Well, tickle my pickle, Hendry finally got a deal done with Zambrano. Five years for more than $90M. In case you’re wondering, looking at what those burn-outs Schmidt and Zito are making, that’s a damn good deal. Let’s face it. Zambrano has no-hit stuff, he’d hit forty home runs if he played every day, he has the capability of shutting down an opposing offense, and he punched Michael Barrett in the face. Repeatedly. I’m glad the crazy son of a bitch is sticking around.

• Not to rain on the Carlos parade, but it’s never good if Rothschild thinks that someone is healthy, right? Please just say he has a tear somewhere, Larry. The opposite of what you say is always the truth.
• Kermit has to be happy that a dude named “Piggy” is on the team now, right? Especially since his Major League debut went off without a hitch.
• Bruce Miles is a good shit, but he didn’t quite get his article right when he said that I’m “wary” of the Cardinals. I actually said I’m “weary” of the Cardinals. That’s right. I’m sick and tired of their bullshit manager, bullshit roster, bullshit fans, and bullshit inbreeding. I want that team limping out of Chicago on Monday.
• Is the Commish drunk? Because I don’t know if he realizes that baseball is not hockey, and I don’t get why he’s so excited about DeRosa prancing around in his underwear.
• Just in time for the Cardinals series, the men at Thunder Matt’s Saloon give two solutions to our current struggles and one reason for me to flog the men at Thunder Matt’s Saloon with a cat o’ nine tails.
• I cannot for the life of me figure out all you Cubs fans out on the ledges after a little bump in the road. We’re a half game back, and we’re not going down quietly. If we’re going down, we’re definitely going down with duck noises and the sound of grab-assery. Great.
• Fatass Prince Fielder was suspended three games for arguing with Wally Bell, and the tub is appealing it like it’s the wrapper of a Chunky bar. When asked if he bumped Bell, the whale said, “We’re both 250 pounds, so if our stomachs touched, that’s going to happen.” 250 pounds where? On the moon? If that guy is 250 pounds, I must weight 18 pounds. That guy’s right leg weighs 250 pounds. The future is sure bright for Milwaukee. At least until Fielder has a grabber walking up the dugout steps.
• Hendry actually managed to get a player other than Big Z signed this week, as he locked up top draft pick, 3B Josh Vitters. I suspect Hendry thought he was getting vittles, and he ended up with the third-round draft pick. It would work out nicely if the kid could take over for Ramirez when his body finally decides to shatter into a million tiny pieces.
• How awesome has DeRosa been for this team? He’s played wherever I’ve asked him to, he’s hit wherever I’ve batted him, and he’s been a hell of a good glove no matter where he’s played. I don’t care what the guy does in his camouflages underwear, if he goes 5-5 every night.
• Angel Pagan is still recovering from assholitis. I’m a bit pissed at the Muskrat for writing that story. I was about one day away from forgetting that Angel Pagan was ever on this team.
• Cardinals fans seem to think they’re right back in this thing. They apparently also think that the blog title “Viva El Birdos” makes any sense at all. What, was “StLouisMcCardinalstein.com” taken? Goddamn hacks.
• Speaking of goddamn hacks, check out the about-face I made Paul Sullivan do. He said that I was “crying” about the wind not blowing out when Fontenot hit a warning-track shot which almost won the game for us on Tuesday. Fortunately for Sullivan I, like pretty much everyone else in Chicago, don’t read his stupid column. Whaddya mean, “You read this one.” Get bent, smart guy.
• After Josh Hamilton murdered us in Wrigley this week, some people are probably pissed that the Cubs claimed him pretty much as a favor to the Reds, swapping him immediately to the Reds. Screw that. That kid was crazier than a rat in a tin shithouse. Let other teams deal with the Carl Everetts, the Gary Sheffields, and the Milton Bradleys. I’m no babysitter.
• You guys think I can catch Bobby Cox’s ejection record? I promise you I have a better chance catching it with this ballclub than with any other one.
• HJE poster Mike D does a damn fine job breaking my team down on Goatriders. Kermit’s been screaming at me to move Soriano out of the leadoff spot for weeks. We’ll see what happens when Soriano gets back, since Theriot has done one heck of a job up there.
• I think we do a pretty thorough job making fun of Joe Morgan. But we really don’t hit Jon Miller as hard as we should. Fortunately, someone out there does.
• I think for Craig Biggio Tribute Weekend, each fan who enters the ballpark should get a baseball thrown at them at 95 miles per hour and have pine tar rubbed in their hair. Goddamn munchkin.
• Apparently, I’m not the only one pissed that Dane Cook is suddenly the face of the MLB postseason. Wait, is anyone not pissed about that?
• I think we missed this when it happened, but Carlos’ favorite punching bag was put on the DL earlier this week with “concussion-like symptoms.” I guess Carlos hit him harder than he thought.
• We also missed the passing of Cliff Floyd’s father. Cliff is a class act and a cool guy. Our condolences to the Floyd family.

Well, kids, I have to get lunch ready before the game. I’m using real Cardinals.

-Sweet Uncle Lou