Before I get started with the Roundup, I’m going to go ahead and list the pitchers on the roster whom I don’t want to kick in the neck this morning. Yet. Carlos Zambrano. Ted Lilly. Rich Hill. Jason Marquis. Bob Howry. Scott Eyre. Michael Wuertz. Carlos Marmol. Ryan Dempster. Kerry Wood.

That is all.

• So, two of our lefties took it on the chin yesterday, but that’s all right. Milwaukee and the dreaded Cardinals both lost, too, so we’re still in first by a margin half the size of one of Trammell’s pores. But we need some more damn innings out of our starters.
• It looks like things are coming unglued in Milwaukee. They sent down one of their “stud” prospects. They’re beating each other off up. They’re not smart enough to realize that families weaken knees. Anita knew during my career that if I went into an 0-20 slump, she was going to be upgraded for a younger model with bigger jugs, and she was cool with that. That team ain’t winning when they’re all up to their eyes in poopie diapers. Even their fans are starting to see the writing on the wall.
• If you’re thinking we absolutely need another starter, don’t worry. Marshall is getting better. Forget that turd he left on the mound yesterday. Seriously, though, Marshall has been pretty damn good this year, with only 3 exceptions. It’s Hill and Marquis who need to sack up before I have to start throwing Zambrano every three days.
• Jeff Samardzija got promoted to AA the other day, and our farm director Oneiri Fleita said the promotion wasn’t just about the numbers. That’s good, because his numbers suck ass. Still, if I can’t get some innings out of some of these starters, I’m going to tear through our minor league arms like Hendry tears through the line at the Old Country Buffet. Look, if we need to have 24 pitchers and Derrek Lee up here to win games, with Quade as my witness, that’s what we’re going to do.
• Another positive is that a couple of our guys have sucked slightly less in the past couple of weeks than they have this entire season. Look, Jock sometimes looks as lost in the outfield as I do baking a birthday cake, but he looks slightly less terrible in center than right, and he has had at least a couple of hits which have helped us. Of course, most of the hits don’t make up for his glaring 4-6-3 double play balls, but that’s neither here nor there.
• As for the offense, it would sure be nice to add another bat that’s capable of hitting the long ball, but there are other solutions. I could move up Zambrano in the batting order, which would make a hell of a lot of sense, especially since I don’t give a shit if I “show up” a player. Or maybe there are a couple of bats available for trade. Don’t do it, Jim. Do do this, though. Hee hee. I said “doo doo.”
• The dipshit who ran onto the field to mock Howry a while back is getting little sympathy from Howry, and I’m glad. That dude is lucky he didn’t get his ass kicked by Bob and get a felony charge slapped on him. Don’t worry, though, cowboy. I’m sure we’ll see you around Wrigley Field in 12 years with a “SOMETHING IS HAPPENING” sign.
• Finally, how much do you have in your wallet? Never mind. I’ll just look for myself. The reason I ask is because Eric Majeski is trying to get Cubs fans together to buy the team. Not a bad idea, even if the guy used to be a Red Sox fan. You can start sending your blank checks to Kermit over the weekend.

Well, I have a busy weekend ahead of me, so I’m going to take off. Welcome back, Kerry Wood. We missed you. Let’s put some distance between us and the Cheeseheads, huh?

-Sweet Uncle Lou