If there was something worse this past week than watching the Cubs fumble around in Houston, hearing they claimed Scotty Fabulous, and then watching Rich Hill serve up a grand slam to Jamey Carroll (Jamey Carroll!) it may have been listening to the excessive coverage of the “feel-good” story of the year. In case you haven’t heard, Rick Ankiel is back. When last you saw him, he was winging fastballs at vendors, ushers, fans, ballboys, and pretty much everyone in the 2000 NLDS who wasn’t wearing a chest protector and a mask. Since I’m pissed at the way the Cubs are playing, and you’re probably pissed at the way the Cubs are playing, why not redirect that anger at a Cardinal? Let’s all hate Rick Ankiel.
Ankiel was called up last week, and is off to a torrid start, hitting .375 with a .412 OBP and a 1.000 SLG in his first four games. In that time, he also has 3 home runs and 6 RBIs. Impressive. So impressive, in fact, that the national media can’t get their lips around Ankiel’s knob fast enough to call this the greatest “comeback” since someone won 300 games. As Desipio’s Andy Dolan so eloquently put it, though, this is not a “comeback.”
Comeback from what? From not being able to throw a strike? From not giving up his baseball career to go home to…nowhere to use his life skills in nothing? What other choice did Ankiel have? His dad’s a drug addict who is in jail for 20 years. His brother is a drug addict who has been arrested more than 20 times.
Ankiel’s 2000 meltdown was not “tragic.” It was “hilarious.” That’s why, as the national media rushes to play up the heroic “Rick Ankiel Story” and as the self-proclaimed “Best Fans in Baseball” leap off their NASCAR seat cushions to give this guy ovation after ovations as he grounds into 4-6-3 double plays, I’m going the opposite way.
Screw Rick Ankiel. May he whiff more than Adam Dunn, may he run slower than Paul Konerko, may his children be fatter than Mark McGwire’s, and may Kerry Wood beat the holy hell out of his boombox.
Who’s coming with me?
