I don’t even want to talk about it. Here’s your Roundup:

• Since he’s been doing so well, I might start Soto a lot next year. That’s assuming I’m not doing time for murdering half the dipshits on this team.
• The guy who was on the shafting end of the last really good trade Hendry made got his ass fired. Now, the only trades Hendry is going to come out on the good end of are for Pokemon cards.
• The Muskrat thinks all you fans are dumb. She points out that the bleacher fans were calling the new kid “Fulo” and then says, “Actually, Fuld — which is pretty easy to pronounce — was more nervous when he had to handle the ceremonial first pitch.” You know what’s also easy to pronounce? “Hack.”
• Rothschild seems to think that Zambrano is just trying too hard, and that’s why he blows. That’s why this guy gets the big money, folks. I noticed a crumpled-up piece of paper next to Rothschild’s locker the other day, and looked at it. It said:
  

  EXCUSES FOR WHY ZAMBRANO SUCKS
  1. Too much instant messaging -USED
  2. His frosted tips -GOT RID OF THEM
  3. Venezuelans are unreliable -TOO RACIST?
  4. He’s trying too hard -PERFECTO, BIG L!
  5. Blame Dusty -TOO CLICHE

• Do umps have nothing better to do than to try to check out the Piniella package I sometimes like to wrap in fleece? Next homestand, I’m showing up to at least one game butt-ass naked. We’ll call that “Ladies’ Night at Wrigley.”
• Which one was it? JJ Hardy or Chris Capuano?

I’m off to get ready for another day of this month-long death knell. Have a good short weekend, buttholes.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

*Picture credit goes to Migames. Nice find, guys.