey’s injury. Yes, Adam. Because each time Griffey has been injured in the past 8 years, it’s happened at Wrigley. Perhaps if Griffey didn’t feel the need to range all the way over to left field to overcompensate for your ineptitude over there, he wouldn’t have had to tear his penis in half trying to field a base hit.
• I assume we’ll be looking for an outfielder in the offseason. I’ll be sure to keep Jim the hell away from certain guys.
• It’s not too late to jump on Kermit’s Ryan Dempster hatred bandwagon. It’s cathartic and sometimes hilarious.
• In case you were wondering, “Lou, do you ever do anything wrong?” the answer is no. And it looks like people are starting to realize that.
• Bruce Miles grades Hendry’s offseason moves. Even if you hate Hendry as much as I do, you have to admit that he hit more homers this season than Jacque Jones has. My only beef with Miles is that Kermit’s boyfriend’s signing is an A+, not a B. Look at his numbers and try to convince me otherwise.
• The Commish reminds us that Cubs fans and media members are, as a whole, stupid. In hindsight, criticizing Ramirez for not being clutch last year is like criticizing Hendry for hiring me, which some assholes are prone to do.
• “Actober” is the stupidest thing ever.
• Adam Godson suggests that Marmol is the most VALUABLE player on the team. He is. Whenever our games are over, we just head into the clubhouse, point Marmol’s ears skyward, and catch the rest of the games around the league.

Well, gang, only nine regular season games left. If we win out, we’re in. Let’s get nasty.

-Sweet Uncle Lou