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The Cubs have called up outfielder Felix Pie, presumably to not airmail the cutoff man not swing at the first pitch thrown by a struggling pitcher with bases loaded not make everyone in Chicago hate him play center field for the Cubs, with Jacques Jones sliding over to right field. As always, HJE will inform you of the corresponding move as ... Read More

Congratulations to Barry Bonds for getting one step closer to breaking the all-time home run record. Do you think you can hit 44 more before the world runs out of enough plastic to create a helmet for your colossal head? Because Josh Gibson, my new Home Run King, awaits your charge. Oh, and just so you don't cry about ... Read More

Will Ohman's face was not held in two inches of water until he stopped kicking, as many of you would like to see happen. He was, however, optioned to AAA Iowa on Tuesday, where there are plenty of two-inch puddles of water eagerly awaiting his arrival. Right-hander Sean Gallagher was called up from AAA to take Ohman's spot ... Read More

It would have been nice if Rafael Furcal could have come out to HJE corporate headquarters to accept his award. Unfortunately for Furcal, he was chugging cough medicine all day and wasn't able to pass the Breathalyzer test required to start his car. If he were here, though, I'm sure he'd be honored to be named the #74 ... Read More

Congratulations to Russ, our winner of the HJE T-Shirt Design Contest! To the right is Russ's winning design, which is available at the HJE shop. The design really looks great. Also available in the shop are the designs submitted by the other contest entrants. They are all outstanding, and I appreciate the effort everyone put into ... Read More

After Alfonso Soriano played a game of hopscotch between second and third base during Sunday night's loss to the Mets, the Cubs put him on the disabled list and called up second baseman-converted-to-outfielder, Eric Patterson. Patterson is the younger brother of former Cub Corey Patterson. ... Read More

Before I get started with the Roundup, I'm going to go ahead and list the pitchers on the roster whom I don't want to kick in the neck this morning. Yet. Carlos Zambrano. Ted Lilly. Rich Hill. Jason Marquis. Bob Howry. Scott Eyre. Michael Wuertz. Carlos Marmol. Ryan Dempster. ... Read More

So, I'm in the bathroom taking my Thursday morning 12-incher, fogging up the mirror, getting yelled at by Anita to "turn on the goddamn fan!" and I'm listening to the radio when some boob calls in and says that he's scared of the Cardinals "getting hot." What the fuck is wrong with you people? In case you weren't paying attention last night, ... Read More

I ran my record to 2-0 in Cubs games I've attended in 2007 as the Cubs took first place by percentage points on Wednesday night (thanks, Chuck!). That means the Cubs have reached first place before they were mathematically eliminated. Wow. Because he has outstanding timing, loyal reader Flem is coming to Chicago this weekend, so what better time ... Read More

Say what you will about Steve Garvey. Can't think of anything? I'll get you started: Get bent, Steve Garvey. Get bent past ninety degrees. Get bent until your nose is being tickled by your own butt hair. And when you don't think you can bend anymore, breath deeply, Steve Garvey, and smell your own foulness. ... Read More