This is Me Hating You
You know, there was a reason John Cusack’s characters in the 80′s never got laid. It wasn’t because of the pathetic, puppy dog expression he carried around. It wasn’t because he talked to girls about as successfully as the Cubs put away teams. And it wasn’t because potential hookups were frightened away by his bug-eyed freak of a sister. It was because the guy is a fucking jinx.
Throughout the spring and summer, I have seen Bill Murray, Gary Sinese, Joe Mantegna, and Jeff Garlin, all great and loyal Cubs fans, cheer on their favorite team in the Friendly Confines. Hell, even Blagojevich and Belushi have shown their faces in Wrigley Field and talked about their loyalty to the Cubs.
I hadn’t seen you, Cusack, one goddamn time until last night, when you were standing, laughing, clapping, and making a fucking spectacle of yourself while the Cubs were pissing away sole possession of first place.
Did you ever see the brilliant miniseries Band of Brothers, Cusack? You weren’t cast in it, since Spielberg filled his affirmative action douchebag quota when he cast Jimmy Fallon. There’s one character named Pvt. David Kenyon Webster who is injured early on in the war. Instead of returning to duty and joining his fellow soldiers as soon as he can, Webster takes his sweet time rehabbing. He misses most of the true horrors of the war. He doesn’t suffer through the frozen winter at Bastogne. He doesn’t watch his fellow soldiers screaming in pain, bleeding and dying before his very eyes. When Webster finally returns to Easy Company, the men resent and loathe him. Webster didn’t suffer the horrors they suffered, and he returned a pariah, an outcast.
And that’s how I feel about you, Cusack. Where were you at the end of 2004? Where were you throughout all of 2005 and 2006? Where were you at the beginning of this year when the Cubs were letting the Brewers run away with the division?
How convenient that the first Cubs game at which you appear doesn’t come until the team is leading the NL Central by a game. Don’t tell me you’re busy. I can assure you that the world does not need a sequel to Must Love Dogs and Pushing Tin. We’ll be fine if America’s Sweethearts 2: Even Sweeter never gets made.
But don’t you DARE show up now, Cusack. Whenever you show up, bad shit happens to the Cubs. You were there in 2003, sitting in the seats that the fans who had watched the team since Opening Day would have given ANYTHING to have. You feigned excitement, and you feigned heartbreak, but we’ve been seeing through your so-called “acting” since The Journey of Natty Gann.
Then, of all goddamn places to pop up next, you show up at U.S. Cellular Field during the 2005 World Series wearing a goddamn White Sox hat. Fucking sellout. I didn’t watch a single goddamn minute of that World Series, but I’m pretty sure it ended badly for Cubs fans.
After you were taken to task for attending a White Sox game after holding yourself out as a Cubs fan, you called yourself a “fan of Chicago.” I have news for you, Cusack. If there’s one thing on which White Sox fans and Cubs fans can agree, it’s that there’s no such thing as a “fan of Chicago.” That’s like being a fan of Grant and Lee. To put it in terms that your pea brain will understand, that’s like being a fan of Cyrus “The Virus” Grissom and Cameron Poe. That’s like saying you’re Paul Spericki to Martin Blank, yet you join Grocer’s assassins’ union. You can’t have it both ways, especially when every time you show up, bad things seem to happen to the Cubs and Cubs fans.
And last night, there you were, Cusack. Clapping at inappropriate times, sitting with some chick who was way too hot for your pathetic ass, and putting the stink eye on Carlos Zambrano when the Cubs needed a good start out of him. The stench of failure that surrounds you infects the park and the team.
You’re a fucking jinx, Cusack. Stay the hell away from my team.
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
Hey, you’re being awfully hard on Webster there, man.
You know why else he can screw off? Because he convinced an entire generation that relentlessly stalking a chick and playing Peter Gabriel outside her window at 3am will eventually pay off. That NEVER works in real life. Also of note, he played the exact same guy in High Fidelity as in Say Anything, right down to the move where a chick breaks up with him and he calls her from a telephone booth in the rain.
Maybe he flipped out, joined the army, and became a professional killer.
FUCK YOU JOHN CUSACK! Thanks for making me drive 75 miles to Wrigley Field Tuesday night to see my team lose. GO TO HELL!
Damn if I knew he was there, I woulda done something about it. Sorry, guys. My bad.
Good for him, DomerMQ. It’s a growth industry.
BK,
I can read and feel your anger.
sitting with some chich ??
PS. I really love the Stink Eye part
Level5, that was almost a haiku–
Sadly, I knew who the chick was. She played the “hot, bitchy chick” in She’s All That.
You’re correct, She’s All That. I’m sad. Sad and pathetic.
