Whipping boy Will Ohman was sent down to the minor leagues earlier this week, and he had a lot to say on his way out the door. HJE was lucky enough to get our hands on a recording of the conversation between Cubs manager Lou Piniella, general manager Jim Hendry, and Ohman when Ohman was released. Their conversation is transcribed below.

INT.–JIM HENDRY’S OFFICE–DAY

JIM HENDRY is leaning back in his desk chair, holding a can of Pringles over his mouth and banging on the bottom of it. LOU PINIELLA sits across from him, looking on disgustedly. Lou has a lit cigar tucked behind his ear.

JIM: Now, remember, Lou. We’re sending this guy down, but we want to handle this delicately.

LOU: Got it.

JIM: The guy is fragile. He has a delicate psyche.

LOU: Check.

JIM: So, you’re probably going to want to let me do most of the talking.

LOU: You bet.

There is a knock at the door.

LOU: Come on in, you fucking fat fuck!

Jim smacks his forehead as the door opens and WILL OHMAN, an overweight pitcher, enters.

WILL: You wanted to see me, Mr. Hendry?

LOU: We have no choice BUT to see you, you gigantic slob! You’re so huge, you could clog one of Trammell’s pores!

Jim gives Lou a stern glance.

JIM: Yeah, sorry about that, Will. Come on in. Have a seat.

Will closes the door behind him, crosses the room, and takes a seat on a chair next to Lou and across from Jim. Lou turns to the chair.

LOU: Head toward the light, Mr. Chair! Toward the light!

JIM: Will, we uh- we wanted to talk to you about something.

LOU: You’re out, Tubby.

WILL: What?

JIM: Ah, listen, Will. Lou and I have been talking about your pitching.

LOU: We think it stinks worse than Rothschild’s shit would stink if Rothschild went on an “Old Style and garlic-covered shit” diet.

WILL: Yeah, about that. My shoulder’s been sort of barking.

LOU: WOOF WOOF WOOF!

Will jumps away as Lou makes a biting motion toward his face. Lou laughs hysterically and punches Will twice in the shoulder.

LOU: Two for flinching! How’s your shoulder feel now, Flabby?

Will rubs his shoulder.

JIM: Tell you what, Will, why don’t we have the doctor take a look at your shoulder?

WILL: No, you don’t have to go to all that troub-

LOU: He’s just saying that because the only thing hurt around here is Mr. IHOP’s pride! You’d think a guy too proud to go to AAA would do a fucking sit-up or two.

Lou looks at Jim’s ample gut.

LOU: Of course, I don’t know why I’m explaining this to YOU.

WILL: I really am hurt. It’s just been kind of lingering, and it’s been very frustrating.

LOU: Yeah, that one is lingering a bit. Sorry about that. Anyone got a match?

WILL: Couldn’t you guys send Marmol out instead?

Lou and Jim look at one another for a moment and then bray with laughter.

JIM: No.

WILL: But I’ve been on this club for a long time.

LOU: Look, I’ve had dingleberries that have hung off my ass for WEEKS, but that doesn’t mean I want them put them in there to face Pujols down the stretch.

JIM: What Lou is trying to say, Will, is that-

LOU: You catch that one? I don’t want my dingleberry to face Pujols? All dingleberries do is face poo holes! Bwaa ha ha!

JIM: What Lou is trying to say, Will, is that you’ve been the weakest link in the bullpen lately, and we need to get a long man up here.

LOU: I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. Will Ohman is a dingleberry. Print it on toilet paper.

JIM: Will, we’re just trying to make the decision that’s best for the club.

LOU: Yeah, and we took a poll of the team and they all thought it would be best for the club if we mounted your head on the right field foul pole and then sent your left arm to Milwaukee, your right arm to St. Louis, your left leg to Houston, your right leg to Cincinnati, and the rest of your carcass to Pittsburgh so that everyone in the NL Central knows that we will not be denied the playoffs.

WILL: Oh, come on. They didn’t say that.

JIM: Actually, Will, they did. But we talked to our lawyers and they said-

LOU: They said we couldn’t do it. A lawyer saved your life! Bwaa ha ha! Now you have a life debt to a fucking lawyer!

JIM: So, listen, Will, we were hoping you could pack up and leave quietly.

Will stands up angrily and walks out of the office.

INT.–CUBS CLUBHOUSE–MOMENTS LATER

Will walks into the clubhouse, having just left the meeting with Jim and Lou. As he walks into the room, Jim and Lou hang out by the door. Jim is eating more Pringles.

WILL: Well, don’t worry! I’m not going to do what you think I’m going to do, which is FLIP OUT! But let me just say, as I ease out of the bullpen I helped build–sorry, but it’s a FACT–that there is such a thing as manners. A way of treating people.

Will notices a Filet O’ Fish in SCOTT EYRE’S locker and points to it.

WILL: This Filet O’ Fish has manners! It has manners. In fact, it’s coming with me! I’m going to a new bullpen, and the Filet O’ Fish will come with me and you can call me sentimental.

Will grabs the Filet O’ Fish.

WILL: (to the Filet O’ Fish) It’s okay. It’s okay.

Will takes a big bite of the Filet O’ Fish.

WILL: But if anybody else wants to come with me, this moment will be the ground floor of something real and fun and inspiring and true in this godforsaken business and we will do it together! Who’s coming with me besides… “Flipper” here? Anybody going with me? Bobby? Shall we?

BOB HOWRY looks at Will.

BOB: I’m two months away from the free agency, Will. I have to, uh… you know, stay.

WILL: Okay, anybody else?

RONNY CEDENO stands up.

RONNY: I will go with you.

WILL: Ronny Cedeno! Thank you!

Ronny grabs his belongings, a Pac-Man t-shirt and a Game Boy, out of his locker.

WILL: We will see you all again. Sleep tight!

Will and Ronny walk out of the clubhouse and into the tunnel. As they do, Will smugly turns to Ronny.

WILL: Let’s see how they do without us.