But yeah, I hate Cusack. There’s a great part in Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs about Cusack and how he’s a douche and people don’t really like him, they like the characters he plays. We actually built his new condo downtown last year. From what people said, he’s a complete douchebag and an asshole.
I don’t speell goood. Fixed.
Standing outside of Wrigley Field, in the rain: “BK!!! You f$cking a$$hole! Let’s work it out!!!”
Dear Audio Diary: I’m now driving past the mall– site of my controversial first date with Bad Kermit. I should have known it was doomed even then. And here on the right is— the spot where he dumped me! Well, that’s it for me, I give up. From now on I’m emotionless. Stoic. The new Lloyd Dobbler is a Man of Steel.
Well, if this is going to be the John Cusack quotes thread, I’ll go with:
“Will there be meetings?”
“Of course!”
“No meetings.”
Below is my “Top 5 List of Phoniest Cub ‘Fans’”.
5. John Cusack
4. John Cusack
3. John Cusack
2. John Cusack
1. John Cusack
Band of Brothers was teh balls.
So was Grosse Pointe Blank.
I am making unconnected points.
Cusack is a complete bag, as is Piven, Vedder, and most of the other “celebrity” Cub fans. Fuck ‘em. This bandwagon is already sold out.
John Cusack is to Cub fans as Jim Belushi is to Bears fans.
Eddie rules. The rest can go to hell.
I’m a fan of Chicago AND New York teams!
not to discount your pissed off point, as you do amuse me. but i was watching a game earlier in the summer and cusack was there. len and bob pointed him out, and he was focused on the game. i wasn’t really paying much attention to him last night, but i imagine he wants the cubs to win. because he can’t be completely an asshat.
i’ll give you the whole fan of chicago thing. that’s just not fucking possible, pick a side. but i do like him and belushi, so in essence: the brewers can bleed and die.
Belushi uses all Chicago Sports teams to promote his show. Bill Murray is a true die-hard.
but having read his book and watched his show (which almost disqualifies me from being allowed to make a point) i get the sense Belushi really does like the chicago teams. i fully grant you murray is a stronger fan, but the world needs Belushis too.
look at it this way. if we didnt have belushi or cusack to appear as “normal” celebrity fans, the world would see us as assholes akin to boston fans. cause if you can think of any boston fan of anything that’s not a gaping asshole, props to you. i sometimes think that SNL bit with jimmy fallon as the boston dumbass was put on the air just to prepare us all for the knowledge that hey, jimmy fallon sucks balls. and so does nomar. theriot could kick the shit out of nomar and kyle farnsworth would help. man, that would be the best brawl ever.
why is nomar below phil nevin, farnsworth, and jacque? jacque has provided some clutch hits this year, nevin’s average actually went up when he had him, and kyle farnsworth is kyle farnsworth. they gotta be better cubs than nomar.
John, the world needed exactly ONE Belushi. The world received one too many. I hope the world kept the receipt. And games at which Cusack has appeared only count if I am watching. And I notice him. And I have at least three other people acknowledge him.
Yeah Vedder is a real Cubs fan.
He may be a douche in real life, but I still like some of the movies he’s been in. High Fidelity was great. I believe it was originally a book, written by the dude that wrote Fever Pitch (the book was about soccer originally, not some douchewad Sox fan played by Jimmy Fallon).
Jake, you are 100% correct. On all that you say.
Cusack has been in two great movies: High Fidelity and Grosse Pointe Blank (by FAR his best, in my opinion). His 80s movies were meh. I didn’t see Better off Dead until college, and thought it was idiotic. Maybe I would have enjoyed it when I was in grade school, but I think I missed that boat.
He should be shot in the fucking face for Must Love Dogs.
Not to be off topic but has any one seem Will Ferrell’s Harry Caray skits? He had one with Jeff Goldblum as Carl Sagan. and the other was Harry Caray at a family Barbeque. I found them rather funny, and dead on.
Bernie Mac can go fuck himself sideways too with the Chicago Fan thing. Maybe Belushi is a Cubs fan….but he’s a jagoff and only displays his love of the Cubs and Bears when he has to promote his shitty sitcom.
Cusack was probably at that one game earlier this summer because he was singing the 7th inning stretch. They should let real fans, like that Vance guy who drives 40,000 miles a year to see the Cubs play, sing it.
They should just have Ron Santo sing it every night. No more celebrities.
Nick Hornby wrote “High Fidelity”. Also wrote “About A Boy” and “How to be Good”. I did not know he wrote “Fever Pitch”.
I saw “Better Off Dead” when I was about 13 and thought it was steak sauce. I would imagine that, had I waited until college to see it, that I probably would have found it stupid also.
And John Cusack’s still a douche.
that dude looks like a lurker. seen him outside your bedroom window.